The True Ubersite Story of Super Mario Brothers (637 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.11 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-04-13 23:33:57 EDT
An outsider looking in on the kingdom of Mushroom Land saw a nation, that much like Candy Mountain, was filled with joy and joyness. Princess Toadstool, the reigning monarch of the wondrous land was adored and respected by her subjects. Little did the rest of the world know that the Princess had mob ties and total control over the media outlets. We saw what she wanted us to see. The media was instructed to spin the great Koopa Riot and did so perfectly out of fear of being sent to World 6-1.
This is the True Ubersite Story of Super Mario Brothers.
Mushroom land's thriving economy was actually fueled slave labor sweat shops in where Princess Toadstool expected her workers to be able to exist working long hard hours filling orders for Nike at wages so meager that those who wished for a better life could do only that, wish. Think of it as Walmart but worse. The Koopas, portrayed by the state controlled media as inferior children unable to think or act for themselves unless it involved violence, were a docile people. All they wanted was to be treated like everyone else. They wanted equality. Their deplorable working conditions were matched by the horrific camps they were forced to live in. Disease, starvation, and nightly raids from the secret police kept them weak and unable to mount any resistance. But that all changed when a young Koopa named Bowser had finally grown tired of the mistreatment.
While assigned to the sanitation department of Mushroom land, Bowser was exploited relentlessly. His size and strength was seen as an tremendous asset to his overseers. Rather than having to pay for equipment maintenance and fuel, he worked manually moving all rubbish and waste from worksites and industries. He would have given up but he knew all too well what that would result in. Another denizen of Mushroom land of size and strength named Donkey Kong had been discovered dead. Being an inferior citizen, no autopsy was completed. None was needed. It was rumored that Princess Toadstool herself had become growing concerned about him and the influence he had over others in his position. Rumors circulated that his head was crushed from repeated blows to the head from large plumbers wrenches. It was no secret that Kong was not happy with the conditions of his existence in Mushroom land and it was also no secret that the princess had secret meeting with a pair of Italians brothers who were contract killers. They had been rumored to have a penchant for doing hits with heavy tools and they were big spenders. Mario and Luigi always had plenty of coins on them.
Bowser was careful to do a good job, but not too good of a job where he would get noticed. Slowly overtime his supervisors became lax and he would pocket small pieces of metal, grains of gun powder, and hammers that could easily be thrown be someone of his size and strength. These seemingly innocent items would not be missed and eventually would play a major role in the great Koopa Revolt.
After curfew, the Koopas began to meet secretly. They looked for any chance they could to gather and speak in hushed tones of freedom. Rumors began to reach the palace about these meetings but were ignored and laughed off by officials because the Koopas were looked down upon terribly. Soon, the tyrannical reign of Princess Toadstool would find that the Koopas, much like Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back, were full of surprises.
Bowser and the Koopas had secretly amassed a large cache of weapons and waited for the right time to strike. The 5 Families had called a major meeting in Brooklyn. Mario and Luigi, being the heads of the Mario Crime Family, attended. Without her mob ties present, the Koopas had a golden opportunity to put an end to the tyranny that had held them down for so long. Revolution was in the air.
The warm, silent night air at the palace was suddenly screaming as Bullet Bills were launched at the royal palace. The bombardment was the perfect distraction. The Koopas, led by Bowser had exploited a weakness in the infractstructure of the palace and entered through an exhaust port the size of a Wamp Rat. They moved with the quickness about the dawn came to find Princess Toadstool and her Royal Court imprisoned by the newly seated King Koopa, formerly known as Bowser. The Princess and her Court were separated from one another and held in isolated dungeons throughout Mushroom Land.
Things were going to change, and change for the better. There would be equality, justice, fair wages, universal health care, and state sponsored education for all. A new era of prosperity was promised.
Word of the revolution had reached Brooklyn. The Mario Brothers knew that if they did not return immediately they would lose their criminal empire and possibly their own lives. Although there were only two of them, they knew where to find special mushrooms which contained certain growth hormones which they could use to their advantage much like Barry Bonds had done when chasing the homerun record. The Koopas were unaware of the mushrooms due to the control exerted on the media by their tormentors. The Marios also had access to flowers which could allow them to firebomb their targets.
Mario and Luigi were merciless. They stomped Koopas like Edward Norton in American History X and fire bombed adversaries leaving piles of burnt bodies which each step they took towards the palaces. King Koopa defended him and his countrymen to the death hurling hammers and fired of his own but to no avail. King Koopa's last stand came in the very dungeon in which his father had been tortured and killed as he was the one who had made the wooded barrels used by Donkey Kong. He plummeted into a fiery abyss when the bridge we has standing on disappeared from beneath him. It was cut down by the Mario Crime Family leaders Mario and Luigi who proved to be too much for him as they were too amped up by the illegal growth hormones.
The Princess regained her thrown and by royal decree had all Koopas executed. Years later mass graves would be discovered when auto racing tracks were being created. Mario and Luigi, advanced in years and funding the newly created Mario Kart Racing Series, denied ever having a part of it and the Princess instructed media to spin the story. The cover up was continued, but those of us who knew the truth vowed that it would not be forgotten to history.
User Reviews
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-04-18 22:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the effort alone.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-04-14 15:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more rape.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-14 09:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Could have been good, but wasn't.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-04-14 08:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
16 posts in 14 days.
Chill the fuck out.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-04-14 07:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i really wanted to like this. i really did. it was a great idea for a story, but the problem is that you're a terrible writer. sorry.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-14 07:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Fine idea, poor delivery.
A real shame.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2008-04-14 04:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the idea, but it wasn't written very well.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-14 03:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you that nintendo bloke who used to post??
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-14 00:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for so graciously allowing me to parody your last post without complaint.