The Chronicles of Foster Foskin's Adventures in Thailand 2 (745 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -0.55 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Foster Foskin (View user info) at 2008-04-13 02:46:56 EDT
The hotel room door crashed open. I must of forgotten to lock it. A godawful apparition leaped into the room. Crikey! I'd never seen anythin' like it. The ugliest lookin' bloody katoey I'd ever seen grinned through black teeth at me. I dunno what 'ed been eatin' but it obviously wasn't me ol' Mum's Crest toothpaste. 'E was wearin' a purple curly wig, a sequined red dress, and 'e was carryin' a bloody great butcher's cleaver. I didn't like the look of that at all, let me tell ya.
"I come kill you!" it shouted. "You break my bar, make all my staff go jail. Now you pay!"
Well, it was pretty clear this guy was pissed orf at me. As 'e started movin' towards me, Bluey appeared be'ind 'im from the bar where 'ed been gettin' a coupla tinnies out of the bar. I backed up so as to lure the creepy crawley into the room a bit further and give Bluey some room. Bluey slugged 'im 'ard with our last bottle of fourex. What a waste of a good beer. But better a XXXX lost than a cleaver through me 'ead.
The katoey slid to the floor, and I jumped over, grabbed 'is hands and quickly tied 'em be'ind 'is back with the bedside lamp chord. I wasn't takin' no chances with this bloke.
By the way, do ya know why Queenslanders called their beer XXXX? Coz they couldn't spell beer.
It was still early morning. Well, it was early for us, anyways. We'd been up for the last hour discussin' what we oughta do. We still 'adn't made up our minds whether to cut and run for Pattaya, or stick around and see if we couldn't convince the ol' judge to sling all them katoeys from the bar into jail. I was leaning heavily towards just takin' off, but Bluey bein' a law abidin' citizen when 'e wasn't bustin' up pubs thought we should do the right thing and testify.
This queer lookin' bastard made up our minds pretty quick like. I 'eard a groan. The ugly katoey was stirrin'. I leaned down near 'is ear. "Are you the owner of the bar that got busted last night?"
"Ya. I ask police where you stay. Now I pay police. All my staff get out of jail. You in big trouble."
I looked down at 'im and says, "Mate, it looks like you're a bit tied up and in trouble yerself right now, if yer don't mind me sayin' so."
"Bluey, wot do yer reckon? Do yer still want to do the right thing? Just say Yes or No."
I knew if I didn't tell Bluey ter keep 'is mouth shut 'ed probably blab where we were planning to take orf ta.
"No. I reckon that settles it Fos. Let's grab our bags and get out of 'ere."
I lifted the shim up and sat 'im in a chair. Then I grabbed a sheet from the bed and wrapped that bugger up solid. 'E wouldn't be movin' at all until someone come to get 'im.
Luckily, we 'adn't unpacked much, so we shoved everything into our bags, locked the door be'ind us, and went down to reception.
"We're checkin' out now luvvy." I told the receptionist. "How much to fill up the fridge with everythin' again?"
She said, "You eat and drink all?"
I said, "Yeah love. We 'ave big appetites. No need to send the room maid ta check. I'll just pay for the lot now."
After we settled the bill, Bluey and I 'urried out of the 'otel. We didn't want to be there when the room maid finally found our unwanted guest.
We hopped in a taxi and told 'im to drive us down to Sukhumvit soi 33. That was the only place I could remember. It seemed like a good place to go. It was just far enough away from soi 4 so that the katoey wouldn't be able to figure out where we were.
We found a small bar servin' beer and sat down to decide our next move. "Strewth, Bluey, 'ow are we goin' to get down to Pattaya?"
Just then, an Australian voice pipes up from the next table. "Are youse fellas headin' down to Pattaya?"
"Yeah." I said.
"That's great. I'm lookin' for someone to share a taxi down there. Would ya like to come with me?"
"Me names Foster Foskin, and this 'ere's me mate Bluey." I said as I thrust out me 'and.
"G'day. I'm Roland Storm. That's an interesting name you 'ave there Mr Forskin."
"Nah. It's Foskin, F-O-S-K-I-N, ok mate?" This was a regular occurrence, so I'd taken the time to learn 'ow to spell me name right.
I looked at 'im a bit closer. About six foot two, shaggy blond hair, big grin. Roland Storm. Yeah, I'd 'eard that name somewhere before. Then it 'it me. 'E was an old Rock'n'Roller from way back. "Didn't youse used ta play piano with Johnny O'Keefe back in the 60's?"
"Yep, that's me. But these days I travel around doin' old time Rock'n'Roll cabaret shows. I've come over 'ere for a holiday this time, though, to meet an old mate of mine. E's down in Pattaya now."
"Ok, me old chum, 'ow do we grab a cab?" I asked.
Roland pointed to a new orange taxi waiting outside. I paid the bill for his beers and ours, and dropped our bags into the back of the taxi. Then we were off weavin' through the traffic, zippin' down a beaut new highway past the airport where we'd landed, and then we started flyin'. Our taxi driver apparently only knew two speeds; stopped and flat out.
Less than two hours later we were drivin' up a road with the beach on one side and beer bars all the way along on the left. Cripes! Talk about goin' to heaven.
Roland took us to 'is hotel and we all checked in there. Bluey and me 'ad adjoining suites. We always like to get a suite when we go on 'oliday, if we can, so that there's plenty of room to party.
Then we all headed out to grab somethin' to eat. Roland told us 'is mate was going to be busy until night time, so 'e took us to a restaurant with a seaview where we tucked into some of the best seafood I've eaten in a long time. After that, Roland said 'ed show us the ropes and introduce us to some of the pleasures to be found in Pattaya. Well, that was ok with us. We trooped across the road first and started strollin' up the path beside the beach.
Cripes! There was heaps of friendly girls sittin' on the seats along the way. Of course, I quickly twigged that they all needed glasses, coz they kept on callin' us 'andsome man. But hey! Ya don't look at the mantle piece when yer poking the fire do yer? So I wasn't too worried that they were all a bit short-sighted.
Bluey saw one tasty specimen lolling casually beside a coconut tree. I 'ad to admit, she looked good with that long straight 'air, creamy skin, and a body ta die for. But when we went up to talk to 'er out came this deep voice. Oh shit! Not again. Another bloody shim. We just can't get away from them. I grabbed Bluey before 'e could get us into any more trouble and we got away asap.
By now, I was feelin' the effects of the drinks from last night and all the excitement this mornin'. I needed a place to sit down, relax and enjoy a beer. "Hey Roland, where do ya go durin' the day for a quiet drink?"
Roland gave me a sly grin and said "Follow me boys. I know just the place. It's just across the road and up soi 6 there. They got comfortable lounge chairs, great music and lots o' girls to look after ya."
That sounded like just the ticket ta me. We walked up to a bar called Red Point. Strewth! There was birds lined up outside all over the place. Pity they were a bit short-sighted too. But a tall beauty with a big rack grabbed 'old of me and dragged me in the door. The bar was dark with subdued lighting and some seriously good music playin'. Me shiela took me to a couch and we sat down. Well, let me rephrase that. I sat down. She draped 'erself all over me. Crikey! This was definitely lookin' interestin'.
Me mates sat on the other couches around our small coffee table, and magically three icy cold beers appeared in front of us. "You want condom on yours?" mine asked.
"What? I only just got 'ere love. Give us a chance to 'ave a beer and get ter know yer a bit first, ok?"
"No, no. I mean, you want condom on you beer?"
Ah! I was a bit slow there, wasn't I? "Yeah. I'll 'ave a stubby cooler if ya don't mind."
It wasn't long before we were getting' very cozy together. I looked over at me mates and they were bein' mauled just like I was. I tell ya. You don't get value for a beer like that back 'ome.
Me shiela was getting' very personal with me and it wasn't long before the ol' trouser snake was up and lookin' around fer some action. "Ooh! You big handsome man." Me shiela said as she teased ol' Percy. "You want go upstairs with me?"
"Er. What's up there love?"
"Oh, we go boom boom. I give you private show. You like velly much."
Now that sounded like fun. I wasn't sure if it was a good time to let off fireworks in the mid afternoon, but she seemed eager, and I've always enjoyed the ol' firerockets and sparklers. Must be the kid in me still. "'Ow do we get upstairs?"
"You go through those red curtains wait for me. I take care you bill."
Well, that was very generous of her, but I couldn't let her pay. "How much for the three beers?"
"Oh you pay beer and bar fine, 450 Baht. Ok?"
"Why do I 'ave to pay the bar a fine? Did I break any rules in 'ere? Maybe I'm not allowed to crack a fat or somethin'?"
She giggled and took the 500 Baht I was 'oldin' in me 'and and then scampered off. I shrugged. I'd sort it out with 'er later on I guess. I told me mates I was goin' upstairs. "I won't be long. I'm just goin' upstairs to let off some firecrackers. She's promised me a private show. Sounds like it'll be a damn good one."
I couldn't figure out why Roland started laughin' but 'e said 'e didn't want to spoil the surprise for me. That was alright with me. I'm partial to a good surprise, and if I was going ta share it with a beautiful shiela, well why not?
I went be'ind the red curtain and stopped. There were toilets on me right, and a room full of shielas eatin' Thai food on me left. I wasn't sure what was goin' on 'ere, but me shiela soon turned up, opened a door at the back and led me upstairs.
Now, I'm not goin' ta tell ya what 'appened up there. Let's just say that the private show wasn't the ol' Guy Falks I was expectin'. But I 'ave ta tell you, it was a heck of a lot more fun than a human bein' is allowed to 'ave.
By the time we got downstairs again I was feelin' real good. I looked around in the gloom, but me mates 'ad vanished!
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Next, Foster finds a new love...well, for a little while anyway....
© Written in 2006. All rights reserved by the author
User Reviews
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2008-04-14 12:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Didn't enjoy this one.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-14 07:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hopefully this will be the last of such chronicling.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-13 17:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just pick up the red phone and speak in a normal tone, dr
jesus
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-04-13 17:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRT!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-13 17:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is better than black scabbity tang
or toon
or whatever the fuck that shite was
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-04-13 16:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No.
Please fuck off.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-13 16:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AND i left you a +2!!!!
i fear the damage is irreparable.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-13 16:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my intellect was battered with such ferocity that after reading the first line i had already crapped in my pants and by the end of the first paragraph i'd already found a spoon and was happily masticating on said crap.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-13 15:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it... the first one was pert near illegible.
+2 moxy.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-04-13 13:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The first part was bad enough, did you really need to give us a 2nd?
Let alone a reposted work from 2006.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-13 13:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
please.
desist.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-13 05:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
CRIKEY!! this is awful