Roaches and the Willies at 2 AM (632 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Anthony Locascio (View user info) at 2008-04-06 02:05:17 EDT
As a resident of Florida, it is warm most of the year round. Even the bitterest, harshest of winters rarely brings temperatures below freezing, and almost never for more than one day. Thusly, insects are not decimated by the cold and breed freely and lovingly. Florida is also home to a bug which is referred to as a "palmetto bug". It was named that by the Florida Chamber of Commerce, because if anyone found out that cockroaches grew to the size that they do in this state, no one would come her and the tourism would dry up.
I am, quite simply, terrified to death of quite a few insects. Most specifically, roaches, wasps/bees, and spiders. With spiders, I am only afraid of the giant ass wood spiders, because if you try to spray one it will jump off the wall and onto your face. Ever since this happened to me, I've been quite leery of them, but it makes sense since scientists have recently found people are genetically programmed to be afraid of spiders. The wasps and bees thing makes sort of sense too, since no one wants to get stung, and Florida is home to some big, nasty wasps called yellow jackets that can kill you if you take a lot of hits. Roaches, however, are a real phobia. Roaches are the filthiest, most vile creatures that I can think of. There was a horror serial once called "Creepshow" in which a germophobe's house gets taken over by roaches. I can't watch it - it makes me want to vomit my guts loose.
Thanks to the skillful and highly trained illegals they used to renovate the supposedly "luxury" apartments in which I live, the sink leaks. Since its an under mount sink, the water leaked down under the cabinets. Roaches love moisture, and love the dark. Two nights ago, I went to the dishwasher to get a clean glass for some water (I never empty it, I just rotate the dirty from left to right and then run the washer again) when the fucker crawls over my hand. I freak out and start slapping my own hand and doing some sort of dance that one might do if they suddenly had fire ants dropped onto their nuts. By the time I got it together, he went behind the dishwasher where I couldn't get him, not that I was in a position to go after him, since I was frantically washing my hand in the bathroom.
The next night I flicked on the light at four and the fucker was BACK in the same place! I suppose I could have had him, but I took too long deciding which book to crush him with. I didn't want roach pieces all over my good tech manuals, so by the time I found a People! magazine he went back behind the dishwasher again.
Finally I got some roach spray, sprayed some through the crack between the dishwasher and the cabinet and thought that was that. Nobody could survive that, right? Well a half hour ago when I got up to get a drink, the fucker was back AGAIN in the same place. I took a swing at him and missed and he ducked in again. Now I got the roach spray and went to town, just let loose back there. After a moment, a little tiny roach crawled out, upended himself and died. I killed the bastard's son, but where was he? I spotted him trying to make his way behind the fridge, where I couldn't reach him. I'm about ready to pull the fridge out to get the son of a bitch when he spread his wings and took off. Yep, palmetto bugs aka huge cockroaches can fly pretty well. It buzzed my head, and I'm glad no one was around, because I started slapping myself in the forehead and going:
"Aaaackkpttttttttttttttpbptbpbpbpbpbtptpbtpbtpb!"
Finally, I saw him land. He was doing that stutter-step that roaches do when they're dying, but he was still making a run for it. I gave him a direct shot. He ran faster. I hit him again with the spray. And again. And AGAIN. He crawled behind the couch. I threw the whole couch out of the way to keep an eye on him. I can't pick up a roach if it's still moving, I have to wait until it dies. But the fucker started climbing up the wall! I hit him again and again. He still wouldn't die! Finally I realized I'm going to have to give him the coup de grace manually. When he finally fell, I squashed him with the bottle. He's still twitching, but I am victorious.
Only now I'm worried because in my mind I can picture ten, a hundred roaches pouring out from behind that dishwasher because I sprayed back there and I can't get to sleep to save my ass because I have a major case of the willies here at 2 am. Plus I won't pick up the roach until it stops moving, so there. Yes yes, I'm a pussy. Screw you.
User Reviews
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-21 21:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck? I just found out roaches can fly.
Then last night my friend told me they're called Palmetto bugs, so they aren't roaches.
Now you're telling me they just fucking renamed the assholes?
I FUCKING HATE ROACHES: they scare the bejeezus outta me; I keep roachspray right by my bed......
I'm THOROUGHLY creeped out right now.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-07 19:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
....
But will it work on Girl Scouts?
-----
Nothing can stop Girl Scouts. They're out there, and they absolutely will not stop - ever - until you buy cookies.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The damn bastards are the only life form that could survive a nuclear holocast.
That alone should be enough reason to fear and hate them.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-06 13:05:50 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bought some stuff at one of the the DIY Professional Pest Eradication places that abound in FL. One of those places where they'll sell you professional-strength bugdeath for you to squirt around your own home. The scorpion treatment is a fast-acting neurotoxin - same stuff that's in those bee/wasp death cans that shoot 20 feet and kills bees on contact. Does the same for scorpions, spiders, and as it happens, cockroaches. In sufficient quantities, I imagine it'd work if you had to address a puppy infestation. Highly recommended.
--------------------------------
But will it work on Girl Scouts?
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked in a cannery when I was much younger. There were BIG cockyroaches, one night I thought I would smash one. The windup the hit...I knocked its leg off. For the next week I saw the same dam roach, minus the leg. UGH
Submitted by Occams_Razor (user info) at 2008-04-07 10:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yech.
That stupid Riddex commercial where they show cockroaches crawling all over the place makes me fucking sick. They're so disgusting.
Submitted by jigglypuff (user info) at 2008-04-07 04:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved the Creepshow films. They are so bad it's funny!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-06 20:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-06 19:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this would make a good short film call beer-turtle
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-04-06 19:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also live in Florida and know your plight +2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-06 19:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i make you look brave in comparison.
houston is the same.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-06 17:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-04-06 09:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I ate a roach for $20 in high school, good times, good times.
===================
Pfffttttt!!! We ate roaches all the time in the 60s. Oh wait, you mean bugs?
Barf.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-06 14:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in FL too. Flying Cockroaches of DOOM do suck, but they can only kill you by burrowing into your ear-hole as you sleep and laying eggs in your brain. Remember "The Wrath of Kahn"? Kinda like that. I have brown scorpions about 2-inches long around my house. They love to climb up the exterior walls of my house after the sun's warmed up the stucco. I bought some stuff at one of the the DIY Professional Pest Eradication places that abound in FL. One of those places where they'll sell you professional-strength bugdeath for you to squirt around your own home. The scorpion treatment is a fast-acting neurotoxin - same stuff that's in those bee/wasp death cans that shoot 20 feet and kills bees on contact. Does the same for scorpions, spiders, and as it happens, cockroaches. In sufficient quantities, I imagine it'd work if you had to address a puppy infestation. Highly recommended.
Submitted by TooMuchMan (user info) at 2008-04-06 12:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's weird. It's like something out of that twilighty show about
that zone.
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror VI
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-04-06 09:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I ate a roach for $20 in high school, good times, good times.
Submitted by JustAnotherStudent (user info) at 2008-04-06 09:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Snagglepuss- congrats, you are a real man.
Cowboy the hell up, it's a fucking bug, and not even poisonous.
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2008-04-06 09:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
One day, when I was going to college (hence semi-impoverished), I raided my piggy bank because I was munchied-out/starving. I scrounged enough change together to buy an anemic chicken, a potato, some carrots, celery and an onion. Thus did I begin to simmer my delicious chicken soup.
An hour later my stomach was growling from the seductive scent of my savory broth.
At this stage, half-crazed from hunger, I feverishly lifted the lid from the pot....and there, floating on top of my eagerly awaited feast- between a slice of carrot and celery- was a fucking monstrous cockroach.
It would have been bad enough if the beast had just fallen in (three-second rule), but the cunt had been simmering in the soup for an hour, releasing all its rancid-roachy, slimey rectal guts into my porridge!
I was so hungry, however, that I cowboyed-up and courageously choked down the evil brew....albeit with not as much gusto as I had anticipated an hour earlier.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-04-06 07:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's natural to be disturbed by any living thing that responds to having its head cut of by dying... eventually.
Jesus wept.
Submitted by Fat-Sacks (user info) at 2008-04-06 07:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am a Florida person also, ever seen the monstrous beatles that scream at you? You enter war when you battle them, they are a little longer that a cigarette, and fly, shiny too.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-04-06 04:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Creepy things they are.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-06 04:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I often get the willies.
You could have put something else in the picture to 'scale' it. That thing is probably tiny...
:)
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2008-04-06 03:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was terrifying.
I've never seen a roach in real life and I'm glad because I'd start crying. A lot.
I think one of the worst things in the world is when insects all come at your face. When I was younger, I read those '82 true facts' things that went around on internets, and I couldn't sleep for 3 days after reading the bit about how the average human eats 4 spiders or whatever in their sleep. I was so terrified of waking up and a spider being on my face and me about to eat it that I didn't sleep.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-04-06 02:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-06 02:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's alot of hate
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-04-06 02:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
based on the picture
"don't move until you see it
"don't move until you see it
"don't move until you see it"
...I'm sorry, Dad."
:(
Submitted by jasumthin (user info) at 2008-04-06 02:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment