Happy Birthday to Me (or Things I have Learned in 24 Years) (18166 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: b.a.w.
Rating: 1.79 on 81 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Drake Smells Like one Too! (View user info) at 2008-04-23 11:13:20 EDT
Today is my birthday. Yay me.
But aside from that, I feel I can reach out to the maybe 14 people here younger than myself, and maybe teach them something. (Like the more commas you use in a sentence, the smarter you look. Even if they don't belong there.) I think I have learned a thing or two in my day. Some of these things you may know, and some you may not have known. Either way, I feel it is my solemn duty (or maybe it's just a slow day at work) to share my knowledge learned thusfar.
So without further ado..adieu...adu...stalling; I present to you
10 THINGS I LEARNED IN TWENTY FOUR YEARS
(I was going to do twenty-four, but Jesus....this takes a while when you have a headache)
1. Women can get pregnant even if you pull out in time.
I know it sounds like a bunch of malarchy but it is true. I know. Apparently there's this stuff called "pre-cum" that is pretty effective at swimming up to the uterus or wherever sperm goes. I should have probably known this already, considering the name denotes the presence of sperm, but alas I was blissfully ignorant. The good news is though that it worked out and I have an awesome daughter who is in the last leg of potty training now. (no more pull up messes). SO yeah, if you don't want kids. Wear a rubber.
2. Your reaction time is much slower when you are drunk.
Two weeks ago I was in a fight at the bar. It was nothing too serious (for the other guy), but he put his hands on a lady and where I come from that is a no-no. So I promptly told him where he could go (it involves fucking himself) and swung for the fences. I put all my might into the bruce lee-like punch of death. Unfortunately, I am not bruce lee and I think the other guy can attest to that. While I was putting so much effort into making my punch as mighty as I could, I neglected to aim, or hide my attack. I missed by a mile and wound up with a lump on my head the next day that hadn't been there previously. Thankfully, he knew he was in the wrong for doing that to the girl so he spared the ass-beating that was so obviously coming my way.
3. NEVER try to change a drunk's mind.
You will not succeed. You will lose. You will wind up frustrated. Don't try to convince them you are right. Don't even try to compromise. Even if you agree with them, you are still wrong. You will hear the following: "you jusht don' geddit man, I KNOW about this, man. no...NO, YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG! come here, no no come here, man for one second..." etc. etc. Even if you agree with them, you will be wrong. Best to stick to nodding your head and finding an opportunity to walk away.
4. Too many pillows on a guys bed makes him look fruity.
Seriously. Unless you're married and have no choice, the most amount of pillows you can have on your bed is three. And if you have a twin bed, limit that to two, then kill yourself. Grow up and buy a queen size, or at least a double. Twin beds are made for one person for a reason.
5. If you fry Spam long enough, it tastes just like bacon.
No joke, it really does. I was unemployed from December to February and things got tight, but I always had Spam and Ramen noodles. if you fry Spam to a burnt crisp, you can fool yourself into thinking you're eating crispy bacon. And I don't mind telling you, I actually enjoyed it once or twice.
6. Orange soda Kicks grape soda's ASS!
Orange soda: Tasty, citrus-y, quenches your thirst, tastes good during a hangover, just bubbly enough. Every Soda-Pop company makes a variety of it.
Grape soda: disgusting, syrupy, no carbonation, does NOT quench thirst, turns your poop green and has an aftertaste of watery Robitussin. Plus, it will make you vomit if you drink it durning a hangover. Thumbs down, baby!
7. Working out once a month gives you no results whatsoever.
I was deluded enough to think that if I put a set of barbells in my living room that I would use them. I didn't. Until one day when I just started pumping iron like...like...something that pumps a lot of iron. And I felt GREAT! That is, until the next morning when I could barely move a muscle in my whole body. "are you kidding" I thought to myself. "this working out stuff is for the birds" I thought directly after my previous thought. So I waited until all the burning and soreness went away, (somebody better make a herpes joke here) then decided to work out again. This went on for maybe 6 months. I have not gained or lost a pound and my arms are no bigger, and my 6 pack is , well, let's just say less than defined. If you really want to get ripped, just hire chuck norris to be your master for a month or something...like on sidekicks. Oh, that reminds me...
8. "Sidekicks" is a badass movie.
Jonathan Brandis, Check. Some bald, Asian guy, Check. Winnie Cooper, Check. Chuck Norris, NUCLEAR CHECK! This is a movie you must watch if you haven't already. It's the perfect movie to watch on a sunday afternoon when someone asks "so what do you wanna do anyway, dude? (or dude-ette if you are of the female persuasion) You answer "LET'S FUCKING WATCH SIDEKICKS 8 TIMES IN A ROW. THEN LIFT SOMETHING HEAVY!"
9. Ass-kissing is a Valuable...*ahem* asset.
I am an ass kisser like nobody's business. Do you think you can kiss ass as well as I can. WRONG. NO ONE is as good of an ass kisser as me. I get in there with big, pouty lips, but I don't just go for the hole, I whisper to it first, then I blow on it a little and finally, when the ass can't take it anymore, I kiss the fuck out of it. If you think you can schmooze like me than you are full of shit and lying to yourself. I was selling cars a few months ago and I left the sunroof open on a brand new 2008 GMC Yukon Denali. A fucking 60,000 SUV. Within an hour, a thunderstorm had hit, and flooded the fucker with inches upon inches of water. Did I get fired, no. Because I rule at ass kissing.
10. Maybe...just maybe, My parents were right.
It's hard to explain this one. But all the shit they used to say to me growing up like "you'll understand when you get older" and "Not this time, bud. You're just not ready" and "if you keep doing that, you'll go blind".
All the little bits of advice growing up that seemed so unfair and dumb might have been right afterall. I still refuse to believe, however, that my father climbed Mount Everest, Fought a Grizzly Bear to the death with his bare hands or even his remarkable claim of walking 10 miles to school everyday. Barefoot. In three feet of snow. Uphill. Both ways. No no. BILL COSBY did that. Not my dad.
I hope you have learned something, or at least had a laugh at my expense. Until next year...
adieu...ado....adue....Goodbye.
User Reviews
Submitted by beckig1983 (user info) at 2009-04-19 13:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-12 16:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-18 09:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
STFU N00b
Submitted by caricature19 (user info) at 2008-06-17 20:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i kiss ass better :)
Submitted by Tanatic (user info) at 2008-05-19 05:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
;)
Submitted by PMN (user info) at 2008-05-15 14:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-05-13 13:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1. Women can get pregnant even if you pull out in time.
===================
Um, yeah.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-05 11:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite was the line about Sidekicks x8 and lifting something heavy.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2008-04-29 03:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good posting. Everyone can learn from this.
Sir, kudos to you.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-26 12:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-25 21:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-04-25 18:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel weird being older than people on Ubersite.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2008-04-25 13:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is for "NUCLEAR CHECK". I spit milk out my nose when I got to that part.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-04-25 12:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
b@wsome!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It took you 24 years to figure out fucking causes babies? Well done!
==========
Thanks?
I skipped health class, okay?!?!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never use condoms, always pull out *just* in the nick of time.
Shit. Maybe I'm infertile.
Oh well, bareback for life.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It took you 24 years to figure out fucking causes babies? Well done!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no need to mention the herpes...I am constantly reminded by the burning pee and open sores.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, I want to rip you for something, maybe the Herpes, or not.
Fuck it.
Nice post.
Submitted by chitowngirl (user info) at 2008-04-25 01:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pffffffft. try returning a text.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-04-25 01:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've used the withdrawal method for probably 80% of the sex I've had in the past three and a half years and never gotten pregnant. I just have AIDS.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-04-24 17:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why not.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-24 09:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i too expected 1 and 2 to meet up.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-24 08:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2008-04-24 08:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were heading for a +1 for a while there, but your awesome ass-kissing skills swung it.
L.O.L.
----------
Have I told you lately how young and fit you look.
</pucker>
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2008-04-24 08:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were heading for a +1 for a while there, but your awesome ass-kissing skills swung it.
L.O.L.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-24 08:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Greatest felicitations
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-24 07:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-04-23 20:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At any rate, good advice, although I really was hoping to see you link #1 and #2 together.
-----
I nearly toppled over when I re-read #1 & #2 again.
Great advice!
Submitted by zajebisty (user info) at 2008-04-24 02:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W Congrats. Bullshit artist afficionado
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2008-04-24 00:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good mixture of serious and silly. #7 gave me a decent-sized belly laugh.
HBD.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-24 00:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happy birthday drake
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-23 23:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
5. If you fry Spam long enough, it tastes just like bacon.
----------------------------------------------------------
And there's no shame in doing it. Hell, I don't even need to be unemployed to fry Spam.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-04-23 20:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drake!
Wow, you're only 24? I thought you to be much older.
At any rate, good advice, although I really was hoping to see you link #1 and #2 together.
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-04-23 18:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happy birthday, good advice
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-23 17:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
how interesting
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-04-23 17:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss your illustrated posts.
PS It's not grape sode, it's purple drank. And you have to say -ank or else it's just grape juice.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-04-23 16:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you forgot that both orange and grape soda turn your poop an interesting color if you drink enough.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just read some of your stuff val, and I gotta say the feelings are mutual.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i love you.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very entertaining.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Try crushing the ramen up in the packet and sprinkling the powder on them...then eat them dry.
the beautiful part is, instead of getting hungry later, you just get fuller as the hours go by.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i am 22 and ive just realized how much of a lifesaver ramen noodles are, but i try to mix soup in every once in a while.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I mean YAY you....beh
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No go YOU rob! Yeah!!!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay YOU!
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-23 14:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Birthday
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not all just good looks lishy.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow..I didn't actually expect to find such sage advice herein.
Happy Birthday!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Drake: Another Victim of POOT
----
and how!
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-23 12:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
11) oathmeal is a fucking loser
______________________
12) Shlongy fucks cats and jacks off to pictures of Tiger Woods.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Drake: Another Victim of POOT
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My birthday is next week. We are the same age. I love sidekicks.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-23 13:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a fucking geezer. I won't be 24 for at least a month.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-23 12:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
12) Titus pops pimples as a hobby
Submitted by Titus (user info) at 2008-04-23 12:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
12) shlongy is a fucking cocksucker
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-04-23 12:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am one of the 14 people on here younger than you; the advice is sound
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-23 12:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
11) oathmeal is a fucking loser
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-23 12:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've forgotton what I'm reviewing. It's probably awesome though.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It really is just a not smart thing to do.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy birthday. This is some good advice. Particularly the part about not trying to reason with drunk people.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Drogo! Long time, duder! Thanks
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DRAKE!! Wow Drake sighting. Happy Birthday
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH SNAP YOU JUST GOT YOZZOWNED.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did you even READ the part about the spam?
C'mon!
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This post just attests to how much you have *yet* to learn.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like that BranDo. I might have to illegally download that later on and listen.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats kid, this song came to mind reading your funny post: Too Much Too Young
You've done too much
much too young
Now you're married with a kid
when you could be having fun with me
oh no, no gimme no more pickni
You've done too much
much too young
Now you're married with a son
when you should be having fun with me
we don't want, we don't want
we don't want no more pickni
Ain't he cute?
No he ain't
He's just another burden
on the welfare state
You've done too much
much too young
Now you're married with a kid
when you could be having fun with me
no gimme,no gimme,no gimme no more pickni
Call me immature
Call me a poser
I'd love to spread manure in your bed of roses
Don't want to be rich
Don't want to be famous
But I'd really hate to have the same name as you
(you silly moo)
You've done too much
much too young
Now you're married with a kid
when you could be having fun with me
gi we de birth control, we no want no pickni
You've done too much
much too young
Now you're chained to the cooker
making currant buns for tea
oh no, no gimme no more pickni
Ain't you heard of the starving millions
Ain't you heard of contraception
Do you really a program of sterilization
Take control of the population boom
It's in your living room
Keep a generation gap
Try wearing a cap
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU MUDWHISTLE YOU SON OF A BITCH HOW ABOUT YOU COME SAY THAT SHIT TO MY FACE YOU FAGGOT? HUH? HOW ABOUT IT? MEET ME IN REAL LIFE YOU PANSY FUCK AND LET'S FIGHT.
I'LL KNOCK YOUR TEETH DOWN YOUR CUM-SOAKED THROAT YOU PILLOW-BITING POOFTER. WHAT'S WRONG BITCH? SUCKING TOO MUCH DICK TO ACCEPT?
HUH?
HUH?
/internet fight
=======
you're ugly and your mom dresses you funny/gives good head
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:29:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got 5 years on you yet you appear to have more wisdom than I did when I was 24.
=========
no offense to Drake but is that really saying much?
______
Burn!!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good giggles.
Happy Birthday
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU MUDWHISTLE YOU SON OF A BITCH HOW ABOUT YOU COME SAY THAT SHIT TO MY FACE YOU FAGGOT? HUH? HOW ABOUT IT? MEET ME IN REAL LIFE YOU PANSY FUCK AND LET'S FIGHT.
I'LL KNOCK YOUR TEETH DOWN YOUR CUM-SOAKED THROAT YOU PILLOW-BITING POOFTER. WHAT'S WRONG BITCH? SUCKING TOO MUCH DICK TO ACCEPT?
HUH?
HUH?
/internet fight
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you Fat man!
Oathy, the sad part is I learned most of these in the past 2 years, (bartending)
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got 5 years on you yet you appear to have more wisdom than I did when I was 24.
=========
no offense to Drake but is that really saying much?
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I waited until all the burning and soreness went away, (somebody better make a herpes joke here) then decided to work out again.
---------
They make a pill for that now.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TRUTH young-one.
especialy #3 having been said drunk.
happy birthday.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sound advice all rounds. Happy birthday, the dirty 30's are the best.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got 5 years on you yet you appear to have more wisdom than I did when I was 24.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks. It should be a pretty good one. I'm getting a feast made for my by grandma! Italian cooking at it's finest!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid advice from a young pup like you. :) Happy birthday!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-23 11:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
point taken