8 Simple Rules for Dating a Girl (1280 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.58 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-04-21 07:35:25 EDT
I may not know much about girls. I know so little about them, in fact, that I couldn't think of anything to make a list of 10 generalisations, which is what these are. The bastards are all different, which is what makes them so damn tricky to predict. A short line of girlfriends, a childhood poodle and a plethora of teenage obsessions have at least taught me this much:
Ignore them
Implausibly simple, yet superbly efficient. Hassling a girl for cuddles, smothering them in kisses and questioning them like Magnus Magnusson on cocaine can lead to cries of protest and accusations of immaturity. Pick up the sports pages, however, and just watch. At first she'll be pleased that you seem to be keeping yourself amused. Then, she'll grow curious as to what your attention is focused on, if not her. Give it five minutes and the newspaper will be torn from your grasp, replaced by an inquisitive and affectionate snuggler.
Compliments
She: You hardly ever say it anymore.
He: I don't want to say it too often, so that it's special when I do say it.
She: Well, it would still be nice to hear it now and then...
He: Come on. You know I love you.
She: Oh, shut up.
Ever participated in one of those ridiculous exchanges? I have. That used to be me, in fact. I thought that compliments (not only the 'L' word) were like a fine wine: the longer you keep it corked, the better it will taste. I was wrong. Compliment them often, and highly, and life suddenly becomes easier. After a while it becomes second nature, like brushing your teeth in the morning, or serving notice that you are about to spunk. Girls never tire of hearing nice things about themselves.
Laissez-faire
Or, let them do whatever the hell they want. Even if it is a bad idea, stand back, smiling and nodding. Once the deed is done and the mistake realised, then step in with comforting cuddle and manly musk. The reason for this is that once a girl gets an idea or an ambition into her head, no amount of male rationale will change it. You can't talk her out of it, so why bother? Also, by voicing opposition beforehand, you leave yourself wide open for the fatal 'I told you so', which only serves to heighten the trauma. So, encourage her stupidity, let her alone while she errs, and console when the remorse kicks in. The beauty of this scheme is that she will know you were right all along, without you even having to say it.
Apologise
That salty, lumpy thing at the back of your throat? Pride. Swallow it. Once caught in the quicksand of a committed relationship, it is best to forfeit all sense of stubborn righteousness. There are times when a man cocks up, and grovelling is the only means of redemption. Fair enough. Then there are times when nobody has cocked up, but the fates have conspired to cause angst. Unless screaming, bitter arguments are your thing, just apologise. The quicker the better. Failure to do so will only result in more grief, louder voices and the need for heightened levels of grovelling when you do finally get round to it. And quite frankly, who needs the extra hassle?
Tears are bad
My fury, hatred, loathing, injustice and determination can all be wiped out with one simple sound: a girl sobbing. There's nothing worse. Teary eyes, snotty nose, mouth opened like a wet, desperate chasm; who could face it? Not me. At the first sniffle, the first tear, I am transformed into a Human Cuddling Machine, intent only on stroking hair and wiping cheeks until all is well with the world again. And then there's the post-weep analysis, when she curls up on the couch, mascara-smeared tissue in hand, sniffling and choking down dry sobs. Bugger that. Just don't make them cry in the first place.
Bribery
This is all about forward planning. If you've something planned that you know she's not going to be happy with, lay the foundations for the disappointment. The usual candidates (flowers, jewellery, anal beads) are all effective. Here's how the system works:
* Man discovers commitment looming on the horizon that Girl will not approve of;
* Man purchases gift well in advance, so that Girl thinks he is a Sweetheart;
* Some time later, Man tells Girl about said commitment. She is not too upset, since he is such a Sweetheart.
The key is in the timing. Dropping the bad news and the gift at the same time is too obvious a ploy, and can render your thoughtfulness redundant. Leave it too long, however, and she will forget about the gift, relegating you from Sweetheart to Inconsiderate Bastard status.
Female Intuition
They've all got it, so let her use it. Instead of complaining about things (bad day at work, headache, penile rash), just get on with it. Nobody likes a moaner. There's something heartening about being read by a girl, without having to spell it out. She'll sense there's something wrong, and more often than not her feminine wiles will restore all that is right with the world.
Appreciation
Dude, you've got a girlfriend. Do you know how marvellous that is? It doesn't matter if she's ugly, fat or frigid. There's still a girl with enough faith in you to commit to labeling one another. It's a hell of an achievement, and something to be cherished. Sometimes she might even let you have sex with her. Take her for granted at your peril.
User Reviews
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-04-24 20:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good read
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-04-22 16:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It isn't an achievement to get a girlfriend. There's a bum panhandling outside my office who has a girlfriend. They're fighting over a 40-ouncer right now.
Caul, I used to have a co-worker who had a fetish for images of plump Latina chicks crying. I thought that was so cool that I was going to do a black-velvet painting of one for him, but he got fired. I think he's a mortician now.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yup, those rules are pretty simple
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-21 23:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus. You are so fucking pussywhipped it's unbelievable. Still, this was an amazing insight into the mindset of the stereotypical pathetic wretch. Take these rules to heart and I guarantee you'll end up morosely divorced and broke.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.sourpatch.org
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-21 15:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU BELL.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-04-21 14:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Titus (user info) at 2008-04-21 13:40:46 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Language
Use the word 'cunt' a lot when you're with her, cunts love that
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Every bastards a cunt in my book.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2008-04-21 14:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laissez-faire indeed.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 13:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-21 17:13:12 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Unexpectedly good job.
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lol. That means he thinks you are shite usually.
Me too.
:)
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-21 13:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You forgot 9 and 10:
9. Grovel
Her: I'm going to leave you.
You: BUT WHY??!
Her: You're a complete doormat.
You: WHAT DO YOU MEAN??! I COMPLIMENT YOU AND LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!
Her: Exactly. Remember that time I slept with your brother and gave you crabs? And instead of beng mad, you told me how beautiful my eyes were? That was really pathetic. I can't respect you in any way, so I'm going to leave.
You: NOOOO!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY HIGHLANDER iPOD! MORE THAN MY DALEK COLLECTION!
Her: I'm gone.
You: PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE! I'LL GIVE YOU MY CREDIT CARD!
Her: I already maxed it out.
You: I'LL GIVE YOU MY LOVE!!! MY LIFE!!! MY BEATING HEART!!!!!!! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!!!!!!
Her: *slam*
Seem familiar? WELL YOU WOULD HAVE KEPT HER IF YOU HAD BEEN A LITTLE MORE PERSISTENT. Just think; how could you have degraded yourself even further? Did you wet yourself in trepidation? Did you offer yourself in indentured servitude? Maybe offer to give a horse a BJ if it turned her on? Well, then it's your own damned fault for having too much pride.
No girl for you.
10. Lower your Standards
Because the lower they are the more likely they are that you'll get someone, ANYONE, to take the loneliness away.
Hey, there was that girl on the internet you could have hooked up with. Okay, so she lived on the other side fo the country, and yeah, maybe "she" was really a 45 year old plumber named Joe John, but he PRETENDED to be a female for you, didn't he? Shouldn't you be looking at someone's soul, not their outlet baffle?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unexpectedly good job.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/3423
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Magnus Magnusson is not the brute you think he is.
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Review of the day.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Magnus Magnusson is not the brute you think he is.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn today is long. No longer than normal I grant you, but today just feels longer. Could be lack of sleep and an inbox so full that I could paper the sistine chapel, if they were inclined to do away with all that art they have on it at the moment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have an erection when my gf cries. fo real.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that is a slightly disturbing thought
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The picture is from a set on Flickr:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/maleficusv/sets/72157600054457363/
Some people don't seem keen on them, but I think they're awesome.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That picture could easily be an unusual man in ladies clothes.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is all kinds of badass.
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as long as you dont mean that literally. because that's not a bad ass.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is all kinds of badass.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"dirty sanchez"
"rodeo"
"Tenessee Whiskey"
"clown car"
"Alabama black snake"
"cheese whiz"
"Golden Shower"
"turkey baster"
Feel free to use any of them to keep your girlfriend coming back to you.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Man... When I'm 30 and ready to settle down all there's going to be is crazy white women and women who made real bad decisions that lead to having some other dude's babies.
This is yet another compelling reason to learn a second language.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I move to the house that from here on 'manipulative' will and can be reffered to under the banner heading 'crazy' except in circumstances where one wishes to specify the elements of 'crazy'.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm. most of this is decent starter kit advice, but don't apologize too often or you'll soon find that you're pussy whipped.
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There's another thing. Pussy Whipped.
Surely if you're with a woman who is basically pathalogically batshit crazy as to attempt to passive aggresivly (or otherwise) control you, then no amount of management or 'technique' is going to change the fact that she is pathalogically batshit crazy.
Surely a woman like that you'd just spunk in her, force a morning afterpill down her neck and then kick her out with a pair of soggy panties and a wad of bogroll in her hand.
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sometimes. if you start dating a girl you met at a bar after which you hooked up four times until it was time to go to work, you probably shouldnt date that girl.
but some guys in relationships become so dependant on their cum receptacles as a result of apologizing for things they didnt even do wrong, and sometimes when they dont even know what they are supposed to apologize for. if a girl can do that to a guy, she's more manipulative than crazy, i think. she might be crazy too actually.
either way, if you value your independence as a man, make her apologize for things every once in a while too. theyre not always right, no matter how many times they try to tell you they are. be warned.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm. most of this is decent starter kit advice, but don't apologize too often or you'll soon find that you're pussy whipped.
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There's another thing. Pussy Whipped.
Surely if you're with a woman who is basically pathalogically batshit crazy as to attempt to passive aggresivly (or otherwise) control you, then no amount of management or 'technique' is going to change the fact that she is pathalogically batshit crazy.
Surely a woman like that you'd just spunk in her, force a morning afterpill down her neck and then kick her out with a pair of soggy panties and a wad of bogroll in her hand.
Unless you like being pussy whipped of course. Either way the whole 'advice to avoid being pussy whipped' is kind of redundant.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm. most of this is decent starter kit advice, but don't apologize too often or you'll soon find that you're pussy whipped.
Submitted by Titus (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Language
Use the word 'cunt' a lot when you're with her, cunts love that
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Okay. Lets pretend that I am a mentalist. I feel nothing, I do not see other people as people. All of my interactions with other people are gleaned from books and little guides like this.
People aren't dim though. They know that when I speak to them it is scripted because everything is forced and unnatural.
Alright we'll cut the bullshit. This post in an excuse for you to say "This is how I am with women, isn't that rad?" rather than a serious guide for some nutter attempting to understand how to behave. Now I'm not going to say that's grotesquely egotistical but... actually no, that's exactly what I'm going to say.
I will say that if you want 'mad props' then you should continue writing your regular stuff but if you want it for who you are, then well...
You'll have to do a lot better than this.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
boioioioioioioioioioing
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(Her nipples are often very clearly visible through her t-shirts on the show, you fucking pervert).
:)
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This topic is a goldmine, but it's also well-tilled soil. It's harder to be funny on a topic that's been covered 91 million times. You didn't really come up with anything new, sorry.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 07:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It doesn't matter if she's ugly, fat or frigid.
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I'm all three.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 07:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really fancy that blonde chick out of 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter.
She has small boobies but delightful puffy nipples.
I haven't read this yet, I am a big fan of Hourman's dating stuff, so should be interesting.
And I hate the pic.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-21 07:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i agree yet i was barely entertained.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-21 07:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ubersite; Come for the writing, stay for the awesome advice on how to deal with chicks from guys with Real Dolls
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-21 07:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Far from your best. Plus, what the hell is with your Coca Cola coloured naked chick obsession?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-21 07:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes it is similar
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-04-21 07:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
have i just read a similar piece somewhere else :
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article3736523.ece