5 Stupidly simple rules for remaining single (909 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2008-04-21 10:26:38 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116240
Or.............
I may not know much about girls, probably as I am a twisted little git whose only interaction with 'Real' females has been my mother and my sisters, mix that with my inability to count to 10 and you have my, truncated, list of generalisations about the females amongst us. Seeing as quite a lot of them are 'Genuine Females' it makes them pretty hard to predict, which actually makes this post not only half arsed but also rather pointless as you rarely find 2 the same anyway. A line of dirty sweaty one night stands and some serious time spent with Madam Fist and her 5 dirty sisters makes me a brilliant and inspiring choice to listen to with regards the female psyche.
Come delve in and discover all those things that you already knew anyway about the lovely world of women.
P.S This information is not only crap but also a shit waste of your time. You may want to find something else to do for 2 minutes. Onanism is always a good option as you should already be pretty adept at that.
No honestly I mean it there really is nothing of worth here.
IGNORE
Some chaps would say ignore them and you may get their interests piqued and eventually end up having sexy time. This of course is bullshit. Any man worth his salt knows that to ignore a woman is not a wise move and can actually lead to serious physical impairment, depending on the boxing weight of your lady. The best thing here is to engage her in conversation and keep talking at her. Just don't stop. Keep going I tell you. This way you have shown that you are a good communicator and that you hold her in high regard. The other plus side of this is that she will get so sick of you that she will leave you and you will be able to get back to the good old days of whacking one off whenever you feel the need into a musty old sock.
Result!
Compliments
Again some of the other chaps would say that you need to pay them lots of compliments. This is a fallacy and should be disregarded straight away. If you are paying them anything it makes them a whore and you run the risk of being arrested and ending up in prison with a fat balding tattooed guy who likes to call you 'Sweetie'. Also avoid putting them down as this can have physical repercussion too. Best not enter into the tricky world of compliments or put downs, best to just retire to your room and take out 'Busty Juggs Cum Guzzlers' again.
Result!
Lazy Fuck (weird French type word), or Casual as it can be known.
This is all about letting them do what they want when they want to. Go ahead read that again. Here let me help you by copy pasting it. This is all about letting them do what they want when they want to. WOW!! Like they aren't going to do that anyway. Personally if you feel that 'You' are in complete charge, and they will do whatever you want, then you probably also think you have a great penis and all the ladies are queuing up for a bite. Best to bite the bullet and go into the bathroom stare long and hard into the mirror and have a good old tug whilst staring into the eyes of the most beautiful thing in your life.
Result!
Apologise
Now some would say apologise for everything and anything. Of course if you are into nappy play and like being dragged around on a lead then go ahead. There is also a line that says never apologise as it's a sign of weakness. Both of these are bollocks and will lead to a life of misery and pain. Best just shut the door to your room and cut your balls off with a rusty spoon, yes a spoon.
Result!
Bribery.
Oh yes what an absolute corker we have here. You have managed to find yourself in the company of a real life female. In order to keep her you have decided that you will bribe her with gifts and shit like that; rather than man up and act like a decent human being who fulfils her emotional and physical need, as she does for you. If you are going to go down this route then at least make the bribe a good one and get her a dildo/vibrator/male escort/small island of her choice, so she can at least have some fun whilst you retire to the bathroom again to have a quickie over what an amazing man you are.
Result!
As I said the list is truncated and I'm now done. The best thing to do if you want a long and wonderful time with a female is probably to get a good pump and a puncture repair kit, because if you're looking on the internet for help then you really are lost already.
Until next time when we discuss 'Wow I just had actual sex with a Girl: The tale of Robert and his trip to Thailand and the pending court case.'
Now the only thing that remains is:
User Reviews
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-04-22 03:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bad taste putting hurt's mom in latex here...
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-21 23:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.sourpatch.org
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You are a fucking asshole. You are such a fucking asshole. Fuck you. FUCK YOU! Asshole.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-21 20:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-21 21:43:48 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaand of course I clicked that
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Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-21 21:30:02 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.sourpatch.org
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I did :( foolishly
________________
Tell someone there are a over a billion stars in the sky and they will smile, nod and except it. If later that day that same person walks by a bench with a wet paint sign on it, they will have to touch the bench.....
I am that person.
Further more, the contractor decided to pick that exact moment to wake up and get a glass of water.
p.s. Good post.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-21 17:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew not to click that link. I knew it as well as I know my name.
I clicked it anyway. I'm stupid.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-21 21:43:48 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaand of course I clicked that
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Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-21 21:30:02 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.sourpatch.org
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I did :( foolishly
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaand of course I clicked that
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-21 16:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.sourpatch.org
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-21 13:42:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
awesome dude
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-21 13:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More informative than the original
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds to me like you masturbate A LOT...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-21 12:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Parody auto +2.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice humour parodying a shitty post.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-04-21 11:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ignore works.
There is a bitch at work that wants me... I go to lunch with her from time to time so that I can look at her tits and arse. I almost always say yes when she asks.
Today I told her 'no'
She mailed me tons of times and rung me up three times literally begging me to go.
Strange.
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theres nothing strange about it. shes not going to fuck you, she just wants you to pay attention to her. then when you do, she'll go back to being 'friends'.
give her a roofie daquiri and fuck her in the arse.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thick women always get a plus two from me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it has to be said that that body isn't all that bad. Attatch a pretty face to it and well...
Funny little parody.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
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Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Lover
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That picture is nasty.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-04-21 10:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ignore works.
There is a bitch at work that wants me... I go to lunch with her from time to time so that I can look at her tits and arse. I almost always say yes when she asks.
Today I told her 'no'
She mailed me tons of times and rung me up three times literally begging me to go.
Strange.