Five Minute Story with appearances by CAPS LOCK and the LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE (818 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.87 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2008-04-04 16:35:04 EDT
When I was about fifteen years of age, I started to attempt to write stand-up comedy. However, there were two obstacles that I could not overcome in order to write stand-up well. They are the same two general talents one must have in order to write stand-up in the first place:
1. You must relate to your audience
2. You must be funny
I'm not going to get into how the fifteen year old version of the Ubersite prick you have come to ignore did not have said talents, because it's really kind of obvious, is it not? Instead, I will tell about the only stand-up "routine" I remember writing. It's not good, it's not funny, but it is below this text (TRUTH).
For some reason I thought it would be funny if I dealt with the issue of world hunger, and what's even funnier than world hunger to an asshole fifteen year old like past me? That's right, fat people.
The basic idea had a kind of, "kill two birds with one stone" philosophy to it. We would solve the problems of obesity in America, and hunger in...not America, by hording up all the fatties in what we would call, "Fatty Camp", slaughter them like the useless cows they resemble, and use their obesity meat to feed the rest of the world.
Hilarious, right?
Well, my five minutes are up, so here's a picture of THE LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-25 10:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-09 19:57:09 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-09 12:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Real men take the time to scroll all the way down, and select "Don't Bother (-2)", pussy (see?).
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Snivelling pussies feel the need to leave a -2 out of bitterness, jealousy or rage. I think you're just a little bit upset that you want to like to my posts. At least I'm still rating you honestly.
You're still one ugly motherfucker.
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Uh...
Um...
Er...
Rob, stfu.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-24 11:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jealous, rage filled, bitter, sniveling pussy below.
Are you real? Crazy.
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Jealous of what, exactly? I don't do this out of rage, haiku, I do it for fun. Bitter? Not really, just cynical and callous. It makes it so easy and entertaining to irritate little girls like you.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-24 12:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you look very healthy and well groomed, kudos!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-24 11:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jealous, rage filled, bitter, sniveling pussy below.
Are you real? Crazy.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-23 23:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bah, grow a chin and post something good you stupid fuck.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, I thought we were supposed to -2 people that sucked immense amounts of balls, i.e., you.
You're really awful at this whole logic deal, son.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-09 22:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-09 12:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Real men take the time to scroll all the way down, and select "Don't Bother (-2)", pussy (see?).
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Snivelling pussies feel the need to leave a -2 out of bitterness, jealousy or rage. I think you're just a little bit upset that you want to like to my posts. At least I'm still rating you honestly.
You're still one ugly motherfucker.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-09 12:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a word with you.
This morning, well 7 or 8 hours ago, you made this comment
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116015#uber_reviews
I assure you, those posts are no sico's work, he has left.
I have read each post in that series and I think they are brilliant. I am sure you would too, if you took the time to read them.
I can't believe that they have the hits/reviews/ratings that they do. Compared to some posts, they are awesome.
This person I don't think is an alter, even if it is they have made a damn good job and your drunken -2 was misplaced.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-09 12:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Real men take the time to scroll all the way down, and select "Don't Bother (-2)", pussy (see?).
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-09 11:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
To quote Arnie in Predator: "You're one ugly motherfucker."
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-08 16:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you are very welcome.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why read all the individual reviews and insults when scourge sums them up into one, easy to read review?
Thanks scourge!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-08 11:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well on the 'you and not being funny' thing, you were spot on.
also, clean up your nape and your neck, you fucking peasant. you look like a homeless person. a hydrocephalic homeless person at that.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-08 11:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:22:31 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
I just woke up...
Who the fuck is this...?
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<3 +2 forever.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-08 11:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GYPO
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-08 10:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, let them live. I look so much better by comparison, then.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-08 10:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-07 09:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-04 21:09:50 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope the other side isn't as ugly and with as sparse beard-hair. I mean, come on - you look like you're in your 20s and you can't even grow a thicker half-beard?
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Not every naturally-born male can grow a Chia beard in their early twenties. Some don't until they near 30 years of age, and there are a few cohorts in my office that are pushing forty and will NEVER be able to grow a mustache or beard. And they're not even Chinese or Japanese.
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That shows a lack of testosterone, which means a lack of manliness. Kill them.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-07 09:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The problem is that fatties don't develop (proportionally, at least) enough muscle to be a decent source of food. Of course we could just surgically implant their fat into the starving but that's a fairly redundant ambition.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-07 09:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-04 21:09:50 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope the other side isn't as ugly and with as sparse beard-hair. I mean, come on - you look like you're in your 20s and you can't even grow a thicker half-beard?
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Not every naturally-born male can grow a Chia beard in their early twenties. Some don't until they near 30 years of age, and there are a few cohorts in my office that are pushing forty and will NEVER be able to grow a mustache or beard. And they're not even Chinese or Japanese.
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-04-05 01:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-04 22:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope the other side isn't as ugly and with as sparse beard-hair. I mean, come on - you look like you're in your 20s and you can't even grow a thicker half-beard? Plus, what is with the white skin? Even Shlongy has darker skin, and he looks like someone resurrected him from the dead...
twice.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-04 20:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-04 19:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-04 19:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps: eat something
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-04 19:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lack of vagina +2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-04 19:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
oh lo
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:41:47 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there IS something endearing about the intense awkwardness of the pic
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It's probably the Super Armatron in the background.
http://www.wedaa.com/~wedaa/eric/robots/toys/armatron/arm_3.jpg
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:37:42 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I see this pic, I feel like taking you home and giving you a hot meal and wash.
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Only if you give me booze-change first.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there IS something endearing about the intense awkwardness of the pic
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I see this pic, I feel like taking you home and giving you a hot meal and wash.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
photobooth mirrors as standard
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't reverse anything, apparently this is just the way Photo Booth works, deal with it.
I need my neck scruff to keep my fragile neck warm on my morning walk to the bus, it's still in the high 20s to low 30s in Spokane.
It's generally an awful place to live.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*something derogatory about your ears*
what? no, I didn't read the post, just the reviews - I thought the point was to call out subtle oddities in the picture.
your ears are fine, chicken head.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's called "Monitor Glare Reflection" paleface.
Even if that is the left side of your face, you either reversed it with an image editor, or you have no idea what "right" or "left" are.
Is your head pointy or is that just your hair...I'd suggest taking up diving if it is indeed pointy. That Coneheaded chick did it quite well...not sure if I can remember the name of the movie though.
Trim your neck fur... if you're gonna grow a beard...maintain it.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:24:21 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you have no lips
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:03:42 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Y HALO THERE MISTER NO UPPER LIP!
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Nah, I just enjoy sucking on my upper lip, it's a good filler for my time spent not sucking on penises.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you have no lips
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kidney bean.
Your head is shaped like one.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Y HALO THERE MISTER NO UPPER LIP!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-04 17:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We don't call slaughterhouses, slaughterhoses anymore. It's apparently offensive. To... cows?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-04 17:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My God, I just noticed that I'm so fucking pale that I'm actually reflecting a kind of blinding light, and there wasn't even a flash...
COOL!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-04-04 17:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
KID WHO DROVE A TRUCK WITH AN ALIEN DOLL RIDING SHOTGUN.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-04 17:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HIPPIE.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PIPPIN??????
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Captain Crap.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Id go further that and round up pretty much everyone into one camp or another but then I am a sociopath
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-04-04 13:38:43 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did you take a picture of a mirrored reflection? otherwise, i'm going to have to say that is the right side of your face.
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My computer took the picture, I think you can figure it out from there.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-04 13:38:10 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But why the left?
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Uhhh...Jesus?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did you take a picture of a mirrored reflection? otherwise, i'm going to have to say that is the right side of your face.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But why the left?