Insurance for the Incontinent: Part 1 (677 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.76 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ReCall (View user info) at 2008-04-15 13:19:45 EDT
Before I run off to graduate school I got this "job," to try to save up a bit of money. I travel around the state (Northeastern United States) meeting with the elderly and help them get state, federal and private programs involving Medicare (Medicaid, Heat assistance, and Medicare insurance.) Because I am self employed as an insurance agent, I have to hire a company to call all the seniors in a county and try to set appointments with them - which doesn't always prove to be easy. Most of the time they have no clue who I am, why I'm there or what I do. Sometimes the experiences are positive and I am able to help them; sometimes the experiences are full of psychos, attempted assault and the Brunswick police department. The stories that I will share with you will be the latter.
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Part 1
Hamburglar Sr.
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On my way down to a town officially labeled a "slum" by the federal government this morning, I checked my appointment sheet and noticed that Winston Smith* was the first on the list. I had seen this name about 3 times before because Mr. Smith has chosen to cancel the past three times, yet always demanded that we reschedule. I normally wouldn't go see a guy four times but it was a slow week and I needed the appointment. I had called the day before to confirm the appointment and everything seemed all set, but because of this guy's history I called again as soon as I hit the highway and sure enough, no answer. I had appointments in the area so I just said to myself that I would drive all the way down there and leave a card on his door for the very last time. I get to his "house," walk up and knock on his door.
After about 10 seconds of silence I knock a little louder. This time I hear the shuffling of feet and something being moved around - something heavy. I always get a little anxious before the door opens and I meet someone new, but in this case the anxiety faded away after standing there for a full minute without anyone coming to the door. Maybe this guy is hard of hearing, I thought. I knocked LOUDER this time - another shuffling of feet, another sound of something being dragged across an old hardwood floor, then silence again.
After rolling my eyes so hard that it gave me a slight headache I called his home number on my cell phone. I hear the phone ring in his house and I hear the shuffle of feet. 5 rings then an answering machine.
"Hey Mr. Smith this is Recall - we had our fourth appointment this morning and I would be ever so grateful if you could give me a call back while I am still in town. My number is 555-1234 and I will be in the area for another half hour."
I hang up and wait. I again hear the sound of something big being moved across the floor, then silence.
"What the fuck." I said aloud. I went back to my car and drove to a gas station to fill up, grab a drink and kill sometime.
Thirty minutes crawl by and I don't even bother driving back. I start heading towards Biddeford for my next appointment when I decide to give him one more call - just a shot in the dark.
Second ring he picks up.
"HELLOOODAE!"
"Hello Mr. Smith, this is Recall calling again, we had an appointment at 11:00 a.m."
"WE DID!?! Ohhhh SHIT!. WAS THAT YOU AT MY HOUSE??"
"Yes sir, I knocked about four times and called you and left a message." I said while moving the phone away from my ear, preparing for the next round of him yelling as loud as he possibly can into the telephone.
"WHY ARE YOU DRIVING A GOVERNMENT VEHICLE!?? WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!!!??????"
*Interlude*
Apparently the FBI now commands a fleet of GTI's with tacky personalized license plates.
*Interlude*
"Sir I work for a non profit senior advocacy group. I help seniors out with their Medicare. Remember we have had a lot of other appointments set and I have explained to you what we do several times. If you would like I can come back over and go over exactly what I help folks with at your home. Luckily I haven't left the area yet and I'm only a few minutes away from your home."
"OOHHH WELL YOU CAN'T COME HEEAH. I HAVE A LOT OF PRIVATE, SENSITIVE INFORMATION AND TOP SECRET PROJECTS THAT I CAN'T LET YOU SEE. MEET ME AT THE MCDONALDS IN T-MINUS 14 MINUTES."
"I'm sorry sir, did you say you want me to go to the McDonalds?"
"....... (silence) ....."
"Sir??"
"T - MINUS 13 MINUTES..... *CLICK*
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*Interlude*
Oh shit. What the hell have I gotten myself into now. Oh well, if it's McDonalds he wants....
*Interlude*
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13 minutes later I'm sitting patiently at the classiest 24 hour drive through in this shithole when I see a big red pick up tear into the parking lot and a feisty, wiry old man hops out. He was wearing a big fur hat with ear flaps and what looked like four winter jackets. He waddled over into the McDonalds and I flagged him down from the booth where I was sitting. He comes over as I stand up to shake his hand and says
"You Recall?"
"Yes, Mr. Smith it's a pleasure. Please sit so we can begin."
"You here alone?"
"Yes sir, it's just me."
"Alright then," he says as he peers around the restaurant, no doubt searching for all possible exits and potential weapons.
At this point I begin my presentation, where I tell him what I do and what kind of programs are available to people. As I begin to talk he starts to space out. I have seen this behavior before and start to think that he might have dementia, but he seems with it enough to be able to get around by himself so I am quite puzzled at this point what to make of him. When I finish talking and ask him if it's ok for me to ask him a couple of questions about his Medicare to determine qualifications for some of the programs he blankly stairs past me and says:
"You know what goes real good with conversation? Cheeseburgers."
Am I going to have to bribe this guy with a MacAttack?
"Cheeseburgers? From here? To be honest with you sir, I don't typically eat here."
"That's too bad. Cheeseburgers might come in really handy in your line of work."
....
"Sir if you wouldn't mind just answering a couple of questions for me we can call the state and determine your eligibility. I don't want to keep you here long and I have other appointments."
"THE STATE!?!" he yelled, turning heads of the obese patrons. "We ain't callin the god damn state."
"Sir, it's just a verification call to deter..."
"Let me tell you something," he interrupts. "Cheeseburgers are the only salvation from "them." he hissed.
At this point I realized I was dealing with a paranoid schizophrenic that was trying to hustle me out of a quarter pounder and there was no way in hell I would let that ever happen again.
"Sir, can you hold on just one moment," I said while quickly packing up my bag.
I grabbed my bag, turned around and promptly got the hell out of there.
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*Names have been changed to protect your grandparents from embarrassment.*
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-18 05:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-16 10:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-16 13:55:52 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-04-16 06:08:38 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Having to pay for health care is fucking terrible.
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Blame the Reagan administration, they were the ones that decided the national healthcare model should be competitive.
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I thought it was Nixon who started all that malarkey?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-16 09:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
greatgreatgreat
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-16 08:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-04-16 06:08:38 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Having to pay for health care is fucking terrible.
==============================
Blame the Reagan administration, they were the ones that decided the national healthcare model should be competitive.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-04-16 07:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Having to pay for health care is fucking terrible.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-16 07:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that David Belamy? He ruled
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-16 06:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-04-16 02:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written and funny.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-04-15 20:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
today's assaults are just tomorrow's homicides
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-15 15:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At this point I realized I was dealing with a paranoid schizophrenic that was trying to hustle me out of a quarter pounder and there was no way in hell I would let that ever happen again.
AGAIN... hahahahahahahaaaa
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.gabbly.com/www.ubersite.com/
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...
Yup, and it's a damn sight fairer than health insurance companies in America which are about making money for companies, not about keeping people healthy.
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Can't and don't want to argue with you about fairness as I don't know how the quality of the health care provided compares. However I can agree wholeheartedly with you about InsCo greed, and add that I'm into several InsCo stocks that have been medium-term decent moneymakers. Opportunity knocks at all doors.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-15 18:39:54 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Having to pay for health care is fucking terrible.
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Apparently National Health runs on the entropy of the Universe. No, no it doesn't; that's right. You pay for health care, you just call it 'National Insurance Tax'.
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Yup, and it's a damn sight fairer than health insurance companies in America which are about making money for companies, not about keeping people healthy.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Having to pay for health care is fucking terrible.
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Apparently National Health runs on the entropy of the Universe. No, no it doesn't; that's right. You pay for health care, you just call it 'National Insurance Tax'.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old paranoid people are funny.
Are they paranoid because they are old, or did they live so long because they're suspicious about everything?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-15 13:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Having to pay for health care is fucking terrible.