Welcome to my anticlimactic life (467 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.26 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-04-20 21:55:51 EDT
"I will have you know that today marks three straight days of flossing."
When she heard this she squealed with delight and did something vaguely resembling the "dance of joy" from Perfect Strangers. She wasn't this happy when I proposed. Fuck. That's what I get for regularly fucking a dental hygienist. She's a sweet girl, but she tends to take this tooth thing a little far.
She asked me to quit smoking and using Skoal because it was supposedly destroying my teeth. She compared it to the destruction of Brazilian rain forests. A tad dramatic if you ask me. I stopped smoking but Skoal comes in "Berry Blend" so quitting is out of the question. Besides, I don't give a shit about the rain forests. That is unless it's rain forests made out of tobacco plants. She keeps harping about me having my teeth when I am 80 and I just don't feel like telling her I am not planning to live that long.
Cum in her mouth? Glad you asked. She spends five days per week scrapping shit off of people's teeth. Take a wild guess. Actually, it works out for the best because shooting a wad in a paper towel after getting a blow job is totally anticlimactic. Like I said, we are engaged so I have to get used to things being anticlimactic. The big build up to the ceremony and then the sad realization that I have limited myself to only one vagina for the rest of my life. Fuck. Vince Vaughn sure knew what he was talking about in that movie Old School.
One night while watching some stupid show on VH1 that was shamefully passed off as "reality", I jokingly asked her to floss my teeth. Turns out the joke was on me. She reached into her front pocket and retrieved a small light blue colored rectangle. She popped it open and produced a thin piece of floss. Even Batman doesn't carry that shit around.
Wrapping it around two fingers she told me to open my mouth. I thought that if I told her I was joking she would strangle me with the floss so I obliged her. She was asking me questions while flossing my teeth. I tried to ask her how the fuck I was supposed to answer her while she flossed my teeth but that was a lost cause.
In little league I tried catching a baseball with my mouth, so I'm familiar with what blood tastes like. I protested but she cut that off saying that if I flossed regularly I wouldn't bleed. Wow, she could be a motivational speaker. After 4 teeth and 4 gallons of blood I was done. Reluctantly she stopped. She looked sad a dejected like someone getting kicked off of Big Brother so I swallowed my pride, blood too, and allowed her to finish.
So the other day she says she has a surprise for me. Woo hoo! I thought we were going to have a threesome with her best friend. I wondered when she read my journal and learned that little nugget of information. She produced a little brown paper bag. Hmmm, maybe she got me a joy buzzer or a slinky. Instead she pulled an 8 inch long piece of plastic with a narrow strip of floss on some cheap little prongs at the end.
Welcome to my anticlimactic life.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
But will she take it in the pooper?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Neat wee story.
You should floss...
Worst nightmare marrying a dentist! I about pluck the courage up to see one every six months any more than that I would be a panic stricken wreck gibbering on the floor.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You keep making me give you +2s and people around here are going to start thinking you are my alter.
What?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know LM, I'm just saying that nobody I know lives like this.
Then again I live in the Midlands so maybe that's all it is. We don't make babies, we just get more immigrants in to replace the dead.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 06:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know when you watch anime and it's really weird with all these cultural oddities going on that you do not understand?
Similar. Very similar.
I mean I've been reading about this magical world where people have these dilemmas and hop in and out of one another's bed but I've never actually met anyone who's done this. Most people are like "3 sexual partners in a year? SCORE!" or just in a relationship and have been for years.
I don't know how anyone can do it really, it'd be like going in to a job interview all the time. I mean yes there's sex at the end of a succesful application but lets be honest here; sex isn't that great. Seriously. It's a nice thing to do with people you like but strangers? Even pretty strangers? Jeez man, it's just not fun.
When you think about it it makes the whole crude stylings of modern pop icons so much more understandable when you look at it like that.
My God, everyones life is terrible.
__________________________________
Just because it is something you think you wouldn't enjoy, doesn't mean that goes for other people too. It doesn't make everyones lives terrible.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 06:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know when you watch anime and it's really weird with all these cultural oddities going on that you do not understand?
Similar. Very similar.
I mean I've been reading about this magical world where people have these dilemmas and hop in and out of one another's bed but I've never actually met anyone who's done this. Most people are like "3 sexual partners in a year? SCORE!" or just in a relationship and have been for years.
I don't know how anyone can do it really, it'd be like going in to a job interview all the time. I mean yes there's sex at the end of a succesful application but lets be honest here; sex isn't that great. Seriously. It's a nice thing to do with people you like but strangers? Even pretty strangers? Jeez man, it's just not fun.
When you think about it it makes the whole crude stylings of modern pop icons so much more understandable when you look at it like that.
My God, everyones life is terrible.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-21 01:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this was really good
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-04-21 00:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Run, and don't look back.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-20 23:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm only -1ing this since it's obviously fiction. If it were a post describing your real life I'd probably not rate it at all, since you've got it bad enough that it'd be hard for me to drop the -2 it'd deserve. Fun Fact: marriange doesn't involve complete abandonment of one's self, provided one marries the right person. Indeed, marriage to the right person will compliment and enhance both participants rather than inhibit and restrict them. Something to think about.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-20 22:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 for "She was asking me questions while flossing my teeth. I tried to ask her how the fuck I was supposed to answer her while she flossed my teeth but that was a lost cause" because it's the ultimate dentist cliche. Other than that it was all right. You probably shouldn't marry this girl, but you really should floss your teeth every day.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-20 22:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should not be getting married.
It will end in failure and you will still have inflamed gums.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-20 22:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pity +2
get rid of her
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-20 21:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sure.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-20 21:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Kill yourself. Today.