What is said and what is heard (711 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.83 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-04-07 20:25:28 EDT
Sounding more geared up to deliver last rites than wedding vows, the priest asks if you have any last words:
"Do you take this woman....."
It should be easy to back out of a marriage at the absolute very last minute but that was an hour ago. With all of your friends and family in attendance witnessing this act of love, you have officially passed the point of no return. The question has been asked and everyone is waiting on your response. With each passing millisecond, the number of people who loath you grows exponentially as you stand in silence. At least that what that voice on your shoulder is telling you.
Cartoons do the whole cliché of an angel on one side and a devil on the other. You are fortunate enough to have Poppa Smurf and Lionel from Thundercats. And they both hate you. So make like a superhero that can stop time, ignore the hallucinations as best you can so that the milliseconds become hours. You begin to weigh your options.
Church? Paid for. Reception? Paid for. Honeymoon? Paid for. Rings? Paid for. All this useless shit that you really don't care about and will never think of again is paid for. Slowly, you realize that a tremendous amount of time and money has been spent with the expectations that you will never sleep with another person other than the woman in the expensive white dress standing three feet away from you. Consider this church sponsored long term prostitution with less sex taking place as time goes on. Such a shame. The bridesmaid with the tattoo on her lower back and the reputation for basking in the glow of more than one cock at a time will sure to be the victim of her own poor choices and alcohol abuse tonight. She is a problem drinker in more than one sense. That being said, even she isn't that much of a whore to fuck you tonight. It's obvious to all in attendance that tonight you intend on fucking yourself.
This will be painful. You will experience humiliation. You are about to rape yourself. You cannot prepare for what comes next. You have no choice. You feel like an unfortunate survivor of a plane crash that has to take part in cannibalism in order to survive. Self preservation will make a person do dreadful things.
This scene would be rather pitiful had that best man not slipped you those pills five minutes before the ceremony. A cocktail of hallucinogens, anti-anxiety pills, Nyquil, and Flinstone's Chewables for a hint of silly can work wonders in this, your darkest hour. At least it made the reading from Corinthians tolerable:
"love is patient, love is kind, love is interested in threesomes, love will let a midget stay in the guest room, love uses yellow play-do for unspeakable sex acts, love buys transsexual porn, love likes a finger in the ass every now and then, love shuts the fuck up."
Jesus wept and sweat blood. You have cartoon characters spit epitaphs of hate towards you, and reinvent Bible verses. You feel closer to God than you ever have before.
But sometimes what is said and what is heard are two totally different things.
The priest has passed his sentence upon you. Your own personal inquisition. To make this end all you have to do is say two words. Two words and you will be getting laid daily for the next two weeks and then sadly you will be placed on strict vagina rations and bimonthly blowjobs because she understands how supply and demand works. You'd set yourself on fire now with the Unity Candle if it weren't for the drugs and the late night visit from your soon to be father in law warning you against back out and fucking up his babygirl's big day. You alcohol influenced response about that same babygirl and her preference for unlubricated anal sex may not have been the best course of action to take but it did leave a memory deeply burned in his brain as his threat did to yours. Justice, retaliation, honesty, vengeance: syllables based upon perception.
But it's not really his fault. He's just been married too long and forgets what cumming on bare ass is like.
During your marriage class the priest laughed when he told you that she will never be happier than the moment you say "I do". How inspiring. What he meant to say was you'll wind up like a heroin junky chasing that first high for the rest of your miserable life but finding only disappointment, bankruptcy, and shame. You'll commit assorted sex acts in order to please her but it will never be enough to satisfy her. Then you'll turn to jewelry only to discover that as the value of the gems increase her reactions decrease. The more you spend the less you get until it is all gone. Your possessions, your soul, your life will all be taken in a vain attempt to make her achieve that level of happiness. "Till death do us part" becomes less of a promise and more of a goal.
If you give in and say those two little words she achieves bliss and you descend into hell. If you say nothing, she is crushed and you will be slaughtered like the beast that you are. The point of no return is exactly what it sounds like. Either choice you make means suffering. It just depends on how much you want to hurt before you die.
You weight your options and make your decision. Time resumes. You look her in the eye and take it like a man who has accepted his fate:
"I do."
She bursts into tears of joy and you shed a tear of your own but only you know the true reason why. Sometimes what is said and what is heard are two totally different things.
User Reviews
Submitted by MrsKitty (user info) at 2008-04-10 16:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I just say this was the first thing I have read on this site and it cracked me up? I'm getting married in less than 10 days and, even though I am female, this is EXACTLY what I have been thinking! Bravo!!!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-08 22:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Liar.
Submitted by jasumthin (user info) at 2008-04-08 21:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, thanks for all of the feedback so far. I wrote it in about 10 minutes sitting in a meeting at work.
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking right
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2008-04-08 18:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Never thought of it that way.....excellent illustration and explanation!
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-04-08 14:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just remember Jasumthin, I recognized your genius long before anyone else here did.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-08 13:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-08 13:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-04-08 12:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... The most deserved +2 on this site in a long time. Plus fucking Two.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-08 11:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My God, who would actually get married if they felt that rotton about it? Only the deepest masochist, surely.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-08 10:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marge, let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'.
-- Homer Simpson
Colonel Homer
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-04-08 10:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The night before the wedding:
Why is the groom so happy? He just got the best BJ of his life...
Why is his fiance smiling? She just gave the last one of hers.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-08 10:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was genuinely beautiful, better than 95% of what is posted on Uber. What I like most of all was how you fit the whole page into a single moment.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-04-08 09:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**starts a slow-clap**
awesome!!!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-08 08:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a hundred different shades of awesome.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-08 08:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or it's a tax dodge
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I kind of thing marriage is a ridiculous idea.
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Marriage as an idea isn't ridiculous, no more so that the idea of Christmas or wiping your ass after you shit or any other 'tradition'. What is ridiculous is the idea that you have to get married or that you have to follow any certain 'rules' when it comes to marriage. When you look at it as an optional ceremony that you either partake in or don't and it really has not bearing on whether you love the person or not it's simply just another thing to do. Sometimes women and me need 'marriage' as a an act of proof of love...so be it....to each his or her own.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay...this has totally put me off marriage.
Thank God for divorce.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I kind of thing marriage is a ridiculous idea.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read my comment and it makes it seem that I think my marriage is crap. Couldn't be further from the truth. It's too early for deep thought.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs more reviews!
I'm engaged and I hear ya buddy
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-04-08 06:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just got married 3 weeks ago...
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I just got married 17 years ago and no, it's nothing your post. And oddly enough, this post isn't crap. Makes me wonder where your inspiration came from. The "Love is..." paragraph is gold.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the question shouldn't be 'do you take' it should be 'can you take'
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-04-08 06:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just got married 3 weeks ago and no, it's nothing like your post which doesn't mean it was crap.
More of a Hollywood outlook on things. Funny.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-08 02:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautifully written but the idea of marrying someone you don't love and adore is just really fucking stupid. Wake the fuck up. There is nothing macho about taking a grenade. As far as I am concerned you deserve every miserable moment for being a retard.
I mean the character.
Or whatever. But like I said, your writing was wonderful.
Submitted by DanielJackings (user info) at 2008-04-08 02:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-08 02:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2008-04-07 23:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well fuck my ass and call me your sister......
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-07 22:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My thoughts exactly. Exactfuckingly. Well said.