Did I Steal Your Lip Gloss in Columbus, Ohio Last Summer? (606 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -0.35 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-04-12 15:15:26 EDT
One night after an evening of drinking in Columbus, Ohio I walked hand in hand with a large chested, promiscuous blonde. Although her name escapes me, I do remember that she had honey flavored lip gloss that kept reapplying because she wanted me to taste it. And we laugh at dogs for sniffing each other's ass.
Fortunately I was in town for a conference and would not have to see her after I left the next day. Something about the wedding ring on her finger did not sit well with me for some reason but my penis reassured me it was of no concern. The considerable amount of Jim Beam in my system seconded the motion and I was outvoted 2 to 1. God bless democracy.
We walked down the street in what could definitely not be described as a straight line. She said something about going to a park. It's not that I love going to parks in the middle of capital city at 3 am, but what the hell else was there to do? After staggering a few blocks I looked up and immediately thought that someone either spiked my drink or her lip gloss because I was looking at a giant ship docked in an equally giant body of water. No pilgrims. No pirates. Lots of homeless. Lots of drunks. This was becoming more interesting with each awkward inebriated step.
She explained was it was but my attention was focused on the others who were gathering there. There were several couples swaying much like we were. It was a George Romero zombie convention if all the zombies were shit faced. Apparently, this was some urban version of "lover's lane" for drunken bar relationships. There was a path that circled around the water going up and down hills, twisting and turning, going across bridges, and flanked every so often by sprinklers. By drunks, for drunks. Oh the beauty of it all.
We staggered around every so often and stopped to play in the sprinklers whenever one came across. At one point, our genitals told us to just lay down beneath an area covered by the path of a sprinkler. My penis made a joke as he asked if she was wet. She laughed. We fucked. How's that for foreplay?
While she road on top of me, I looked around occasionally to see if there was a crowd gathering to watch the event. What I saw was a homeless guy passed out 25 feet away. She noticed that I saw the vagrant. Without missing a beat or altering her rhythm, she told me they were mostly harmless and wouldn't bother anyone. How romantic.
After finishing we laid beneath the cooling water of the sprinkler until it went from sexy to silly. We got up and wandered off to my hotel. She came for a little bit and dried off with a towel. She said that her husband would wonder if she came home all soak and wet. I bet he's a smart guy.
She gave me a kiss after drying off and with the light in my room I could tell that she wasn't as pretty as she once was when I was more intoxicated. I found comfort in knowing that the same was probably being thought by her about me. Neither one of us wanted to wake up in the morning and hear "oh shit what did I do last night". When it comes out as a statement instead of a question, it doesn't get much worse.
A few hours later I woke up soaked and slightly hung over. In the shower, I laughed as I looked down on the floor and saw a few blades of grass. I checked the pockets of my wet clothes and found honey flavored lip gloss, half a pack of cigarettes and $45 dollars. None of those items were mine but the pants were. Apparently I am a pick pocket when I am drunk and having sex under a sprinkler.
I would love to say this is fictional and did not happen. There are many people who will read this and say that this is fictional and did not happen. I know that it did and I can't wait until I go to Columbus, Ohio for my next conference. Besides, I need to give that girl her lip gloss back.
User Reviews
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-14 00:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Here's a tip: before posting, read what you have written.
if(post)=Uber Quality then: (submit)
else: -2 DIE
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-04-13 22:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would've enjoyed this more if you:
-Took out everything between "Did i steal..." and "...lip gloss back"
-Printed out 200 copies of it on toxic paper
-Force fed yourself said paper
-Died to fucking death.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-13 22:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dear Uber,
I had sex once. Honest. With a girl even.
Love,
Alter1524
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-04-13 21:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
your username sucks
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-13 14:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one pales in comparison to it's imitation (or because of it)
Still, not bad.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-04-13 13:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
review #1-Man it would have been very funny if you would've gotten bitten by one of those zombies and then had to go home all zombiefied to explain to your wife what you were doing out with zombies about while you were away on a conference.
review #2-Man it would have been very funny if you would've gotten bitten by herpes and then had to go home all herpefied and had to explain to your wife what you were doing out with herpes while you were away on a conference.
review #3-Man it would have been very funny if you would've gotten your dick exploded for cheating on your wife and then had to go home all dick explodedy and had to explain to your wife what you were doing out with dick explodedy while you were away on a conference.
review #4-Man, it's not funny to cheat on your wife. I mean why the hell did you marry her if you don't want to be faithfull. (pause for scumbag laughter) I hope she fucks your dad or your mom or your brother or sister and films it and puts it on youtube.
review #5-Man, I'm sorry about review #4.
review #6-Man.
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-04-13 13:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-04-12 15:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stay the fuck out of my state.
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I agree Stay the FUCK out of my state
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-13 12:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-04-12 17:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ugh. It's like Electro meets Leisure Suit Larry.
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Speaks AJ, who is Leisure Suit Larry himself.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-04-13 02:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-04-12 17:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ugh. It's like Electro meets Leisure Suit Larry.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-12 16:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-12 15:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Last pargraph is absolutely horrible
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I agree, but go on to further say all preceding paragraphs were equally horrible. You and Darko both need spelling lessons.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-12 16:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Learn the one post per day rule.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-12 15:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
didn't need the last sentance
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-12 15:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Last pargraph is absolutely horrible
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-04-12 15:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stay the fuck out of my state.