These Words are Timeless... (1472 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.18 on 88 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-04-18 07:38:57 EDT
Ah, Death.
'Tis the great leveller. Be ye King or Comedian, Pauper or Poet; we all end up on our back, in a box. With some luck, our passing shall be mourned.
If the fates conspire against us, however, we may be zipped up into a bag, by a stranger in a foreign land.
Unluckier still, and we may rest ad infinitum in the stomach of some bloodthirsty, gargantuan beast, our ravaged corpse subjected to the humiliation of digestion.
And so what is left? When time is up, last orders called, and our lips lie silent and lifeless, how will the world recall that brief period we call 'life'?
Better think of a good epitaph.
Years after death, when loved ones have recovered from their grief, and those you knew best have all but forgotten the sound of your voice or that scent you wore, the epitaph is the last means of communication. It is a final 'huzzah!' which will remain long after the bones it guards have disintegrated.
A good epitaph can echo that which it represents, with unforeseeable guarantee.
What should an epitaph say? Traditionally it will mention the important dates in the life of the deceased, and offer support through recognition of beloved family members or friends. Vocation, personality and achievements can also be recalled, sometimes vividly.
The best thing to do is to specify your epitaph as early as possible. You could be eaten by a swamp-monster tomorrow, leaving your memorial to be worded by those closest. This is a mistake. For one thing, 'twould be a terrible burden to place on a parent or partner, since they would (hopefully) be devastated enough by their loss without having to turn to scripture. Secondly, the bastards would probably talk about themselves far too much.
Consider a fairly generic inscription:
Here lies Penelope: Loving Mother, Beloved Wife, Cherished Sister, Considerate Neighbour... etc.
For one thing, there's no attitude. No va-va-voom. No imagination. I would rather at least a semblance of truth:
Here lies Penelope: Married while Pregnant, Infuriating Flirt, Negligent Sister, Inappropriately Boxom Aunt... etc.
Better? Probably not, but at least it catches the eye. You have to consider that people visiting your grave will (again, hopefully) be upset enough, without then being bored to tears.
An epitaph is a shadow, cast by a life across the realm of time. Great epitaphs resonate, dull ones are forgotten. More often than not, a memorable inscription is indicative of a memorable person.
Some of my favourites:
* * * * *
Spike Milligan, the Irish comedian, desired for his to read: Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite, which is Irish for I told you I was ill.
Winston Churchill, that bastion of British bullishness and self-righteousness, is remembered by the rather regal:
I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
The author of these lines is unknown, but the message is remarkably Churchillian in delivery and defiance.
Mel Blanc, the man of a thousand cartoon voices, chose a fitting line to recall his Porky Pig character: That's all, Folks!
The poet Robert Frost settled for the delightfully succinct: I had a lover's quarrel with the world.
In an unusual deviation from the usual, the presumably bitter mother of Jesse James chose her son's epitaph to spit a final note of defiance on his behalf, with: Murdered by a traitor and a coward whose name is not worthy to appear here.
Martin Luther King chose to look forward, rather than back. Tired with the inequalities in this world he understandably foresaw a brighter future, as his epitaph repeated lyrics he had often quoted: Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I'm Free At Last.
Frank Sinatra's epitaph is an ironic reprisal of one of his finest hits: The best is yet to come, apparently.
The French thinker Voltaire sums up the situation perfectly, with the rather Gallic: Here lies Voltaire.
Perhaps the best of the celebrity epitaph is provided not by a real man, but by a fictional character. Edmund Blackadder's tomb reads: Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed.
* * * * *
So think on how you would like to be remembered. It is a handy thing to have decided beforehand, since when the clutches of death are upon you, there may be other things on your mind. Billy Connolly has said that he wants his grave-stone to read 'Is that the time already?'
The only epitaph I am pleased with for myself is rather hypothetical: I want to live long and happy, and ideally I'd like to die before my wife, since I'm not very good at loneliness. So, assuming I leave a grieving widow, I have re-worded some lines from the poet Robert Burns, for my parting kiss to the world:
'Til all the seas gang dry, my dear,
'Till all the seas gang dry.
I'll lie and wait for you, my dear,
'Till all the seas gang dry.
Presumptuous? Gay? Plagiarism? Possibly.
But what will I care? I'll be dead.
What will your tombstone say about you, hmm?
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-04-19 23:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
K that was a but messy but i'm highly baked.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-04-19 23:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think the only epitaph every uber need could ever need would say:
"Fag Below"
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-04-19 23:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Told you I could eat that many hot dogs at once"
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-18 16:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE
FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-04-18 16:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-18 15:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My tombstone will say that I died heroically saving my family from a sinking battleship
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-18 13:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Apparently, he CAN shut the fuck up. Your welcome, God."
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-18 13:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 12:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sgt: http://www.flickr.com/photos/maleficusv/sets/72157600054457363/
===============
damn websense is blocking me!!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 12:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sgt: http://www.flickr.com/photos/maleficusv/sets/72157600054457363/
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-18 12:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture is fantastic
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-18 12:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
old roomie's epitaph:
"I guess this means I'm not Hardcore."
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-18 12:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife wrote mine:
"Gone at last, gone at last. Thank God Almighty he's gone at last."
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 11:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Images of great epitaphs:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zamwal_tin/2383758539/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ghb624/391640131/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/95338188@N00/142425480/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/matthewabadi/2353338636/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/hauntedpalace/178996286/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/31999630@N00/1748948308/
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-04-18 11:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Is that a Coke bottle on the bedside table?
What shameless product placement.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-04-18 11:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A friend decided my epitaph would be simply "Painful" and I think I'll stick with it...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cromulent below
Submitted by Titus (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man."
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.dogjudo.co.uk/mugged.html
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Silenced Fatty
===========
FTW!
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, its kept me amused.
'Silence Fatty' would be a funny epitaph.
Good contribution :o)
--
It would probably work better as:
Silenced Fatty
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, its kept me amused.
'Silence Fatty' would be a funny epitaph.
Good contribution :o)
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Silence fatty. This was a hitwhoring post of the very worst calibre.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aaaaah.
You Geordie gas-bag, you.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bell End
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For Bell - it would be "this is the end"
===========
I don't get that.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
didn't read btw. DURRRRRR
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For Bell - it would be "this is the end"
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the voltaire one is not a wordplay in the original one.
"Ci-git, Voltaire."
it's rather formal.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
REALLY?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spike Milligan.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I told you I was ill" is the best.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My favorite epitaph is by some dude named Leo Campion
"Epitaphe : quelques vers sur beaucoup d'autres."
in french, "vers" means "verses" AND "worms"
"Epitaph : a few verses/worms on top of many more"
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
FUCCCCKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a simple LOL carved in big letters would be a great epitaph.
==============
or
'Y HALO THAR'
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a simple LOL carved in big letters would be a great epitaph.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"No Comment".
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 10:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Epitaph:
"Just Five More Minutes, Mum."
-----------
That's pretty good.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Epitaph:
"Just Five More Minutes, Mum."
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-18 14:55:05 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
=============
Even in death, lostnphound remains tight-lipped.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Snoop Dogg started the mu'fuckin' Boy Scouts, whitey.
---------
How dare you, I am not white!
I am Beige.
*complicated hand gesture*
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Snoop Dogg started the mu'fuckin' Boy Scouts, whitey.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
187 skills?
That's a lot of skills. Are they boy scouts? Do they have badges for each one?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Protected by niggaz wit big dicks, A.K.'s, and 187 skills"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The only people who would go to a grave yard to read about knickers and cunts are very much the wrong kind of white person.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Or that dude in the cell from Silence of the Lambs...
'I can smell your cunt'
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, "I can see your knickers; have a wash."
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I can see your knickers."
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pete Reynolds: 1986-1944
Father, Son, Time traveller.
============
Love that one
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pete Reynolds: 1986-1944
Father, Son, Time traveller.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm what to say? So much and most of it crap.
"Well that took longer than expected."
Umm?
"Haha Doubters I finally got some hole."
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shit, hurty beat me to it.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's one that somebody had to say:
"LEEEEEEEEEEEEROY JENKINS!"
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No dont put me in a box I have to run back to my body
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"LEEEEEEEROOOOYYYY JENKIIINNNNSSSS!"
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'Sssshhh...Do you smell something?'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Here's lies Berty: camped by a faggot"
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh, every time i try to open my mail it says 'cannot find server'.
I was only joking, gorgeous :)
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Over my dead body!"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Rez Plz"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"NHS Waiting list starts here"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My other tombstone has Che Guevera on it"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"These Burgers are Crazy"
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In researching for this post (oh, yes) I found this particularly sad epitaph of an unknown infant who lies in Vermont:
"Here lies our darling baby boy
He never cries or hollers
He lived for one and twenty days
And cost us forty dollars."
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-18 09:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy: "Dont just stand there bitch, Show me your Hole!"
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You can't beat Milligan's, for me.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine: "I take it back. There IS a God."
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I better not be buried next to him; 30 years was more than enough thank you.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Write in *very* small letters so they have to go up close to read it:
"You're standing on my balls"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps an arrow pointing down and something like "for sexy times dig here"
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*celtic
LM ftw!
Mine would read "-2, DIE"
ugh. sorry, but someone had to..
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I lied, it was all for me!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit I'm confused too.
LittleMonster's is winning at the moment, by the way.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't blame me you cetic hoodlum
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry, Orphy confused me.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Were they his last words? I'm talking about the inscriptions on the tombstone dude.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 13:24:54 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
No man Churchill's is
I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
=======
Seriously, they're not. He said "I'm so bored of it all" before going into a coma, he died nine days after.
And Orphy, I've never heard the cold thing before so I dunno.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I plan to be cremated.
Dead people don't need apartments.
But...if I were to be buried, I'd want my headstone to read "You're next."
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was Colonel Mustard, in the dining room, with the revolver.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You freakin' bunch of geeks.
Was it Orson Welles? Just tell me hurty, you Scottish hippy!
I am a woman on the edge, don't push me!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No man Churchill's is
I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde
I'm bored with it all.
~~ Winston Churchill
==========
Denied. Though HG Wells was "Go away, I'm all right."
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Whether or not it was true when I was alive, if you're reading this then it's certainly true now: I know something you don't know."
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-18 08:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 12:52:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
"It's just a cold, stop fussing, what's the worst that could happen..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They are the last words of someone famous.
Probably Winston or Oscar.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 07:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"It's just a cold, stop fussing, what's the worst that could happen..."
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-18 07:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahaha.
"I wanted to be cremated" would be an awesome epitaph on a grave-stone.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-18 07:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice product placement.
I want to be cremated.