Like hell I cant do erotica. (1347 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.84 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2008-04-22 11:04:52 EDT
Helga heard the doorbell go as she was drying the Cucumber. She cursed slightly and gently placed it in the substantial rack. She walked out of the kitchen and sashayed towards the door. Opening it, just a crack, she saw a blonde haired man with a marvellous moustache. His torso was muscular and seemed to be trying to burst forth from the small wife beater top he was wearing, the presence of the straps from his short dungarees were struggling to retain them.
Helga threw the door wide and leant against the doorframe with one leg bent and her generous bosoms thrust forwards. She believed this was the best way to show off her fine legs and figure in her white dressing gown.
"Guten Mogen Fraulein. Eye ahm Peter the Plumb man"
"Cut Cut Cut. For Christ sake Günter how many times do we have to do this scene? You are not a 'Plumb Man' for fuck sake you are a 'Plumber'. Right everyone we will cut back to Helga opening the door. Günter, are you going to be okay this time?"
"Ya! Plumb Her."
"Good enough. Okay? Helga, sweety, please stop doing that. Thank you. Now close the door and we shall go from you opening it again."
Helga opened the door and saw the blonde haired man before her. Resting her back against the door frame she thrust forth her bosoms to their full glory and allowed her dressing gown to open slightly.
"Guten Morgen Fraulein. Eye ahm Peter the Plumb Her. I ahm her to survice ure Pipes."
"Oh. You caught me by surprise. I was in the kitchen making sure my vegetables were clean before I swallowed them."
"Ya. Ist gut Ya?"
Helga steps aside and allows the large blonde man to enter the house."
"My, you are so big."
"Ya! Mein familien all big. We make fuck now?"
"Cut! Günter, please you have to follow her through to the kitchen where she shows you the pipes. Again people from him entering."
"My you are so big."
"Ya! I must C ure popes now!"
Helga leads the strapping man through to the kitchen. She goes to the sink and opens the cupboard by her feet. She bends over with straight legs and peers at the big brute whilst fluttering her eyes.
"Here are my pipes young man. I have to admit that these pipes have been getting me soooo wet. You must forgive me as I go and change into something more appropriate, you caught me by surprise."
"Ya! I have Plung-Her in my sack. I Plough your holes."
"Okay and Cut! Good. Right Günter stay there for a moment. Helga, sweety, put the cucumber down for now. Wardrobe put Helga in the lacy underwear. Makeup if you could throw some water on Günter please, make it look like the pipe burst. Good, good. Now Günter when we start again you need to take your shirt off Okay?"
"Ya."
"Okay then Helga will come in wearing her new stuff okay?"
"Ya I fill her."
"Okay good. Right guys, is Helga ready?"
"Boss?"
"Yes Günter?"
"Cock it soft. Fluff?"
"Okay. Get the Fluffer in here."
(A few moments later)
"Okay we good to go? Günter let the fluffer go please. Günter! Let her go now."
"Ya."
"Okay and ready? And action."
Peter kneels on the floor covered in water. He slowly removes each strap of his dungarees before ripping his t-shirt off at the neck.
"Cut! Günter? What was that?"
"Taking top off!"
"Why did you rip it? There was no need to rip it. It's coming out of your pay Günter."
"Pay?"
"Okay. Roll again."
Helga enters the kitchen, now wearing black lacy underwear with stockings and suspenders. She looks at Peter and goes over to him, stroking his wet chest.
"You look all wet, it gets me wet too. We should get you out of these wet things and let you slip into something nice and warm."
"Ya. Wet! Ure Popes spurt on me. Here is my cock."
"I give up. I really give up. Just do your own thing. Christ how do they find these guys? Günter?"
"Ya."
"Please follow the script. Okay lets try another part and come back to this bit. Maybe if we let him cum he will be able to focus. Okay. Helga sweety, could you go over to the worktop and lean over it please. Makeup? Could you throw some water in Helga's hair like she has been sweating? Tousle her hair and smear her make up a bit please. Helga, sweety, if you pull your knickers to one side please. Right Günter I want you to go over to Helga and wank yourself off over her arse, okay?"
"Cum now?"
"Yes cum! On her arse okay?"
"Ya! Slap cock in face?"
"Maybe in a moment. Lets get it smeared on her butt first."
"Ya."
"Okay guys everyone in position. Oh! Helga, sweety, shove the cucumber up your arse now please?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-24 12:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was genuinely amusing, and the picture at the end clinched it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-23 06:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You said my contest was boring. Kind of :)
I don't know, I can't please you virgins, you are all too fussy.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-23 06:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always knew your talents were wasted. Go make a fortune writing cheap porn.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-23 04:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-23 01:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm... Whatever Drogo.
--
What??
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-23 01:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm... Whatever Drogo.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-22 22:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO FLYERS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-22 19:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-22 17:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know who i cannot STAND?!? jenna haze. but i loved this post.
===
Her teeth annoy me.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-04-22 18:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/Sinistral/l/awesome
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-22 17:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know who i cannot STAND?!? jenna haze. but i loved this post.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-04-22 16:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I oddly wanted to masturbate over the picture.
Is that just perverted, or is this just Ubersite taking its toll?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-22 16:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. just, wtf.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fine work
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-22 14:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to admit this made me wet. Mostly from spewing coffee out my nose. :( You owe me a new keyboard, asshat.
--
I have a spare one if you want it, but it may be a bit sticky I mainly use if for my 'Sexy Time' in front of the computer due to my repugnant appearance and lack of confidense talking to the ladies.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously though, be sure to douse it in bactine before sending it to:
That Odd New Kid who Wears Shirts
You Know, the One on the Corner with the Hot Redhead Wife
Middle of the Fucking Sticks, Minnesota 55055
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-22 13:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-04-22 13:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-22 13:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-04-22 12:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-04-22 12:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ya. Wet! Ure Popes spurt on me. Here is my cock."
HA
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-22 12:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Ahh so he uses it on the ladies? Surely it would be easier just to...? Oh never mind.
===
He swears he's never used it on anyone. It really is a plunger, but it just LOOKS so obvious'y phallic and sextoyish.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-22 12:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-04-22 12:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, nicely done
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got as far as "Gunter" and started laughing.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to admit this made me wet. Mostly from spewing coffee out my nose. :( You owe me a new keyboard, asshat.
--
I have a spare one if you want it, but it may be a bit sticky I mainly use if for my 'Sexy Time' in front of the computer due to my repugnant appearance and lack of confidense talking to the ladies.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to admit this made me wet. Mostly from spewing coffee out my nose. :( You owe me a new keyboard, asshat.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A really entertaining take on Uberotica!
Love it!
Ended a bit soon though.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glad I have written my last entry. It was fun but three erotic tales such a short time fairly takes it out of you.
My wrist is killing me, the underside of my desk is all sticky, and my mum keeps telling me to stop wiping my nose on my trousers.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Last night while watching the Flyers game, I discovered that my friend has a 'sink plunger' in his bathroom with a handle that looks EXACTLY like a glass dildo. This wouldn't be so funny if he weren't about the only homophobic close friend I have. I teased him incessantly. He offered to prove both its use and his heretosexuality in one fell swoop. I chose to laugh at him some more instead.
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Ahh so he uses it on the ladies? Surely it would be easier just to...? Oh never mind.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
uh huh
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In that case, this sucked.
*cowers behind orphelia*
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Dont worry, that's pretty much why I gave up rating yours. hehehehe
That and I got seriously bored of reading pseudo erotica in a major way.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In that case, this sucked.
*cowers behind orphelia*
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Last night while watching the Flyers game, I discovered that my friend has a 'sink plunger' in his bathroom with a handle that looks EXACTLY like a glass dildo. This wouldn't be so funny if he weren't about the only homophobic close friend I have. I teased him incessantly. He offered to prove both its use and his heretosexuality in one fell swoop. I chose to laugh at him some more instead.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just found it tough to read, but since you called me on it I'll drop you a +2 in case you thump me.
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Fear not Flash. Critisimsmsmsmsmsms is always accepted. I thump nothing, apart from the obvious.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just found it tough to read, but since you called me on it I'll drop you a +2 in case you thump me.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hellish
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Pray why?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We make sandwich, I am meat.
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Heh, I'm gonna write that down. That's funny.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hellish
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Charming.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We make sandwich, I am meat.
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MMM I have rash in fridge ya?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-22 11:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We make sandwich, I am meat.