“if you fail to plan, then plan to fail” (452 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-04-21 21:54:29 EDT
My boss tells me this morning that she needs to speak with me later. I immediately wonder which client and/or staff member I offended this time. Not because I need to apologize. Not because I feel a need to make amends. This is my first thought because this is my status quo. Someone is always blaming me for his or her damaged ego because their own issues. I am the convenient excuse for low self esteem and a general inability to exist in the same realm of reality as the rest of us.
It's amazing how rapists, wife beaters, child molesters, drugs dealers, and murders can destroy lives with their antisocial, sociopathic behaviors but when they meet a counselor in prison that knows how to use "fuck" and its numerous variations as every possible part of speech they suddenly become more sensitive than Dr. Phil on estrogen. Honest to God, I have been written up for "excessive swearing" as a counselor in a medium security state prison. Think about it all you want but there is no possible way to create a reality in which logic can be applied to that situation. Some pedophile can molest a 6 year old girl unable to defend herself or even comprehend what is happening but God forbid someone use colorful language.
Bring back the electric charge. But until them, I will be sparking them personally. A modern day Inquisition.
My boss catches up with me after lunch and says she wants me to go out of town to a conference for a couple days next week. Instead of being reprimanded I am being rewarded. As I ask for more details about the trip I can already taste the whiskey and cigarettes which have become hallmarks of conferences I attend. I can already smell the cheap perfume of some chick with a hangover lying next to me naked. If my life had a theme song it would be "Girls, Girls, Girls".
These trips serve several purposes. The meetings during the day are totally devoid of anything that could prove useful in my professional capacity, but they do get me more hours to turn in towards licensing requirements. These trips also provide me with opportunities to practice my text messaging skills. But most of all, the trips allow me the opportunity to use the internet for what Al Gore had originally built it for: having fun. It's not always about getting laid or drunk. Who wants to sit in a hotel room all evening watching VH1?
I have several profiles on dating sites. I keep them inactive and unsearchable until it is time to prepare for a conference. I change my location to that of my conference and I immediately begin looking within a 5 mile radius of where I will be staying and slowly expand out to a maximum of 12 miles.
My profiles get all the right kinds of attention. I use the right words and I have the right pictures. I have perfected my craft by studying dating gurus and pick up artists to insure my success. When I send out messages to potential stories to tell my friends, I use the techniques mentioned and find a great deal of success. I don't message each female with a profile. I am selective, staying away from the ones that specifically mention not wanting a one night stand . You can tell from the kind of pictures and how much information they provide about themselves as to what it is they are looking for. When one commits to meeting up for a drink, I study their information. Do they smoke? Do they have kids? Are they divorced or separated? All this is very important information if you want to get laid or at the very least have someone to hang out with while in town for a few days. I also save a picture of them on my cell phone for visual confirmation when we meet.
As my trip gets closer, I schedule several meetings at bars near where I will be staying. The list of bars is generated by typing in the address of the hotel I will be using as a base of operations for my whoring into a search engine. I locate all local bars, restaurants, and coffee shops. I print out maps of the area with locations marked.
My high school guidance counselor always said "if you fail to plan, then plan to fail". He had no clue how powerful those words were. Then again, his wife was pretty ugly. Maybe he did know after all.
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-22 13:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dear Ubersite,
Pls validate my heterosexuality (attached) sos I can get free parking.
Love,
Jammy
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-22 07:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I really liked the idea of this, love the whoring search engine. Was just getting into it.
But why finish so quickly?
P.E???? 2 thrust wonder? Captian cumquick?
Write a proper fucking story!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-22 00:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nicely written, but God damn it--you fuckers in the prison-industrial complex are breaking the bank. I hope you get the clap at your conference.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-04-21 22:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this should have been about darko's ratings.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-21 22:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this should have been about planned parenthood