Christ Version 2.0 (559 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.2 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-04-08 22:19:47 EDT
Ted is the kind of guy that religious leaders worship. If he didn't fuck up so often and do stupid shit they would have no reason to do what they do. His every mistake gives them a greater sense of purpose. Every defect of Ted's character keeps them employed.
Ted drinks too much. Ted likes strip clubs. Ted swears profusely and for no reason other than the simple glorious fact that he can. His existence in this world provides him with purpose. He is Christ Version 2.0 and they secretly love him for it.
Ted has disciples. He calls them bartenders. He calls them strippers. He calls them targets for unbridled hate. Churches need people like Ted. Without them they have nothing to preach about, nothing to stand against. If not for Ted, they would be out of jobs. Just another group of misguided do-gooders. Supply and demand never seemed more logical.
Ted's ministry includes acts of charity. He tips his bartender. He gives a strange woman that he doesn't know a dollar for showing him her pussy. He cures their ailment of diminished bank accounts. He is a true miracle worker. With every folded dollar he shoves into a garter belt, he role models his acts of love. Others follow his lead. Water into wine may be a bit out of his league, but he can sure turn two bucks at happy hour into Budweiser.
Just think of him as Jesus with an upgrade and all the newest features.
When Ted has passed from this world others will take up his cross and continue spreading his Gospel to the masses. He will never die, and neither will his message. For countless years to come, religious leaders will light a candle for him and those like him honoring his work. He is their purpose.
If Ted spends eternity in hell, he will be thanked daily by Satan himself for providing him with purpose as well. Even the Dark Lord needs supporters.
Ted's life will not be lived in vain. His works supports both Heaven and Hell. And the world will be a better place because of him and his fucked up existence.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-09 23:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't figure out why people don't dig you more.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-04-09 23:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To Ted.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-04-09 17:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I <3 Ted!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-04-09 17:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
blow me
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-04-09 16:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF? I'M NOT READING ALL THAT
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-09 16:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, I applaud critical thinking, individuality, and iconoclasm and all that, but this was garbage. First off, you come across as a hypocrite painting the religious types with the same broad brush they paint sinners/heretics/other religous blokes with. Second, Jeff, or whatever the hell you named your character, comes across as the whiny Green Day-quoting retard. Third, you're going for shock value in the last place there is any. Go back to riling mormons on Yahoo religious chat.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-09 11:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh dear, I think I would look a compleate Burk in Spandex.
Maybe this is a job best left to him.
I'm really starting to wonder where he is though.
Proberbly out saving a drwning puppy or something
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-09 10:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just continue as normal, to reveal your suspicions could be fatal. The next time he does out to 'work' pillage through his wardrobe, looking for a clue: spandex y-fronts; spandex mask; spandex cape; in fact, anything spandex.
You do realise that if you wanted to join him you'd have to wriggle into some kind of skimpy spandex outfit too?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-09 10:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By golly you're right! Should I let on in subtle ways that I know his secret, or should I just continue as before? Do you think he would let me wear his costume sometimes, or it that expecting too much?
I want to be a contractor. Do you think he would take me along with him one time?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-09 10:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't ask LM, keep the mystery alive. Besides, if he told you he'd probably have to kill you.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-09 10:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a thing about never questioning him when he is late home or on where he has been.....after thinking about this I might have to start!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-09 10:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OR he's responding to an urgent emergency and is rescuing a boat of schoolchildren who have dropped their oars into the pond, with his trusty, effeminate side-kick.
Think about it.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-09 10:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bwahahaha
FJ - the contractor has failed to return home yet, so I assume he is either feeling better, being held captive at work or splattered all over the road as the result of some grisely accident.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-09 10:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Would be better longer and with a bit more purpose.
===========================
The contractor still not feeling too great, huh.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-09 10:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would be better longer and with a bit more purpose.
What the fuck am I on about..........
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-09 09:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-09 06:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Balls.
Submitted by DanielJackings (user info) at 2008-04-09 05:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-09 04:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My roommate keeps bitchingabout how I didn't pay the water bill while he was gone.
ahhaahahahahahaha
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-09 03:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-09 02:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-04-09 01:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-08 22:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One post per century, n00b.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-04-08 22:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Is Ted's last name Kennedy?