Uberotica with Icarus1987 - Brokeback Playhouse (1118 hits)
Category: Politics -> AfghanistanRating: 1.86 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2008-04-10 00:06:25 EDT
Credit has to go to Mr. Rob Berg. He was doing a drawing for this post, but due to time zone differences, we were unable to include it. Thanks anyway Rob!
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It was the bloodiest day in Playhouse history. It was worse than the time Motorhead jammed with the Puppet Band. Worse than that night the weekly bridge game with Ozzy and Rob Halford morphed into an acid-fueled orgy. The hands on Clockey's face were kinked and twisted beyond recognition, a spider web of cracks criss-crossed Mr. Window's pane, Randy was a tangled ball of wire and splinters, and Chairy's upholstery was still spurting polyfill. Peewee whimpered, slumping into the sawdust remains of poor, circular-sanded Floory as he pondered the twisted chain of events that led him down this path of destruction.
It began as any day in the Playhouse usually did - him, naked, hung over, in a bed covered with sticky Monopoly money next to a buxom pair of underage throw pillows.
"Mmmm" one purred as he shoved her decorative fringe off his chest (hairless like a freshly shorn lamb) and stumbled out of his Care Bears comforter. "Can I really be on the show, big P?"
"Mergh," He replied. His head throbbed like something out of either a bad '60s horror or a bad '70s porn; the figure that emerged from the depths of his bathroom mirror looked like a mix of both. Eyes bloodshot, skin pasty and slightly crusted with vomit, hair like a road-kill opossum. Why did he have to chase that pink cosmo with crystal meth? It wouldn't do; not today of all days. Not with Miss Yvonne coming to the Playhouse. He'd been planning to finally ask her out to dinner today, hopefully before that damned Cowboy Curtis did.
Cowboy Curtis.
That jerkoff was always riding in on his yarn-haired pony, tight jeans and roughrider chaps and thought the sun shone out of his ebony ass. And he keeps trying to get people to eat red pills and something about his rabbit hole. Very kinky.
Pee Wee shook his head and tried to rid his mind of such thoughts. He wasn't gay. Although there was that one....NO. Not gay. He shook his head again. He needed to shower and shave before Miss Yvonne got there. He threw the throw pillows their shams and told them to hit the road as he slipped into the shower, only to realize that it was already blasting hot, steamy water. Oh, and also that it was occupied.
"Hey bro," Pac Man said, "Thanks for letting me crash here last night."
That's right; he let the Packer crash on his sofa after that Ritalin binge. The spherical bastard could never be relied on. Peewee shook his head, hoping Packer didn't get Sofa Girl pregnant - or give her the clap. Yeah, Packer was a real shithole of a friend... still, the way the water cascaded over his supple yellow skin was almost hypnotizing. It glistened off his onyx eye, his wide, athletic mouth...
...
Well, that's really all there was to him, but somehow it was enough. Less was more. He could see what the ladies saw. A stud. A man's man. Just imagining the Pac Daddy in a room full of nubile young microwave stands and tv trays was enough to make Peewee Weewee stand to attention.
"Would you mind washing under my chin?" Pac Man asked. "It's really hard for me to get my, you know, lower half without any hands or anything."
"Your... bottom half?" Peewee asked, trying to shroud his straining oompah loompah behind a cloud of Mr. Bubble, subconsciously tracing his fingers along every inch (that is to say all three) as he did so.
"Sure," said Pac Man, sliding back against him as he stooped over to pick up the soap bar, "bottom halves are a right dirt magnet, Peewee, and if you get mine... I'll get yours."
"UM, MAGNET!" Peewee screamed, pressing himself back against the shower doors. "THAT'S THE WORD OF THE DAY!"
"What?"
"YEAH!"
"Really?"
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!"
"Sweet! What do I get, Big P?"
"UM, YOU GET THE SHOWER TO YOURSELF! AND THE BATHROOM TOO! I NEED TO GO GET NOT NAKED AND HAVE GAY SEX WITH MS YVONNE!"
"... Gay sex, Peewee?.."
"I MEAN MEET! MEET MS YVONNE! GAY SEX IS ALSO THE WORD OF THE DAY!"
"Dude, really?"
"AAHHHHHH!!!!"
"AHHHHHH!!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"
"VAVOOM I'M GONE!"
Peewee dashed out of the bathroom door like a Republican senator with rabid reporters on his heels, his slacks unironed, his bowtie sagging around his half-exposed nipple. What the hell was with him today? First daydreaming about Cowboy Curtis, then a homoerotic hit-and-run with a staple of '80s gaming. He was on his way to grab some Cheerios when he noticed Jambi's cabinet door was ajar.
"That's odd," he said to Pterri, "usually he's all anal about locking that thing."
"BAWK!," Pterri said. "His friend Earl Scruggs stopped by an hour ago, and it sounds like they've been hurting each other ever since."
Walking on the tippy toes of his bowling shoes, Peewee stole closer and closer to Jambi's cabinet where he heard sounds. Odd sounds. Odd grunting and panting sounds. And the occasional "SQUEEEEE". Peewee reached out with a shaking hand, mindful of the dancing sock donkey in his grey trousers, and opened the cabinet door.
"JAMBI!" screamed Peewee.
"WHAT?" screamed Jambi, "Oh...uh....Peewee...it's not what it looks like."
"It LOOKS like you're giving that narc Earl Scruggs a BJ!"
"What? No. This is my Earl Scruggs blowup doll. He lost a bit of air overnight, so I was just refilling him."
"Why do you have an Earl Scruggs blowup doll?" whispered Peewee.
"It was a present for you, Big P." said Jambi. "I wanted to surprise you for your birthday."
"WHY WOULD I WANT AN EARL SCRUGGS BLOWUP DOLL?"
"You...don't? Would you rather a Jimmy Buffet one?"
"I'M....NOT....GAY!"
"DID SOMEONE SAY GAY SEX?" yelled Pac Man from the bathroom.
"GAY SEX AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH" screamed everyone in the playhouse.
"You know Peewee," Said Jambi, "almost all children's entertainers go through a gay phase. Bert had Ernie. Rupert had Bill Badger. Mr. Rogers had the King Friday."
"I remember my first bromance." Pacman reminisced, emerging from the bathroom in nothing but a strategically draped washrag. "Q-Bert and Frogger and I were snorting tweeters and - oh man that was the best hummer I ever - but it was hard for me too, man. But just because two bro's do something it doesn't mean we're fruity, guy, it just means we're me--"
"I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I!"
"Metro---"
"I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I!"
"You're a metrosexual, Peewee"
"I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE. IT BOUNCES OFF ME AND STICKS TO--
"That's what I want, Big P." Pac Man patiently confided. "I want to be the glue on your rubber. I want you bouncing around all inside me. Now maybe the shower thing don't float your boat. There are other queer fantasies out there, pal. We can pretend you're the bum and I'm the sexy proctologist, or that you're the plumber and I'm the naughty outlet baffle."
"I'M NOT LISTENING! LALALALALALA!!!!"
"Look, buddy," Jambi said, "we can all see it. The bow tie, the hair, the way you talk to inanimate objects. You're all bottled up inside. All we want is to help you unclench all those gay feelings inside you before you shoot a nun."
"Jambi," Pac Man said, leaning his head against Peewee's chest, "let's help Peewee fulfill his wish."
"I get sloppy seconds," said Jambi, an impish grin spreading across his big blue face as he intoned the magic words; "Mekalekahimekachiney--"
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Peewee screamed. Hopping on his bike, he rode circles along the playhouse walls whilst honking the horn. This was all crazy insane. He wasn't gay. He wasn't metrosexual. He liked women. Broads. Babes. Sure, most of them were technically furniture, but there was Ms. Yvonne, and Large Marge, and the Cowntess and - oh shit, she was a cow—
"HEY PEEWEE!" Penny shouted, shoving herself over the rim of the photo frame. "I -- HOLY MOTHER OF SH--!!!!" The eight year old's tiny body sounded like a nickle slot jackpot as it jammed the bike's spokes and ricocheted across the Playhouse. The bike bucked, launching Peewee over its sparkly, tassled handlebars and into the television.
"Well, howdy pardner," A voice said, hauling him out of unconsciousness with a friendly slap on the back.
"Hey Cowboy Curtis," Peewee groaned, collecting himself and shaking the dust off his slacks.
"I heard what's going on in there," He said, mounting his 'pony'. "Sounds like you got a right dilemma on your hands, Peewee."
"I'll say," Said Peewee, riding along as the cheesy '50s Western theme picked up. "I guess you wouldn't know anything about any of THAT kinda stuff, though."
"Oh I dunno, Peewee." Said Curtis, "bein' a cowboy, I got plenty of time to consider lotsa stuff."
"Like what?"
"Like what women want."
Peewee nodded. "I think about that a lot, Cowboy Curtis."
"Women want a fearless man, Peewee."
"Yeah," Peewee said, a dreamy look in his eyes. "a fearless man."
"A man who's not a'feared of a rattlesnake."
"Yeah!"
"Or color coordination."
"I guess so."
"Or his raging desire to visit a Turkish bathhouse."
"..."
"A man shouldn't be afraid to explore his feelings, should he?"
"Well... no!"
"Then why should you be afraid to explore the FEELING of my tater tot in your bunnyhole? It's jes' cotton pickin' silly!"
"Well, if a COWBOY thinks of it, it MUST be manly. Let's go."
And then they had -
"GASP!" said Ms. Yvonne. She had the annoying habit of pronouncing EVERYTHING. Still had a nice rack though. "Peewee, what the FLIRTING HECK ARE YOU DOING AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY OPEN-TOED PUMPS WHILST BENT OVER THAT YARN 'PONY'??"
"Howdy, Miss Yvonne!" Cowboy Curtis said, flickin his jheri curl.
"It's not what it looks like!" Peewee said, "Cowboy Curtis explained it! It's not GAY SEX!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"
"It's manly! Cowboy Curtis said so!"
"Peewee, you're nice, but such a silly man." said Chicky Baby "You just tricked him to get at his can."
"WHAT?" screamed Peewee.
"Don't be such a Negative Nelly," said Cool Cat rhythmically, "You supplied the KY Jelly."
"I DID NOT."
"Don't waste our time with your silly lies." Dirty Dog cooed, "You can't hide your bedroom eyes."
"Admit it, Peewee." said Cowboy Curtis, zipping up his form fitting jeans, "You seduced me."
"Is this true, Peewee?" asked a teary Miss Yvonne.
"No Miss Yvonne! It's all lies!" cried Peewee, "Cowboy Curtis told me..."
"This is shocking. Just shocking!" Miss Yvonne shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes, "I was going to see if you wanted to go to the Playland Hodown with me tonight. I bought you a new hat and everything!"
"I'll go with you Miss Yvonne!" piped up Cowboy Curtis, "I look good in hats."
"That's a great idea. It will get your mind of this monster tricking you into giving up your flower to him."
They walked off together, leaving poor Peewee behind. Cowboy Curtis turned his head back, winked and mouthed the words "Call me." And blew Peewee a kiss.
Peewee couldn't contain his rage. "But... but YOU had your DONGLE in MY usb PORT!!!!!"
"It's opposite day," said Cowboy Curtis. Slapping Ms. Yvonne on the tush, he added, "I'm going to get my best pair of assless chaps and I'll meet you out back. Then we can both get our ho's down."
"Sooo manly," Ms. Yvonne crooned as she shut the door behind her.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The warcry emerged from deep within Peewee's violated sphincter and spilled out of his lips until it echoed like thunder about the fiberboard walls.
"WTF!" Globey cried as he was wafted into the air. "Peewee, what are you - put me d- OH FUCK NO!!!"
"P-Peewee?" Jambi stuttered as Peewee hobbled forward, staggering like Atlas under the weight of the globe. "What are you doing, bro? No need to get, uh, y'know, crazy."
"I KNOW YOU ARE!" Peewee brought Globey down with every ounce of force his 118 lb frame could muster, embedding brightly colored shards in Jambi's head. "BUT WHAT AM I???"
Jambi spurt sparkly purple torrents from his scalp as he slumped backwards, but didn't answer. The fish screamed, and the talking food made for the fridge.
"Oh shit!" Cried Billy Baloney, vainly bobbling his little legs as Peewee reeled his strings around his fist. "Let me go, Peewee! PLEASE CAN I JUST GO BACK INTO MY BOX!"
"I DON'T KNOW!" Peewee swung him around like a sling, launching the puppet against Mr. Window with enough force to leave a spidery full body imprint in the cracks and fissures that blossomed from the point of impact. "CAN YOU??!!"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Chairy screamed. "HE'S SNAPPED! RUN!"
"Tee hee," Peewee tittered. "He should have said MAY I! Silly goose!"
He grabbed a knife and went after Magic Screen, stabbing several holes into its psychedelic LCD. Peewee grabbed a sharpie and scribbled wildly over the oozing wounds.
"CONNECT THE DOTS! LA LA LA LA! CONNECT THE DOTS! LA LA LA LA!!!"
He remembered going for Dr. Bosch Sawsall as the screaming began, but everything after that was a blur.
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Peewee awoke on the floor covered in wood shavings, pennies and stuffing. He curled into a ball and wept for what he had done, and the fact that he had destroyed his playhouse and all his friends. Just then a stuttering, clattering noise rounded the corner. It appeared that Conky had survived the massacre.
"Conky!"
"C-c-c-conky-y-y 2000 r-r-ready-y-y-y to assist you, Peewee!"
"Oh thank heavens you're alive. Tell me something: what's today's secret word?"
Conky buzzed and whistled, beeped and booped. He spat out a tickertape response which fluttered to the ground beside Peewee's head, which was resting on the remains of Magic Screen.
"Today's secret word is.....ALIBI! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" Conky screamed whilst flailing his hook hands.
And then they had sex.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-10-15 18:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i cant believe i forgot to rate this
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-11 17:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-11 08:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-10 12:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-10 11:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely B@W material
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-10 11:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-10 11:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-10 01:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116061
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+2 to offset my wee stalker far below.
Call me, Willie! Better yet, hide out in my bushes again; I left cookies this time! (You best hope those are chocolate chips)
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-04-10 10:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost didn't read this.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-04-10 09:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Rob, I really wanted to use it. I know how awesome you are. :(
EI - I only seem to write in collaboration these days. Maybe one day I can come up with something on my own again.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-10 08:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was brilliant!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-10 04:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Smiler
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-10 03:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont understand why you dont write more.
Im gonna kick your ass.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-10 03:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-10 02:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-04-10 02:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Brilliant
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-04-10 02:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-10 01:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116061
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
needs more rob berg
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
needs more rob berg
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Curious why you are rating this negatively Willie - just to be a dick or was there something relevant?
I thought this was awesome.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
: (
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nimrob was busy having arguments on another post and completely fucked this one up with his absence
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Susie... what is your email?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOO.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?
I sent it to Icarus like an hour and a half ago!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
outstanding!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-10 00:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to make a "derka" reference, but I'm too enthused by the whole story.