Hand Jobs (996 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.6 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-04-10 17:35:44 EDT
Two weeks and still nothing. If it went on much longer, he would probably go back to selling his sperm at the clinic. It's not that he needed the money, far from it. It was inspiration that he lacked.
When he used to go to the clinic to make a deposit, he often enjoyed talking, laughing, and joking with the others in the waiting room. These were creative people. Who else would think to make a living masturbating? The more time he spent with them the more creative he became. It was like he absorbed their abilities like a sponge. In this case, it was good to be a sponge at a sperm clinic.
He always felt more imaginative after spending some time with them and their secret world of inside jokes like exaggerating their waves to each other when they showed up and left. The called themselves "one arm bandits" citing that money was always just one more pull away. It wasn't their humor that inspired him as it was their ability to detach from reality. They didn't care about where the sperm went, who got it, what it was used for, or how many children they had fathered. None of that mattered. It was far more interesting to dream up their own reality. They created something out of nothing. They impressed even God.
He on the other hand had deadlines. He was controlled by others. Mountains of half filled legal pads with half completed stories, were stacked like some beatnik artist's pop art piece protesting the destruction of rain forests in the name of commerce. He thought momentarily that perhaps there was a short story hidden in that thought but it had disappeared never to return. It was a true tragedy in every sense of the literary tradition.
Every tablet in every stack contained a story without an ending. Sex with no orgasm. Unfulfilling. Empty. He didn't start a new story on an old tablet out of fear that an ending would suddenly come to him and be lost forever after being scribbled down elsewhere. This wasn't a writer's studio. This was an abortion clinic for unplanned and unwanted stories.
If he didn't produce something completed soon, his agent would be aborting him from his contract and he would be forced to earn a living the hard way with a magazine, plastic cup, and some elbow grease. Well, maybe not the elbow, but you know what I'm getting at.
Night came. Morning came. To the sperm clinic he came. A lot of other people came too. That's the nature of the business.
He was greeted with smiles and handshakes firmer than that of any arm wrestler. No one ever offered a hand to shake after cranking out a fistful of dollars. After all, these guys were gentlemen and there were some things you just don't do. It was a job so simple that the more of a mess you make the better you are. Why risk screwing that up?
Three seats away, two of the regulars were telling jokes. One guy started "two guys walk into a sperm clinic..." but that was all he could remember. The silence was broken by another man sitting across the room as he blurted something out that was met with laughter from everyone in the room. Then another person offered another punch line met with another round of laughs. Like the slow clap, feel good moment in the cheesy teenage love drama produced by MTV and passed off as a "movie", punch line after punch line shot out from all over the waiting room. Some were funny. Some were gross. Some were ridiculous. Some made no sense. But all were satisfying and entertaining to the person who had created it. This was the king of event that would be passed from person to person and generation to generation destined to become a part of urban legend and popular culture. Something that sounds too crazy to have actually happened so no one believes it. But we all know it happened.
Each person who offered a different punch line had given birth to his own creation. Regardless of what the other brand new fathers had given birth to, his own was the most special, the best and brightest, because it was the fruit of his labors. A part of him will live forever because of that joke.
These were creative people, and they had inadvertently solved his problem without even knowing about it. When his name was called, he deferred the option of visual aids. He wanted to use his newly re-energized imagination to test fire the idea inspired by these masturbating muses.
If their idea was true, the option to not use visual aids would result in him having in a more fulfilling experience by employing his own imagination. Why allow his thoughts to be totally dictated by images and ideas originating totally from outside of himself? Why should he settle for someone else's thoughts and commands like he had for so long? Wouldn't he have a greater sense of pride, a more meaningful experience if he was more responsible for the outcome?
The answer to that quarry was a used up, worn out, and depleted "yes".
He immediately shot out a call to his agent and explained his idea. The incomplete, aborted stories would be marketed similar to Mad Libs. Each story would be purposely incomplete inviting the reader to form his or her own ending thus resulting in a deeper, more personal experience. He told the agent that the outcome of each story was in the "palm of the reader's hand", but he neglected to explain the real meaning of those words not out of fear but to protect the urban legend that had been born an hour earlier.. After a long pause the agent said,
User Reviews
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-04-12 05:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sacrilicious will need Bridesmaides. This basically means you follow behind her and collect tears in a n itallian crystal slipper.
Punishment for missing one is death.
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-04-12 02:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-11 17:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-04-11 17:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2008-04-11 14:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story....
Submitted by MrsKitty (user info) at 2008-04-11 09:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay! Handjobs!
This made me smile.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-11 09:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-11 06:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked....
....a little bit.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-11 05:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I couldn't even get to the end of it
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-11 05:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-11 01:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
he answer to that quarry was a used up, worn out, and depleted "yes".
==================
No. Fucking no.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-04-11 00:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-04-10 23:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the agent said genius.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-10 21:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-10 18:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoever has this alter now: keep it.
If not an alter: maintain this medication level.
Good stuff here.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2008-04-10 20:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chuckle, snort
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-10 19:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-04-10 19:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-04-10 19:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
muahahahaha
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-10 18:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoever has this alter now: keep it.
If not an alter: maintain this medication level.
Good stuff here.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-04-10 18:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-04-10 18:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-10 17:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hope something develops out of this.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-04-10 17:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was... hmmm. It didn't have the pay off I was expecting and I can't tell if that's good or bad yet. I think it is worthy of the +2 though.