The Chronicles of Foster Foskin’s Adventures in Thailand #1 (407 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.5 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Foster Foskin (View user info) at 2008-04-12 09:53:07 EDT
Author's note: This is the first in a 20 part series about an Australian Ocker's (redneck) adventures in Thailand. It's written in Strine (Australian English). If you need help understanding the language there are links at the bottom of the story to Strine dictionaries. If you like this first story I will continue to post one a day.
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Strewth mate! These bloody pommies are a bit of a pain in the old Saturn and Mars, aren't they? There I was sittin' in me favourite watering 'ole when I see this geezer I'd met at our hotel struttin' down the road like bloody Lord Mucky Muck of 'Earn Bay. I waves 'im over and offers 'im a bloody Fosters, but instead 'e asks me where 'e can get some bloody breakfast! Now, considering the sun was well past the yard arm by then, yer'd 'ave ter forgive me fer thinking the pommy bastard is as screwy as a two-bob watch.
When I pointed out it was nine at night he drew 'imself up all haughty-like, huffed and puffed a bit, and asked where 'e could buy some victuals. Bloody 'ell! Me and me mates almost bust a gut laughing at the poor bugger's language.
"Victuals?" I asked 'im. "What the bloody 'ell is victuals mate?"
"Victuals, you blathering colonial, means a satisfying repast." I looked at 'im all blank until 'e said. "Something to eat. Do you understand now?"
"Ah, well in that case, me ol' toffee, I know just where you should go. Yous'll find plenty of tasty dishes up at a place called the Eden Club on soi 7/1. Just walk in the soi and you'll find it easy. There's lots of girls sittin' out the front ter show yer the way."
Well, 'e turned around after thanking me in 'is toffee-voice and marched up the road. I dunno. He looked to me like he had a bit of a broom stuck up 'is Saturn and Mars, but maybe it was just the hot food affecting him. But 'e did walk funny.
Laugh? We nearly pissed ourselves. Jeez, I wouldn't 'ave minded bein' a bloody fly on the wall when 'e got to the Eden!
But I 'ad me own troubles. Bluey, me wheat farmer mate from Narrogin in WA, was in a bit of bother. We'd been up at that place on soi 4, you know, the one with high-rise bars all around it. Mind you, the bars might be high-rise, but the activities within are a bit on the low side. But that's 'ow me and Bluey likes it. It's a beaut place for a night out on the piss, but ya gotta be careful. Me and me mate Bluey wasn't.
It all started when we staggered up the steps to the second floor. Jeez, there's a lot of beaut shielas up there mate, let me tell ya. We were doin' pretty good. We didn't want to overdo it, so instead of trying out each bar, we decided to try every second one, starting from the first one on the left. Mateys, that's a game ya don't want to play up there, let me tell ya.
Bloody shielas were feedin' us drinks all the time. By the time we got to the last bar on the left we were four sheets to the wind and not feelin' any pain. Yeah, you bet!
So we rolls up to the door and we're accosted by these stunnin' lookin' shielas sittin' outside. Well, one of them cottons onto Bluey straight away. Just grabs 'is crotch and won't let go. Now Bluey is not the type of guy to say no to a pretty shiela, so we stumbled into the bar accompanied by what seemed like the whole bloody complement.
It was pretty dark in there, but we managed to find the bar, helped by a few suggestive pats on the behind from our new friends. Bluey looks around and says to me, "Strewth Fos. Yer couldn't stack too many hay bales in 'ere, could ya?"
Well, I 'ad to agree with him. We couldn't see the rest of the bar, seein' as 'ow we were hemmed in by hot bodies on every side. Their bloody 'ands were all over the place. We'd just started suckin' down a coldie when all of a sudden Bluey lets out a blood-curdlin' yell, stands up and starts laying into the shielas.
I couldn't figure out what was goin' on at first. I mean, there we was 'aving a good time, and then 'e goes bloody berserk!
"She's got bloody balls and a dong bigger than mine." he was yelling.
Eh, wot? I thought 'e was getting' a bit far gone and 'e was mixin' up 'is agenders.
But 'e kept on yelling it out and pushin' the shielas away. Now, I've never seen Bluey push away even a good lookin' ewe, especially if it 'ad them limpid eyes and long lashes some o' them WA sheep 'ave. So it come as a bit of a surprise to see 'im so agitated. Now there's a good word our old mate Johnny Earnshaw would use; 'agitated'. Can't yer just see 'im standin' there saying in 'is plummy voice, "I say my good chap. I'm feeling a bit agitated raight naow, you know.". I bet that would go over well at the Eden.
But I digress.
By now, the crowd around Bluey was thickening, and so were their voices. It was all a bit bloody strange. When we first walked into the bar we were surrounded by all these beautiful shielas, and now they had turned into big blokes with deep voices. A fella like me doesn't get me feathers ruffled easily. But Bluey wasn't takin' it sitting down. No, 'e wasn't takin' it at all!
That seemed to be the trouble. Turns out these bloody 'shielas' are actually blokes in ladies dresses! I only learned this when Bluey tore the dress off one and I was confronted with a dangling bunch of googlies.
Crikey! Ya don't see a sight like that down in Wooloomooloo every day, except on Gay Pride Mardi Gras day of course, and that don't count. I mean, 'ave ya ever seen any of them Aussie pooftas? They have got to be the ugliest looking buggers ya ever saw! No wonder they put on them shielas clothes. No bloody woman in 'er right mind would want one of 'em. I calls 'em 'Shims', on account of they are a bit 'she' and a bit 'him'.
Compared to them Aussie Shims, these Thais were positively beautiful. Jeez, if I had any leanings that way I might even 'ave been a bit interested. Ya gotta wonder. If they dress up that good they must be bloody amazing in the sack. And bein' men underneath it all, they would probably know 'ow to please a man better than any shiela too.
But there I was wool gatherin', and things were getting' a bit 'eavy for deep thoughts like that.
Bluey had started by out pushing a couple o' the bigger shims around a bit. Nothing, 'eavy, ya know. Just a sub-tul shove in the chest to tell 'em to back orf. But these blokes weren't 'avin' any 'o that. They shoved back. That's when things started 'eating up.
Now, back where I come from in Dubbo, if ya shove a guy in the chest, even if it is an inflatable, yer tellin' 'im to back orf or put 'em up.
I was pushin' me way through the heavin' throng ter try and settle things down a bit when I hear Bluey yell out, "Watch it Fos! One of 'em 'as a knife!"
Well, wot these shims didn't know was that Bluey and me, we were in the Aussie equivalent of the British Commandos. We're so tough our CO used ter march us buck naked up in the Snowy Mountains at the height of a blizzard for a physical inspection. Which reminds me of one night. There we were, the whole platoon all standing at attention knee-deep in snow. The CO stopped in front of the digger standing beside me and whacked 'im across 'is bare chest with 'is swagger stick.
"Did that hurt soldier?" the CO asked.
"No Sir!"
"Why not?"
"I'm a bloody commando sir!"
Next, the CO walks up ta me and looks me up and down. Now, considerin' the fact that I can't feel anything in the freezing bloody cold, I'm just as surprised as the CO is to see a raging boner down there. Of course, the CO whacks it with 'is swagger stick and asks, "Did that hurt soldier?"
"No Sir!" I replied, keepin' a stiff upper lip, and apparently keepin' something else stiff as well.
"Why not?" he asks.
Then it dawned on me. "Because it belongs to the bloke behind me sir!"
Anyway, back to our fight with the shims. Things are gettin' a bit 'ot with the appearance of a knife into the melee, so I yelled out to Bluey, "Mate, give 'im the old 1-2 and I'll 'andle the rest of 'em from 'ere."
So Bluey goes into commando mode, knocks the knife out of the dick 'eads hand and proceeds to stitch up not only the knife wielder, but 'is mates too.
It turns into a right old barney, with me and Bluey getting the upper 'and after about 3 minutes. These bloody Shims are kickin', and scratchin', and screamin' and then all I hear is a series of grunts as they start 'ittin' the floor. Finally, all the bloody geezers in dresses are stretched out from the bar to the balcony outside. The only one left standing is the little cashier bird be'ind the bar who is staring at us round-eyed, bloody 'ard for an Asian to achieve, ya know? She turns to me and says, "What room numbah you? I go visit you when I get off work! You velly stlong man. I like!"
Well, by then I must admit I was feelin' a bit perky. Fightin' does that to a man. After dishin' out a good bollickin' the only thing left to do is to either 'ave a beer, or 'ave a woman. Now, I'm not greedy, so I says to 'er, "Come on darlin'. It don't look like yer gonna 'ave much more business 'ere tonight. Grab a few beers, jump over the bar and we're orf!"
So we get outside and Bluey is kneelin' down beside the bozo who 'ad pulled out a knife, goin' through 'is pockets.
"Come on mate! Let's get out of 'ere before the bloody cops come."
He said, "You go ahead. One of these pricks got me wallet. I'll see ya back at the 'otel if I miss ya downstairs."
I looked at the shiela beside me, checking to make sure she was the real deal. Yep, no worries mate. She was a she, even if she spoke like bloody Borat. I figured Bluey would be ok and I was definitely feeling me oats. Bluey could 'andle any trouble that came 'is way. So me and the shiela head down the stairs at the back of the complex and out through all the beer bars on the ground floor. We crossed the road and headed for me 'otel room for some good ol' carnal knowledge.
I dunno if I got much knowledge, but I did get some real good carnal.
Now, after a bit o' fun in the sack I like to relax with a tinnie and a smoke. As I'd already drunk the room fridge dry I hauled me shiela down the road to me favourite bar and proceeded to stock up again. That's when the shit 'it the fan, so ta speak.
Bluey turned up lookin' a bit the worse for wear. 'E told me the cops 'ad come just as 'e was about to make 'is getaway and asked 'im why all the 'katoeys' were laid out on the floor. Bluey told me 'e didn't really understand the nature of the question, so 'e just looked blank at 'em. They asked 'im again and he asked, "Wot's a 'katoey'?" Well, I don't blame 'im. I didn't 'ave a clue wot one was either. But it turns out a 'katoey' is Thai for one them trans-gender shims.
Well, Bluey denied any knowledge of what 'ad 'appened. "I was at the bar next door when it 'appened. I'm just an innocent bystander." Smart boy me old mate is. But the cops told him no one is innocent in Thailand, and they insisted 'e go to the cop shop with them and make a statement.
Turns out, Bluey 'as to turn up in court in a coupla days to testify against the katoeys. Now, 'eres the problem. We've booked a taxi to Pattaya fer tomorrer. Do we stay 'ere fer the court case, or do we hightail it and get away from the whole mess?
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Foster and Bluey meet an old Rock 'n' Roll mate from back home, and they answer the question. Come on back for the continuing adventures of Foster Foskin
(c) Copyright 2007 by the author.
Struggling with the Australian slang? We call it Strine. Go here to find out what it all means:
http://www.koalanet.com.au/australian-slang.html
or
http://www.aussieslang.com/slang/australian-slang-a.asp
User Reviews
Submitted by FosterFoskin (user info) at 2008-04-13 02:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crikey Phallic_Cymbals, I was tryin' ter show a bit of bloody decorum ya know mate. No need ter get too bloody anal like youse did. Mind you mate, I'm sittin' here in bloody Bangers in 102 degree heat (it's Songkran water festival time) I must have been talkin' to too many bloody Pommies. But Chapter 2 gets better as I get into me stride, so ter speak.
And yes, we do say Crikey and Strewth mate. Just ask Steve Irwin!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-04-12 21:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Strewth mate! These bloody pommies are a bit of a pain in the old Saturn and Mars, aren't they? There I was sittin' in me favourite watering 'ole when I see this geezer I'd met at our hotel struttin' down the road like bloody Lord Mucky Muck of 'Earn Bay. I waves 'im over and offers 'im a bloody Fosters, but instead 'e asks me where 'e can get some bloody breakfast! Now, considering the sun was well past the yard arm by then, yer'd 'ave ter forgive me fer thinking the pommy bastard is as screwy as a two-bob watch. "
Let me translate this into ACTUAL Australian and see if a few more people understad:
"Shit mate! These bloody poms are a bit of a pain in the arse, aren't they? I was down the pub when I saw this cunt I'd met at the hotel chargin' down the street like a fuckin' mad cunt. I asked him over for a beer but he was crankin for some brekky! Considering it was already the arvo, you'd forgive me for thinking he was a bit of a fuckin' fruit loop."
I didn't read past there because we don't speak like a cockney constable mixed with a 1950's comic book bushranger.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-12 14:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-04-12 13:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Could do with just a bit less slang.
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Errrr...... His intro explained all that. It's part of the ambiance.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-04-12 13:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Could do with just a bit less slang.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-12 12:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Do people in Oz really say "crikey?" I can't believe that.
Oh, by the way, Fosters is liquid shit.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-12 10:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what the fuck is this?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-12 10:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
jesus christ that was lame.
im cringing in embarrassment FOR you and I'm not even an Aussie. (Thank god).
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2008-04-12 10:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
didnt get very far... to difficult to follow an' like bloody 'ell am i gonna look up anything just to read one of your stories