My Shitty Luck (802 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lostnphound (View user info) at 2008-04-16 15:51:59 EDT
I've never really had good luck. Each day I am reminded by an event or moment that goes wrong or occurs unexpectedly. Perhaps it's karma. Bad karma. When I think back on all the terrible things I've said about people I know and people I don't, I realize that perhaps my current life is the consequence of these actions. Allow me to take you through a shit storm of situations that might help you to better understand my state of affairs.
When I was younger my friends and I would go to Busch Gardens often during the summer thanks to the seasons passes we acquired. I was in shape then. Not fat, not skinny. I could run a good distance without having my lungs jump out of my body and punch me in the face for having given them such an abundance of oxygen. I was pleased with my overall appearance. Leonardo DiCaprio is a fag, but my face resembled his so much at that time I was actually asked for an autograph by fine female specimen/sperm receptacle who adored me (him). I was delighted.
Now, at Busch Gardens, we'd often ride the coasters and some of the water rides. It never fails when you're waiting in line for the Raging Rapids to see Fatty McJiggletits exit the ride with his/her soaking wet t-shirt clinging to their torso like wet glue. I'd toss around a few fat jokes, we'd all laugh, and move on. This transaction made a regular appearance during our days at Busch Gardens and elsewhere.
And now I'm fat. Not horribly fat or morbidly obese like those I defaced. But fat enough to be considered fat. Could it be Karma? I'd like to think so because it gives me somewhere else to put the blame. "No, Lostnphound, you're fat because you drink too much beer or eat too much fast food and don't exercise", screams the mighty voice of Uber or Oathmeal (Cheers). You'd be wrong though. Karma made me love beer and fast food. It wasn't my choice. Okay, it was, but whatever. Now I have to go home and drink because I've stampeded my own self-esteem.
Over the years I continued to point out the shortcomings of others, be it something funny about their face, weight, voice, you name it, and I made fun of it. And I've paid dearly.
I made fun of some kid on I-64 for having behemoth satellite ears. Shortly after I had a fender bender as a direct result. Or perhaps I was just staring at the "bagels" attached to the side of his head for too long when the car in front of me came to a sudden stop.
I once almost removed my right big toe with the lawn mower. My brother was mowing the yard and having a difficult time of it. I called him a pussy and stood him aside to show him how a real man does it. Yes, a real man tries to sever his toe while mowing. Everyone knows this. They just lack the balls to follow through.
I got pink eye twice in a row recently. Must have been because of that time I beat a kid in high school with his own shoe.
I got an anal abscess which later turned into a fistula. Must have been because I make fun of fudge packing homos.
More recently, I've notice that at work I've been consistently going to the men's one seater bathroom to drain the ol' blue vein throbber right after someone has blasted the toilet with their anal demons. Every fucking time. And it's the only men's bathroom here.
9:36am - Smells like death.
11:12am - Smells like death.
12:53pm - Smells like death.
2:43pm - Smells like death.
4:24pm - Smells like death.
I drink a lot of water at work, okay?
Point is, no matter when I go in, someone has just had a monster truck shit derby just minutes before my arrival. Not only that, but the culprit has also decided to try and cover up their shit stink with floral scented Oust causing it to smell like someone took a shit in a bouquet of flowers. The smell leaps into my nostrils, my brain neurons fire analyzing and interpreting the smell, and I try not to fucking vomit all over myself.
I'm still trying to figure out what I did to deserve this.
I think I'm just going to start peeing outside...again.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-18 05:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-17 13:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-17 09:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, apollo, hope everything goes ok. Chin up, chap.
x
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-04-17 09:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and I thought at my age it was just my dick that was getting soft. Next thing you know I'll be writing art modell a thank you letter for selling eric metcalf to the falcons.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-04-17 09:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-17 09:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have had some horrid luck there. Keep it up, entertain us!
Apollo. I have never said a single word to you in the two years I have been here, but I was genuinely gutted on your behalf reading that. Make sure you are nice to yourself though this.
------------------
must....
fight.....
urge...to....
con..
cur.
arrgh fuck it!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-17 09:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have had some horrid luck there. Keep it up, entertain us!
Apollo. I have never said a single word to you in the two years I have been here, but I was genuinely gutted on your behalf reading that. Make sure you are nice to yourself though this.
LM
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-17 08:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-17 08:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright, but this time and this time only.
You know my need for big black men and shaved goats.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-17 08:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, again? Only if I can leave the big black guy and shaved goat out of it this time, ok?
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-17 08:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-17 08:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:) check ya mail later
----
Will do.
Naked pics?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-17 08:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:) check ya mail later
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-17 08:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to be fat but made fun of everyone else anyway. Then I got skinny and inherently vain from the extra attention from girls. Ummm, I'm not sure what the point of that is because the vanity never really wears off. Mmmm... meee....
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-17 05:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Life is toil and hardship and struggle and suffering interspersed with moments of emotional/drug induced euphoria.
Saying that though, an abcess in your bumhole? Uncool.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-17 05:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Think you got a fistula from all that anal fisting you sick little monkey!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-17 04:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-04-17 02:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
sometimes it's like God wiped his ass with your life
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-17 01:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bummer.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-16 23:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cheers guys
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-16 22:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry to hear about that, Apollo. I sincerely hope the best for you and yours.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-04-16 21:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Apollo: Hang tough brother. We all get a hero's challenge from time to time and the strength we possess within can carry us through...got gotta be strong.
LnP: you had a fistula... you poor bastard. i NEVER want one of those. EVER.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-16 21:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-16 20:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-16 20:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey I'm taking my fiance to johns hopkins on saturday for a course of high dose chemotherapy and my granddad who was in hospital for a routine surgery contracted MRSA today and is dying.
that's bad luck for you.
---
I wept because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet.
-----
Apollo: I've been in the zone where you are. You must not falter. People you care about depend on you, and even the least smile or encouraging word you offer means the world. Not even in the least bit kidding, as I'm sure by now you know.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-16 20:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-16 20:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey I'm taking my fiance to johns hopkins on saturday for a course of high dose chemotherapy and my granddad who was in hospital for a routine surgery contracted MRSA today and is dying.
that's bad luck for you.
---
I wept because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-16 20:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey I'm taking my fiance to johns hopkins on saturday for a course of high dose chemotherapy and my granddad who was in hospital for a routine surgery contracted MRSA today and is dying.
that's bad luck for you.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-16 20:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 WILLIE
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-16 20:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-16 19:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i know people can get fistulas through surgery in their arms and thighs for hemodialysis... but i never knew your body could make its own. anally. i just took a massive shit and now i'm skerred.
===
You know, I asked my dr. how this happened.
Know what he said? Anal sex. Kidding of course.
His actual answer was, "It's just like anything else in the world. It just happens..."
Thanks, Doc.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i know people can get fistulas through surgery in their arms and thighs for hemodialysis... but i never knew your body could make its own. anally. i just took a massive shit and now i'm skerred.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worst thing ever, Matnoharry, worst thing ever.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Q1IWhhR85-8
I looked up anal fistula on wikipedia then wished I hadnt - I was quite happy not knowing something like that existed. Unlucky man
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Touche'.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop flirting, Yozz, I don't swing that way.
------------------------------------------------
Maybe you should. It just may change your luck. Stop denying what you truly feel and embrace being a cum-guzzler.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop flirting, Yozz, I don't swing that way.
Mighty optimistic of you to compare your member to a .45
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-16 16:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is only one solution - suck on a .45.