Girls, Cars, Beautiful Houses, And Other Things I Like To Be Inside Of (977 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.22 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Oly (View user info) at 2008-04-21 08:41:08 EDT
Hello Friends. Two items on the docket today. One poem, one story. It's been a long time since I've done any fiction writing. Since Ubermadness, in fact.
For the story, I used a line from Bickerstaff (this one: http://www.ubersite.com/m/109998) somewhere in there. I might have not used it if it werent for the fact that it was kind of what gave me the idea for the story.
A beautiful house on the crest of a hill.
Beckoning me in, its twin front balconies
seductive amongst their surroundings.
I scope the grounds for signs of possession.
Finding none, I smile as I approach
with the intention of spending the night.
The sprawling porch accepts me, beaming.
Knocking once, front door falls open.
The secrets it held come spilling out
And admit themselves to me, ready
To grab hold of the nearest body,
always willing, programmed to receive.
Perusing inside, I find the results of
years of neglect, abuse, and abandonment.
The home smells of mildew and decay.
Decrepit furniture litters the area.
Broken windows let the breeze through,
flipping the pages of tabloid magazines,
with which the bookcase is teeming.
Trash piles high in the corners of rooms,
old news scattered with prominence.
Used condoms in fecal-stained toilets.
I faced about, with the intention of flight.
Surely, another man will be received
By the gaping maw of this house tonight.
It could have been me, if only for looks,
But once inside: mind polluted, offended,
Battered with ferocity unforeseen.
A beautiful house—
A shame nobody's home.
Ok.
The Measure of Love
It got it used but still pretty new, and though I have owned cars before, I haven't ever felt as comfortable as I have with my Jeep. It has always run smoothly, and even a few of my friends have commented on how they wish their cars would run as well. I have never been able to imagine having to dump this car, let alone to imagine owning a different one some day. If the world was perfect, my car would last my entire life.
***
We were laying on a blanket on the grass at the park watching a meteor shower on an immaculately clear summer night, which I know is a huge fucking cliché, but it's what we were doing. Our fingers locked, the sweat of our palms betrayed the nervousness we both were trying too hard to cover up by lightly massaging the other's skin wherever we could reach it.
I stuck a finger from my free hand into her armpit and she giggled and smacked me on the forehead.
"The stars are so pretty tonight," she'd say, and I'd answer back, "Yeah, I love meteor showers."
Our eyes would meet and we would share another laugh and then look quickly back up at the sky, because we both knew that when we talked about the sky, we were talking about each other.
***
But as with any relationship, mine with my car isn't all made up of saccharine fluff. Problems keep piling up, and I suspect they've been there for longer than I've noticed them, and that I made myself willfully ignorant of their existence in an effort to keep up the illusion that everything was perfect. Lately, I have been harboring my personal, private dissatisfaction with my Jeep; little indicators that the end is closer than the beginning:
+ The blown-out speakers I don't have the desire or drive to replace. I usually can't stand hearing the crackling noise they make, but I can't drive in silence so I do my best to tune it out.
+ Oil leaks—a recent development.
+ High gas prices. For every day they rise, I find myself eyeing cars with better gas mileage on an increasingly frequent basis.
+ Grinding in the front right wheel well. I fear that if I don't get this one fixed soon, the brakes will either fail or lock up, either of which would undoubtedly result in a horrible collision and somebody will end up dead.
***
In post-coital embrace, we told each other the lies that we desperately wanted to believe and hoped would someday be told in earnest.
"I feel so protected in your arms," she said.
I thought: "Seriously bitch? Protected from what, exactly? Like if you were ever the victim of a shark attack I wouldn't watch over my fleeing fucking shoulder? Are you kidding me?"
I said: "I love you, baby, and I'll always be there for you."
The contours of her cheek showed the dimples of a tight smile and she pulled my arm tighter around her. I thought about what it would be like to really fall in love.
"Have you ever thought about what it would be like to get married?" she asked.
"What, to you?"
"Oh, well, no. I meant at all. But, like, what if we were to get married some day?"
"Wow. I don't know. At least we'd make some pretty babies."
I thought: "Shit."
***
Why is sorrow the measure of love? Like, what the fuck are we thinking that we judge the worth of a relationship by how wrecked we are once it's over? Our heartbreak at the finish must always outweigh our desire in the beginning and our disinterest somewhere in the middle.
And no matter what you do, no matter how badly you fuck up, the sorrow you feel looking at the mangled mass in front of you is nothing compared to the immensity of your gratitude for somehow making it out alive.
The police officer squinted at me, an eyebrow raised and the corner of his mouth curled upward. "You repeat that?"
"Yeah, I mean, we were just driving and everything was going good, and the brakes just locked up on me out of nowhere. Front right side, and I was going too fast to control it, and we hit the curb and flipped."
He wrote in his pad as I talked and when we were finished I thanked him. He shouted something else from his car before taking off but I'd just realized something.
I turned to her and watched for a moment as she examined her pedicured toenails.
"Baby, we need to talk."
-fin-
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-22 01:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She's right actually. You look about 17 in that picture.
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you two arent very far off. im 19 i think in this picture.
and there's this special thing i do called not showering ever that makes my skin silky smooth.
---
So how old are you? If you dont mind me asking...
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i turned 22 in February. My head is still shaved and I still have beautiful skin, except lately i've been rocking a beard to cover this double chin thing.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-21 18:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sobriety sucks
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-21 18:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Incredibly LONELY fag below.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-21 17:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fag below.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-21 17:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmmmm....I always thought that you were a dude.
After reading this, obviously, I was wrong.
SORRY!
PS. SHOW ME YOUR HOLE.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We'd make some pretty babies.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.sourpatch.org
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She's right actually. You look about 17 in that picture.
-----
you two arent very far off. im 19 i think in this picture.
and there's this special thing i do called not showering ever that makes my skin silky smooth.
---
So how old are you? If you dont mind me asking...
Enjoyed the poem and the story more so
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! I'm sober at LEAST half the time I'm on here!
In all seriousness I've been so busy with school that I've had to make sacrifices in my life. Among the worst decisions I've made recently is the one where I stopped drinking so much and kept on spending too much time on Ubersite.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, +2 for being sober. For once. :)
(I mean you).
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thoroughly enjoyed the story
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU WON THE FIGHT GSP!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its like that joke that one guy did
What? A free lunch and no clean up?! Does life get any better? I submit that it does not!
Yeah, it's like that, except instead of lunch it's a poop that doesn't get caught in anything.
I also recommend baby wipes. They leave you feeling refreshed in ways you never thought possible, but I still haven't found a proper way to dispose of them. Flushing isn't the best option.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They say that going for a dump the day after you shave your arsehole is a life changing experience.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
trimmed the bushes. of course i didnt DO the bush. thats just asking for trouble
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i do have razorburn in my asscrack right now if you are interested berty
ok thats not true
i did the bushes this morning though. i hedged the hog. i cut the carpet. parted ways with the pubes as they say.
true story.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought i had razorburn on my chin so i was going to point that out but it was actually just crud on my screen so i wiped it off.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it holy! There's no way I can work a hairy asshole joke into that statement!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She's right actually. You look about 17 in that picture.
-----
you two arent very far off. im 19 i think in this picture.
and there's this special thing i do called not showering ever that makes my skin silky smooth.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MudWhistle is gay.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I reckon he uses a special cream to make his face shiny. Probably called 'American Humidity' and a side effect is that it retards hair growth.
That would also explain why he is bald so young.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She's right actually. You look about 17 in that picture.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your poem.
You look very young there.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jokes on you homos
thats not even me
ok yes it is :(
filename says it all :(:(:(:(
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude you look like george st pierre of the ultimate fighter.
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Only way gayer.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You'd look cool as an old guy, it's about the shape of your face, but right now you just look like a moron.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-21 09:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude you look like george st pierre of the ultimate fighter.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, I know what you mean. I just thought it was the only interesting way to tie these together and pander to the lowest common denominator uberusers at the same time :(
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck is that yellow shit next to my eye? i've seen that on pictures before (not just my own) and i have no idea what's going on with that. is it just the camera? i've never seen anybody walking around with that yellow raccoon effect except for in pictures.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, so I don't have the patience to read any of this. My problem there, not yours.
I must say though that whenever I read about some dude saying "I want to be inside a woman" I always get this mental image of a dude forcing his head up some bird's cunny. The face is all showing through the skin around her pubic bone and it's all "MURRRRRRGGGHHH".
Monstrous.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-21 08:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Y HALO THAR BUTTSECKS!