Don't Trust Anything that Bleeds Five Days a Month and Doesn't Die (296 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -1.26 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2008-04-22 14:57:07 EDT
Forget all this: 8 Simple Rules for Dating a Girl (http://www.ubersite.com/m/116240). And this: 5 Stupidly simple rules for remaining single (http://www.ubersite.com/m/116243).
There is only one rule to remember regarding the female of the species:
1. Don't trust anything that bleeds five days a month and doesn't die.
As a self-taught evolutionary biologist, I can assure you this is sound advice. Millions of years of Darwinian evolution have endowed the female homo sapiens with the ability to control her own emotions as easily as you and I switch channels on the television. This ability, as insidious as it seems, was necessary to offset the male's superior physical strength. Nature, as you know, loves a balance.
In addition, the process of sexual selection favored those males who were susceptible to a woman's emotions. Males most easily manipulated by the female's histrionics stood the best chance of reproducing, thereby passing their susceptibility on to their offspring. Thus, the male's brute force was balanced by his genetically dictated sympathy for a weeping female. In this way, nature maintained a delicate balance of power between the genders.
Fast forward to the present time. The male's superior physical prowess no longer works in his favor. Laws prohibit him from applying his only defense against the female's wiles. He now stands helpless against her.
To make matters worse, evolution also ensured that females are inherently irrational. What rational being would ever consent to becoming pregnant? Only irrational females reproduced, passing their irrational genes on to their offspring.
The modern Western male, then, is faced with a perfect storm. He is programmed to be susceptible to the female's faux emotions. Society has neutralized his superior physical strength. And he is genetically driven to suffer any expense or humiliation in order to copulate. Is it any wonder he's nothing more than a puppet, dancing on the strings of a genetically irrational puppet master?
Knowledge is power. Never believe a woman's emotions.
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
bitterness bores me
get a lap dance
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Sage advice right here.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
CELEBRATE THE SHIFT KEY ON APRIL 22. EVERYBODY IN CAPITAL LETTERS!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ME TOO - ONLY I"M HOLDING THE SHIFT DOWN BECAUSE IT'S FAR FAR MORE GONE THAN JUST CAPS LOCK!
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Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-22 12:08:53 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn Sacrilicious, for a dude you sure do know a lot about being a chick
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LEARNED THE ABOVE FROM METHOD'S MOM
I'M HAVING A CAPS LOCK SORT OF DAY
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
meh.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT SHLONGY GIVES A FUCK.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For everyday I bled and every labor pain I had.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it was Rosanne Barr who said PMS was the one time of month she could be herself.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NOW WHY DON'T YOU FUCK RIGHT OFF OR I'LL GET ALL DONITA SPARKS ON YOU
hahahahahaha
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn Sacrilicious, for a dude you sure do know a lot about being a chick
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LEARNED THE ABOVE FROM METHOD'S MOM
I'M HAVING A CAPS LOCK SORT OF DAY
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn Sacrilicious, for a dude you sure do know a lot about being a chick
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HOW DARE YOU FUCKING ACT LIKE WOMEN ARE ALL MANIPULATIVE BITCHES WHO DON'T HAVE REAL FEELINGS
YOU TRY HAVING THE ONLY BREAK IN 5-DAY BLEEDING EXTRAVAGANZAS COMING IN THE FORM OF CARRYING ANOTHER PERSON INSIDE YOUR FUCKING BODY FOR 9 MONTHS
PMS IS REAL, MEN ARE ASSHOLES, AND THIS POST MIGHT HAVE BEEN FUNNY IF YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WROTE THE ONLY FUNNY LINE WHICH WAS THE TITLE
NOW WHY DON'T YOU FUCK RIGHT OFF OR I'LL GET ALL DONITA SPARKS ON YOU
-2 DIE, ETC ETC
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't worry and be sad. One day you too shall get your cherry popped. Just be patient.
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Is that a proposition?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:04:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nine actually, you're the tenth and you're NOT me, so the numbers are a little skewed
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is about as ridiculous as the militant feminists get!
Don't worry and be sad. One day you too shall get your cherry popped. Just be patient.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There are only ten people on Ubersite and they are all Method
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
bitterness bores me
get a lap dance
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-22 15:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's seven days, if you're going to plagiarize from a comedy legend, do it right you fucking mushmouth