Tax tips to MAXIMIZE Your Refund (836 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.4 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sally Walker, Certified Public Accountant (View user info) at 2008-04-15 12:33:05 EDT
Well uber, it's April 15th, and if you have waited until now to file your tax return you're in luck; because I'm going to give you some excellent tips to save you from paying the unconstitutional burden known as "income tax", and giving away your hard-earned money to a bunch of beaurocratical blow hards who will just use it on a bunch of public works projects you would never want or need.
Save your receipts! I can't stress this enough. Everything you've ever bought ever is a deduction. For example, if I didn't have to go into work every day, I wouldn't bother with washing or grooming myself; I would just sit in a pool of my own filth and masturbate. Therefore soap, deodorant, toothpaste, and shampoo are all "work-related expenses" and therefore, all deductible. Deduct them! Deduct them now!
Save your receipts! God, I hope you saved your receipts. Beer is a deduction, so are cigarettes, coffee, and certain grain alcohols. (Malibu is NOT a deduction, because Malibu is for pussies, and pussies miss out on certain tax breaks.) Again, these help one deal with the doldrums of working for a living; the wages of which are being taxed; making everything related to coping with it a deduction. If you have a marijuana or coke dealer, make sure he carries a ledger book, and always get your masseuse or prostitute to give you some written proof of services rendered. Make sure to talk about your job every time you eat or buy anything, and always save your receipts!
Gambling losses. What a great deduction! Here's a little secret for you to maximize this baby: Off-Track Betting parlors. Just go to the trash can outside any of one of these and dig out every discarded parimutuel ticket you can find. Go to as many OTB's as you want, add up your findings, and stuff all those tickets in the same envelope with your W-2's.
Hold on there, single gal... what do you mean you don't have any dependents? Cats are dependents; so are goldfish. You feed them, right? They depend on you for survival, right? I mean, am I right? According to Webster that makes them a dependant, and that's what the IRS is asking you to tally. If you have an ant farm it may take you quite some time to count up every single dependent you have. Make sure you don't count the same dependent twice; the IRS does not look too kindly upon cheaters!
C'mon baby, don't fear the auditor; even most of you flabby pasty-skinned ubersite users could probably have your way in a rough-and-tumble with your average IRS auditor. Intimidation and physical threats work well if he questions anything about your return. just keep the pressure on. He'll cave. If the IRS says you owe them money, refuse to pay. If they threaten to garnish your wages, take a Marshall Mathers like stance and scream out "I don't give a FUCK!" Then quit your job and find something else where you don't have to report all your income. Ask my dear friend Ebola May if you need some leads on jobs that meet this criteria.
Come on baby, don't fear the auditor
Baby take my hand, don't fear the auditor
We'll be able to fly, don't fear the auditor
Baby I'm your maaaaaaan...
Laaaaa, La, Laa, la-la.
User Reviews
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-16 09:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guess who didn't read it?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-16 09:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking taxes
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-04-16 07:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
10k and some change owed this year....fucking receipts aren't going to help me.
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you think that's bad? i paid about 50k. a friend of mine paid about a quarter million.
just think about the shit you could do with that kind of money instead of giving it away. when i think about how every single thing Americans do is being taxed, my fucking head spins. income tax pisses me off the most though.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-16 05:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sally, you're not a Sally at all are you? You're actually Wesley Snipes!!!
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-04-15 22:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post there Sally! But I gotta tell ya. It needs more cowbell at the end. I JUST GOTTA HAVE THAT COWBELL!!!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-15 21:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to hug you for making my day
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-04-15 20:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i provided another Hummer for the troops today and i'm ok with that cause it could have been worse
i'm also confident that they'll beat the shit out of it and That... makes me smile
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-15 19:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I work in a tax office. That shit is NOT funny. :)
+2 cause the seasons almost over, 1.5 hours and counting.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-15 18:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Sally Walker, Certified Public Accountant,
I received a distribution from my nonqualified deferred compensation account in 2007 as a result of my company experiencing a change in control. I am not sure whether the Code reflected in Box 12 of my W-2 is correct with respect to that distribution and need some help. You see, the Company entered a Code A into Box 12 which, according to the instructions for Form W-2, is used to indicate uncollected social security or RRTA tax on tips. As I work in an office, I do not receive (monetary) tips. So, you can understand my confusion for the "Code A" and no Code reflected for a distribution from my NQDCP. So my question is, has my employer been treating the blowjobs I have receiving from the President's secretary as "tips", but not subjecting the value of those exquisite "favors" to social security taxes? Any guidance you can provide on this matter would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Yozz
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These are the jokes people! Is this thing on?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-15 18:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sally, I am talking a leaf out of your book and refraining from reading this post.
I hope you understand poppet.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2008-04-15 17:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-15 16:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-15 15:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a fucking moron.
---
On the bright side Sally, it's far better to be a fucking moron than an abstinent moron.
==
Truth.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-15 16:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason, the posts of yours that i like the most are the ones not everybody else likes.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-15 16:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the post
+1000 for the filename
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-15 15:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is genius. Where do I buy your book?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-15 15:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a fucking moron.
---
On the bright side Sally, it's far better to be a fucking moron than an abstinent moron.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-15 15:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poifect
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-15 15:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sally sounds developmentally disabled
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"The superintendent's gonna be pissed."...and...
"Who are you guys?"
"We're the Ghostbusters...."
"Who does your taxes?"
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a fucking moron.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-15 19:29:58 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Who's a better CPA...you or Louis Tully?
He'd been doing my taxes for years and other than the occasional bad party I have to attend at his apartment, it's been a wonderful experience.
===========
This was bagel until I read this Ghostbusters based joke
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who's a better CPA...you or Louis Tully?
He'd been doing my taxes for years and other than the occasional bad party I have to attend at his apartment, it's been a wonderful experience.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yozz, that's an interesting conundrum and I would certainly... HEY LOOK BEHIND YOU! JEANS ON SALE!
(runs away)
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Sally Walker, Certified Public Accountant,
I received a distribution from my nonqualified deferred compensation account in 2007 as a result of my company experiencing a change in control. I am not sure whether the Code reflected in Box 12 of my W-2 is correct with respect to that distribution and need some help. You see, the Company entered a Code A into Box 12 which, according to the instructions for Form W-2, is used to indicate uncollected social security or RRTA tax on tips. As I work in an office, I do not receive (monetary) tips. So, you can understand my confusion for the "Code A" and no Code reflected for a distribution from my NQDCP. So my question is, has my employer been treating the blowjobs I have receiving from the President's secretary as "tips", but not subjecting the value of those exquisite "favors" to social security taxes? Any guidance you can provide on this matter would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Yozz
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Am I allowed to deduct the 7,814 -2's I have spent this year?
Please advise....thanks!
---
That's not a tax question. Please, serious inquiries only. It's a busy day for us CPAs, and we really don't have time for senile babbling from the venerable.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Also, in what is most likely merely a coincidence, the April 15th tax deadline happens to be the anniversary of the death of President Abraham Lincoln, who if you are an American may recall had a significant part in freeing the slaves.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Am I allowed to deduct the 7,814 -2's I have spent this year?
Please advise....thanks!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The American tax payment deadline (for once-a-year payers) really should be on the day that the average American has earned enough to actually pay the taxes 'owed'. This year, that day is April 23rd.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's easy. You keep ALL the paperwork you have in a suitcase in the "attic" (loft). When the taxman says "I don't believe you send me your paperwork." you send them the suitcase.
As long as it's roughly accurate, NOBODY will come and whinge at you again :D
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
erm....
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Business time is Wednesday.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle, stop being a spaz. You've done quite enough. Now if you REALLY want to make it up to me, we can talk about it.
I think you know what I'm getting at.
It's business, it's business time.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how does the math for ratings repair work...how many more +2's do I need to drop. I know it'll never get back to +2 - is +1.85 the highest I can get it to?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't wanna die... unless it'll get me a bigger tax return?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooo noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooo
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure how I'm going to spend my rebate.
my refund was stinky little, even with just buying a house. Maybe I should have H&R check my taxes.
or someone else - are there any CPA's on uber?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle, that -2 just cost you your life. Prepare for battle. We'll arrange a meeting place on gabbly.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Americans need every way possible to chea... uh, Keep thier money!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I in NO WAY meant to -2 this post
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
D"oH! stupid scrolly!!
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you drive a car, I'll tax the street;
If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat;
If you get too cold, I'll tax the heat;
If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet.
Taxman!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shooooooooooooooooooooot.
I knew my refund wasn't big enough. NOW you tell me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, Sally..I've already filed and spent my refund on a downpayment for my car. I'm not playing the procrastination game when it means the early bird gets her refund in less than 2 weeks.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-15 12:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
10k and some change owed this year....fucking receipts aren't going to help me.