Uberotica w/Susie Derkins: Full House, Queen High (1238 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.73 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2008-04-05 19:09:40 EDT
"So Balki," said Lawrence as the familiar 80's theme wound down its refrain ("it's MY life, it's my DREAM, nothin's gonna stop me now"), "aren't you excited about how well the big job interview went? I can just see us now, working as bigwigs in the same cashew factory."
"Oh yes, Cousin Larry," said Cousin Balki, shifting his firm Mipostian buttocks about on the Fiero's squeaky pleather, "I would do dance of joy if it were not for you leaving me on side of road so often tied to tree."
"Well," said Larry, "you know how things are in America."
Balki nodded, thinking inwardly that he did, and yet he really did not. Back home, in his native Meeposs, things were different. Why, two men could be unabashedly gay. Gay, of course meaning "happy". He decided to keep quiet, lest he ruin the night out with Cousin Larry beating him with a sack of doorknobs for talking too much. Tonight, they were celebrating. He looked out the passenger window to see their girlfriend's apartment building heave into view like a brownstone herpes sore.
"Go and fetch them, Balki." Cousin Larry barked.
"But Cousin, back on Meipus..."
"FETCH! OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."
Balki shrank in horror against the door. He didn't want the hose again. The last time, it was so big. And veiny. And mildly arousing. "Mildly arousing", of course, meant "fucking sore in the ass" in his native Meatpost.
It was funny how languages worked.
Balki let his mind wander over the events of the day as he pulled his tight Grecian thighs from the upholstery and skipped lightly up the steps to his sexy girlfriend's apartment door. Their meeting with the mysterious Mr. Scruggs, CEO of the Scruggs Cashews and Kiwis, went off like a virgin's cullones in a room of naked Filipino hookers. Mr. Scruggs and Cousin Larry seemed to agree completely on the topic of nail and cuticle health, and Balki got on famously with Mr. Scrugg's pet rabbit Bunnicula.
Now at the end of the day, almost assured top positions in the company, they were on their way to meet theiri new employer at a swanky uptown club.
"Balki," asked a doe eyed Mary Anne, "why are you wearing my pantyhose?"
"Oh Boofie, these are MY stockings."
"My name is Mary Anne."
"Don't be ridiculous. It's Boofie."
"....wanker."
"Who's even talking right now?"
"I don't know anymore, dude."
"BAWK"
"You're right. Let's cut the exposition and go straight to Club Queer, which in my native Beefhost means 'Bludgeon Gays', so it it obviously a straight country western club; which is why Cousin Larry and I were asked to wear cowboy hats and assless chaps."
"Wow," said Mr Scruggs as they walked into a room that looked like something out of an Arabian Nights-themed 70's porno, the deep house mix massaging the cousin's prostates like a considerate proctologist. Scrugg's hair was much slicker than they remembered, and his black Gucci shades looked sexually inchoate. "You look awesome in those angora pantyhose, Balki."
"Dance of Joy!" Called Cousin Balki, grabbing Cousin Larry. There was some physical comedy, followed by slapstick, followed by a Luck Tiger smelling mosh pit of oily catchers in tight, white ribbed t-shirts and black leather.
"Oh fiddlesticks." Mr. Scruggs said, pulling his Dacron cape over his face as Bunnicula hopped off to a corner to wear glowstick bangles and make out with Air Bud.
Boofie, meanwhile, wandered off to the bar. She was used to these sorts of shennanigans working themselves out, and didn't even notice when she was approached by a big haired girl wearing an electric blue jumpsuit. She adjusted her hot pink flowered headband and said "YEAH, WHADDAYA WANT?"
"I would like a....what's that smell?" said Boofie, scrunching her pert little nose.
"You don't like it?" asked the bartender, "It's my own brand."
"You have your own perfume? Wow!! What's your name?"
"The name's Gibbler. Kimmy Gibbler. You want some?" she asked, pulling off a sneaker and wiggling her piggies in Boofie's face.
"No thanks, I'd just like a Shirley Temple."
Kimmy prepared the decidedly girly drink in a tall martini glass. She dropped in a --
"OMG," Icarus tapped from behind his Palm, weeping prudish tears. "THEY'RE GOING TO BE ROOFIES!"
"Er," said Susie Derkins behind her laptop, embarrassed as she always was of her buddy's third-grade views on sex. "No. Maybe not. They could be other things."
"LIKE PAPRIKA!"
"OR ROCKS!"
"PAPRIKA MAKES HER TOTALLY HAWT."
"RIGHT! ROCKS!"
" ROCKS MAKE HER TOTALLY--"
Stoned by the second sip, completely unaware of the naughty way Kimmy was fumbling with her frillly, girly orthopedic shoes. Kimmy was always nervous around overly made up drag queens, but she loved them so. So much that she drugged them with decorative rocks spiked with rohypnol.
And acetaminophen.
She didn't want them to get hangovers.
She loved them so.
"Why do I feel sleepy?" asked Boofie right before she pitched headlong into Kimmy's foot fetishist embrace.
"Wow," said Cousin Larry, doing his best attempt at the Robot with the pair of what he assumed to be motorcycle enthusiasts. "Look at how hetrosexual this club is. Virtually no women at all. Just a place where guys can hang out together, be guys, and cut loose."
"Yes," said Cousin Balki, "but Cousin Larry, the way this is humping my leg, it reminds me I am worried about Boofie."
"Don't worry about your dear Boofie," said Mr. Scruggs, embracing Balki from behind, carressing his colorless Grecian midriff. "I will teach you things that your Boofie never could."
"Oh?" Asked Balki. Drunk with the hypnotic beat of the music and the feeling of Scrugg's purple angora gloves along his love handles, the foreign bastard was only fainlty aware of the fact that he was touching his face. "English? My English skills suck ass."
"Naughtier."
"Cab driving?"
"Kinkier."
"Erotic massage?"
"Ping pong."
"OOO!!!"
And so they gathered about the ping pong table, Scruggs talking the virgin Balki gently from behind as he showed him just how to grip his studded rubber paddle.
*WHAP*
"Hey!" yelped Balki, rubbing his lederhosen-clad buns. "I don't think you should be doing that! What if Boofie..."
Scruggs pointed to the corner, where Boofie and Kimmy Gibbler were locked together so tight, the two had become one entity: Boobbler. Balki stared in disbelief, a single tear welling up in his right eye. He turned to Cousin Larry, who seemed to be deeply involved with a big fat black man wearing a skimpy cop uniform. Balki ran over to them, weeping uncontrollably.
"Cousin Larry, Boofie is..." he wailed
"Shut up, Balki! I'm busy." he turned back to the fat cop, "You were saying, darling?"
"I was saying that if you want this crack," at which the cop shook his rather rotund moneymaker, "...you'll have to work for it."
"Well, show me what I'm paying for then, Carl!"
Carl, the scantily clad cop, jumped into a Go Go Cage and shook his tukus so hard it put that fucking Urkle kid's eye out.
"Wow," said Cousin Larry. "You just injured an ethnic stereotype. That's making Tigger harder than the time Balki peed on the floor, so I inserted a lit cigarette into his fat Greek colon."
"Tigger?" Asked Carl.
"It's what Jeniffer calls my willy." Said Larry.
"Then get him on up here too!" Larry hopped intot he cage behind the fat black "cop" and everybody began doing the Safety Dance. The Go-go cage was locked, and the poison snakes were let in.
A particularly slender coral snake reminded Balki of his sweet Boofie's pet Boa Constrictor. He cast a wistful eye back to the corner. Kimmy had abandoned her snoring form on the bar and was now trying to score some methamphetamines from Stephanie Tanner. He looked back at Cousin Larry and Carl doing the Superbowl Shuffle and smiled. Carl waved him up.
"You ever been in a go go cage, son?" asked Carl
"Yes. But on Miepoo, we call them 'Cages of Heretic Sexy Leg Girls."
"Well here, they're just dance cages."
"Yes but in capitalist Sheeproast, dance cages you."
Just then the bathroom door burst open and a short bearded man in a furry fez ran in screaming foreign obscenities. He grabbed ahold of the cage and shook it violently.
"THEIF! THIEF!" he screamed, "YOU STEAL MY BIT, CAPITALIST PIG."
"Oh, don't be sad, little Russian man." soothed Balki, "Look, I have borscht for you."
And then they had sex.
User Reviews
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-04-16 15:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
refreshing
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-14 12:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BEST DESCRIPTION EVAR!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-13 20:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Combine a serious writers formula with NAMBLA and the WWE and you're about halfway there.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2008-04-07 19:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so out there I had ot give it a good rating! Great imagination and imagery!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-07 18:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-07 11:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well poo, I got you two.
At least I can get screwed by something good an entertaining
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-04-07 11:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-07 09:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-04-06 20:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-06 20:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-04-06 19:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok this was amusing for the camp value alone
auto "late 80s TGIF lineup" +2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-06 14:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your house your rules, orphy. We can have another go with a title.
But it won't have anything to do with the title.
Unless said title involves Pac Man, or Pee Wee Herman, or the caat of Head of the Class.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-06 13:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't expect anyone to use assigned titles, people just like to give them it seems.
I think the rating for this post should stand who ever you get, I will check with my co-organiser and partner in (sex) crime.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-06 12:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ask Ms. Derkins. I only supplied the adjectives. You know what they say about a girl with big shoes...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-06 11:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Frillly, girly orthopedic shoes? Where can I procure this item?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-04-06 11:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-06 01:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Erm, it's my understanding that entry to the competition runs to today, pairings are posted later today with submissions due wednesday.
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...........dammit.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-06 11:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR "RULES", MAN!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-06 01:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Erm, it's my understanding that entry to the competition runs to today, pairings are posted later today with submissions due wednesday.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-04-06 00:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Perfect Strangers.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-04-06 00:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-05 22:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lest he ruin the night out with Cousin Larry beating him with a sack of doorknobs for talking too much.
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there were a lot of great lines, but i found this one particularly hilarious.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-05 21:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
club gay sounds sweet
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-05 21:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shoulda been full house, queens full of sixes
or kings or aces are something. or if this was gayrodica, kings full of Jacks.
(snicker snicker snicker guffaw)
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-05 19:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sweet!