Uberotica w/ Susie Derkins: In Which Some Muppets Violate Mr. Belvedere's Private Sanctum (969 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2008-04-17 21:30:48 EDT
"So, Master Wesely," said the portly butler, a grin bristling his primly trimmed moustache as he folded down the young man's linens, "are you feeling ready for your first co-ed slumber party?"
"I suppose," Said teenager, scratching his head as he pondered the g-string banana hammock and wife beater tank Mr. Belvedeere had set out on his Fraggle bedsheets. "Um, I'm not sure about the pajamas you laid out for me though."
"Come, young laddy-buck," said the butler, clapping him on the back, "the Queen herself has informed me that banana hammockry is all the rage with children these days. Now I must crack on like smoke and oakum as they say, lest this house never gets cleaned!"
Laughing, he picked up the faux silver tray and exited the room with a towel over his arm. He exhaled as he shut the door before him. Certainly, he inwardly confessed, the skimpy skivvies he laid out for the young lad was a bit revealing; a bit left of what was perhaps, by anything but NAMBLA standards, proper. But it wasn't because he found the young man attractive. It's not that the doe eyes pierced him through, or the shapely calves and slender ankles aroused his tower of London in anything other than a purely hetrosexual way, No. Why, back in his days at Colonel Kinkyknicker's School for Stereotypically British Boys, such attire would have been all the rage. He thought back upon it with a wry smile. Then he frowned, there was something he was forgetting, something that he always pushed from his mind whenever it popped up. Something so disturbing....
Mr. Belvedere awoke in the fetal position in the corner of the den. He was surrounded by the Owens family, who were regarding him with strange looks. He became faintly aware of an ammonia smell and realized with horror that he had wet his pants.
"Uh....are you ok there, pal?" asked George, an uneasy smile on his face.
"Oh George, I'm so sorry." said Mr. Belvedere, "I'll clean this mess up immediately."
"Mr. Belvedere," said Marsha, "what happened?"
Mr. Belvedere cast his eyes to the floor and heaved a big sigh. He had never talked about this to anyone before. "You see, when I was just a lad about Wesley's age, I had these two teachers; Brigadier Fonzy Bear and Admiral Molesterme Elmo...."
The years faded away before his eyes, and there was young Mr. Belvedere, age twelve, sitting on a foot locker and combing his fine young moustache. "Belvedere!" squeaked Admiral Elmo.
"Sir, yes Sir!" Replied Young Belvedere, snapping to attention.
"Would you care to explain to me why you are not attending wrestling in the gym with the other cadets?"
"Sir, I do not think wrestling should be performed naked, Sir!"
"Naked is the way wrestling is done, Belvedere." Piped Elmo. "It has been so since Classical times."
"Sir, we are not Greek, Sir. Greeks are oily and loud and have much better teeth. Permission to disagree."
"Ey-ee!" Fonzy Bear crooned, sashaying into the room in his baggy trousers and polka-dot tie. He threw a tomato at a jukebox and it started playing Hearts of Oak. "This disagreement reeks of sedition, wot wot?"
"Yes," Said Elmo, "indeed it does. And we shall, I think punish him."
"Wakka wakka," Agreed Fonzy Bear. "Let us bend Mr. Belvedere over, remove his seditious vest and insert his catheter."
"NOOOOOO!!" screamed Mr. Belvedere, fear clouding his eyes.
"I'm afraid so," squealed Elmo solemnly, "If you aren't man enough to wrestle other men naked and covered in oil, then you aren't man enough to pee in a toilet."
"Can't I at least have a bedpan? Anything but the catheter."
"No way, Jose." said Fonzy Bear, "And I think we should also fit him for a colostomy bag, WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"...," said Marsha, shifting uncomfortably.
"I remember their fuzzy little facees closing in," said Belvedere, his face shellacked with fear, and also a little of his own stool. "the heat of their fake fur unclothing me, their bobbling bead eyes leering at my naked flesh, my exposed orifii."
"Wow, Belvedere," Said George, "are you getting a little teak right now too?"
"Um," said Marsha.
"I mean, you wouldn't THINK a muppet rape scene would be sexy, but..."
The doorbell, Marsha thought. Thank God. "Do you want to get the door, George? I'll take care of Mr. Belvedere."
"Yeah, of course." George gave a sidelong glance at the prostrate Mr. Belvedere and left the room to get the door. Belvedere's crazy, he thought. Muppets aren't real. They were nice little puppets that entertained children. They had puppeteer's hand up their rears, they didn't move or talk under their own power. He's crazy...isn't he?
As George neared the door, the bell stopped and the hammering of fists on the wood began. "Yeah yeah, keep your pants on. I'm comin'" he grumbled
George opened the door and could barely believe his eyes. There stood two fuzzy puppets, sans hands up their rears, staring at him with cold, googly eyes. The red one wore a military cap. The brown one, a leather motorcycle jacket.
"'Scuse me, fella's." said George, "I need to go throw out all my mushrooms."
"Is this the house of Lynn Aloisious Belvedere?" squeaked the smaller red puppet.
"Heh...Lynn..." giggled the brown one. The red puppet backhanded him.
"SILENCE!"
George rubbed his eyes and continued to stare, befuddled, at the two puppets. The red puppet looked at him for a good long while before it spoke again.
"So does Belvedere live here, or what?"
"There is a Belvedere here, but look guys, there's, um, you see my son's having a b'girl party any minute, and I have to run out to get roofies."
"Roofies?"
"I say!"
"HO HOS! I MEANT HO HOS!"
"You will hand over the rohypnol and show us to Belvedere at once!"
"But I just said I didn't get them ye--"
"YOU WILL HAND THEM OVER OR WE WILL FORCE YOU TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH MR BEAN AND THAT CRAPPY BBC ROBIN HOOD SERIES! IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY PUDDING!!! HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DIN'T EAT YER MEAT??"
"YES SIR! VERY HAPPY TO BE ANOTHER BRICK, SIR!"
"Excellent," Said Fonzy Bear, walking up the stairs. "Which one of us did that nice piece of bartering then anyways?"
"I don't rightly know," said Admiral Elmo, skipping up behind him. "That Susie Derkins never attributes her dialogue."
Just then the door bell rang. George wiped the sweat off his brow and opened it to a wee girl scout. She looked awfully familiar. And annoying.
"My name's Owivia. I'm sewwing giwl scout cookies. Wouwd you wike to buy some? Pweeeeeeze?"
The little girl batted her eyelashes, looking nauseatingly adorable. George reached for the nearest bucket and threw up. Saccharine children always gave him gut rot. That and Southern Comfort. He opened the door wider and motioned for the sickeningly cute girl to come inside. Olivia skipped inside the door and sat on the step, chubby cheeks in hand.
"So, how many wouwd you wike to get?"
George reached for the bucket again and heaved. He recognized her now. She was the reason he had to stop watching the Cosby Show. Old Bill must have a stomach of steel. He spat out the bitter tasting bile and wiped his mouth.
"Wow, mister." said Olivia, "You're awfuwwy sick. Do you need a doctor?"
George gagged and waved her off. Olivia shrugged her shoulders and stole his wallet. She counted out a few bills, put them in her pink plastic Barbie purse and deposited three boxes of Thin Mints on the stairs. She went for the door and George stopped her.
"Hey!" he said, dropping the bucket, "Give me back my wallet!"
"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" said Olivia, who's tone was much deeper now. George's eyes goggled.
"Wh...you're a boy?" George managed. Olivia sighed.
"Man, actually," Olivia adjusted her junk, "Temporarily anyway. I'm a pre-op woman."
"But...why? Who are you really?"
"I'm Gary Coleman. I'm just not getting much work lately and the funds are running kind of low. I decided to get a sex change and move in with the Cosbys. They're rich! Now look, bitch, that kid from Webster told me there was a b'girl party, and I am THE QUINTESSENCE of b'girl."
"Look, my son's only twelve, I'm not sure he's ready for any of these backdoor--"
"Look bitch, I'll throw in some All Abouts."
"SOLD!" George said as the door rang yet again. "Upstairs, last door on the left!"
"So, Belvedere," said Elmo, stepping towards the prostate and crotch-damp butler. "It seems we have some unsettled business."
"I-I'm not a boy anymore you know!" Belvedere snapped with all the Bristol bravery he could muster. "I'm an old man now! And a butler! I know Alfred from Batman!"
"Ey-eee!" Fonzy Bear said, "relax, Belvie. We ain't here to fight. We're here to finish your colostomy bag installation."
"Evidently, we came a little too late." said Elmo, waving his hand in front of his face. Mr Belvedere turned and looked at the seat of his pants, now soiled. His face flushed. He stood, and with all the dignity he could muster, went to change his pants.
"Why are you doing this?" said Wesley. "Why don't you leave him alone?"
"Because he went AWOL before we could finish the job."
Wesley slumped into a chair. He couldn't let these two monsters take Mr. Belvedere away. Who else would teach him what proper sleep attire was or the gentle art of crumpet stuffing? He had to do something.
"Take me," Wesley whispered, "Take me instead of Mr. Belvedere, because..."
"Okay!" squealed Elmo, "Get in the truck."
All of a sudden, the door to the kitchen burst open, Mr Belvedere came bounding out weilding a meat cleaver. With one flabby swipe, he took Elmo's head clean off. He chopped him up into small, manageable fuzzy pieces, pulled out a fork and made him into crepe suzettes which he shoved into his fat mouth and got all over his portly British moustache. Wesley and Fonzy Bear stared in disbelief. Belvedere stopped chewing.
"Would you like some?" he said, offering up a forkful of muppet, "It's rare, but tender."
"WOULD I?" gasped Wesley, grabbing the fork and digging in. Fonzy kept staring, his mouth agape. He took off his shades and wiped a tear.
"You....you...." stuttered Fonzy, "You have...set me free!"
"What??" cried Mr. Belvedere.
"I've been enslaved by that evil pile of red polyester for decades. He beat me every day and forced me to do humiliating things with he and Grover. Now finally, I'm free! I....I think I love you!"
And then they had three way sex.
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-04-21 21:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-18 17:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed certain parts, others were kind of boring...good enough for a 1.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-18 16:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THE LAST ONES GAVE ME FOOD POISONONG (and also crabs) BECAUSE I LET THEM SIT IN MY OFFICE BY THE HEATER FOR LIKE SIX MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-04-18 16:01:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you, Icky. Always blaming me for your mistakes. NO MORE COOKIES FOR YOU.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-18 15:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, Derkins said she was going to have her way with my younger brother with a rubber spoon. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-18 15:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...,"
was my favorite, nice use of the comma
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's that damned Susie Derkins again. Next time I see her, I'm going to jab her in the face with a pencil. Probably the eraser end of the pencil, because I don't want it to hurt much, but she'll still know that I mean business and shit.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm Gary Coleman. I'm just not getting much work lately and the funds are running kind of low. I decided to get a sex change and move in with the Cosbys."
======================
GOLD
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not all that erotic but mildly amusing
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...,"
was my favorite, nice use of the comma
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
deserves a much higher rating
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-18 06:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was laughing anyway then this line "WE WILL FORCE YOU TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH MR BEAN AND THAT CRAPPY BBC ROBIN HOOD SERIES!" just brought a tear to my eye. God those suck, especially the politically correct Robin shit.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-04-18 05:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This could have been so much better.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-18 05:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 04:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read about half 0f 9f it and got bored but I am tired today so that's probably my fault.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 04:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wh ... what's going on? Wh ... wha ... why am I on a Japanese box?
-- Homer Simpson
In Marge We Trust
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-18 01:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Look at young Willie... the enjoyment he receives from wandering around being a gigantic homo-erotic pest must be very fulfilling indeed.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-17 22:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whatever flicks your micro-bic, fatboy.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-17 22:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
uh...that wasn't make believe, sherlock1987
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-17 22:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The web's given birth to a lot of freaky and specialized fetishes out there. Animated transvestite teachers. Plus-sized female musketeers, Pikachu. I think you're the first person in existence to have a thing for make-believe ubergay coupling, though.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-04-17 22:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There's nothing quite like the smell of shit-packing in the morning.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-17 22:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i wrote a story about mccallum and bubba fucking
i hope it didn't hurt your feelings
but since you are sexing with berg i think you'd be hypocritical to hold it against jack
get it?
hold it against jack.
anyway, sorry for the disturbance mrs mccallum
go back to your regularly scheduled circle jerk
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-17 22:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Would that turn you on, Sico? How much time do you spend thinking about ubersexual coupling? You'd probably be better suited to uberotica than anyone else.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh no double teamed by the douchebag and the boring douchebag
are you guys going to make sweet e-love now?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read this yet, but I am sure it's awesome.
Besides, SoftWillie already gave it a -2 so I can't harm your competition chances simply because he's a bored e-stalking little dork.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking palm. The web = this website.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sico, there are only two people monitoring the web at 8 PM CST. Both of them are you.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ahahahahahaha
you sound obsessed with semen
do you miss your boyfriend sico?
does mccallum know you're two timing him?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stalker-countering rating. I don't care if it *is* masturbatory.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Multiple alters?
Weak comebacks?
Lives, breathes and shits ubersite?
You've been outed, sico.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sour!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i will eat them while
i drink your milkshake
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you enjoy those cookies I left in the bushes?
The secret ingredient is love, BTW.
Love and a little quicksilver.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-17 21:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sweet!