The Dog Shaped Like a Tripod (602 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: a little bout my life
Rating: 0.81 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I Hate American Idol <cobyllamar.at.email.com> (View user info) at 2008-04-24 16:20:10 EDT
Let me tell you a little about myself; I'm soon to be married. Yeah, it's great. In about three months, my shit becomes "our shit" and her shit becomes "don't touch that."
Before we moved in together, I wanted to move in with just us two, by ourselves. I wanted it to be us two, just talking, and cuddling, and talking some more; talking the damn springs out of the bed, you know? But, we'll get back to that later.
So we decide to move in together, she says, "Oh, this is so great! We'll be together all the time, and we can talk whenever we want. It's gonna be awesome!!" I say, "Yeah, it sounds better than living with my mom, who never left me alone, which is why I'm moving out, and I think I've stumbled upon a flaw in my logic here..."
So, we're going to move in together, have another couple as roommates, a friend of hers and his girlfriend. We get along alright. I'm a Burger King employee, and Teany works a car hop, and Krystal loves her best man, Josh, and Josh loves big rock-hard cock.
Anyway, I had some doubts moving in with Josh, not because he's gay, but because I don't really know the fuck, you know? He might suck cock just a bit too loudly to be my neighbor. Just "sllhhp sllhhp." "I GOT TO GET UP IN 2 HOURS!!!"
So, I get a feel for him [no homo] within the first week, and we become decent friends. I'm friends with Josh; Josh is friends with me; Christina and Josh are at each other's throat every goddamn two seconds. I don't even know what happened. All of a sudden, it was Wild Kingdoms' wolverine exhibit in my living room every night.
We end up moving out and completely on our own after that. Told you we'd get back to it. We get a little place. It's quaint. It's homey. It's 3 rooms, a closet and a toilet.
The first thing she says is let's get a dog. "Oh honey, I want a dog." I say, "Baby, I work at fucking Burger King, You're a car hop, our apartment is cramped, and we're out of Funions, we can't get a dog," then, I go to work.
A couple days later, I go to work. I get this customer starts yelling at me for charging him for a Double Whopper instead of a Junior Whopper. I say, "You didn't order the Junior; you ordered the Double." He begs to differ. I say, "What did you order, the number 2?" He answers to the affirmative. I say, "Did you look at the picture under the number 2." Affirmative again. "Did the picture look like it had two big, heavy-looking pieces of meat on it?" Yet again, affirmative. At this point, I see the guys a complete stranger to the subtle art of sarcasm.
I told you that story to tell you this story. I send out my last order of the shift, put my fucking name tag down and walk out, mumbling about sarcasm and stupid and Bona Vista-worthy, when I look up to see where Teany parked, and there, in the passenger seat, is a little, 4-pound, 3-legged, bug-eyed fucking chihuahua staring me in the face.
Ok, so she wasn't 'staring' me in the face. She's got a lazy eye, she's staring at me and the fucking coffee lady across the way.
I'm telling you, this dog has enough problems to make Joseph Merrick look like he had a fighting chance.
She makes Rocky Dennis' smile brighter.
She has two hernias, an overbite, half a jaw missing, 2 bug-eyes, 1 lazy eye, glaucoma, a chicken wing for a left leg, and a lobster claw for a front paw. And, on top of that, she has the worst impersonation of an 80-year-old lady whose falling down the stairs. Teany calls it a bark; I call it a cry for help.
Teany looks at me and says, "Look at our new dog! It used to be my cousins, and we need to take care of it." I say,"No, we don't! I told you we can't have a dog! Funions, hon. Funions."
She says, "But, my cousin can't keep the dog. She's trying to adopt a child, and Child Services won't let her have anymore than 2 dogs." I say, "So, let her get rid of one of the healthier ones and take care of this one."
And that's how I got a dog shaped like a tripod.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-25 21:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Great buildup, flaccid punchline.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thankyou orphy. Typos as per usual
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Get a bag, some rocks and a river. The rest should be self explanatory.
--
But just in case it isnt:
You then track down Hurty and wave a steak at him to make him feel naseous and pass out. You then bundle him into the bag, probably best to have a sack really. Drive to a lake. Get some weighty rocks. row out into the middle of it, boat required by the way. You then throw the weighty rocks into sack with Hurty, ignoring the pleas and whimpers. And throw it all over the side.
You then come back to Uber and show pictures and will be welcomed as a home comming hero.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Get a bag, some rocks and a river. The rest should be self explanatory.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What LM said, but instead 'label' lol.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
White trashtastic.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh out loud a couple of times. The middle got a bit lost in places, but there were some great lines.
Though your lable makes the baby jesus weep.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny, well written
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2008-04-24 22:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's good writing.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-04-24 20:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I stopped reading when you said you worked at Burger King. LOL
---
Pot and kettle and all that jazz.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115683
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-24 19:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sometimes it's good to take a little break from posting to clear your head
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-24 17:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, you got a dog with three legs because you smoke too much goddamn hemp and you flip burgers for a living.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-04-24 17:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This was fantastic.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-24 17:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for hating American Idol
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Q: Was this post awesome or what?
A: http://www.ratpackcycles.com/notrly.png
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Burger King? Ouch.
Submitted by CobyLlamar (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess I should've made it clearer; Krystal is Josh's girlfriend, and yes, Josh is gay. He just has I girlfriend.
I know, it's a headache not even Excedrin can cure. I just stopped trying to figure the guy out.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like your writing style. There was a goof with the girl's name (Krystal, Christina), but otherwise this was pretty good. Keep it up!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fine, here.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I work at fucking burger king.."
hahaha
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't care about any of this.. but [no homo] made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Method must have found his list of alters. 52 months?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-04-24 16:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I stopped reading when you said you worked at Burger King. LOL