A Grim Commotion (476 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.34 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <monkeylove.at.easy.com> (View user info) at 2008-04-29 04:01:53 EDT
The Doctor clasped his hands together with fingers interlocked. He placed them palm down upon Jane's chest and began to push firmly and with rhythm, helping her stuttering heart to maintain the essential beat. One Medic was injecting something into her thigh whilst another was holding a swinging bag of blood aloft as he anxiously tried to find a vein in her arm for the other end.
As the Doctor pumped her chest, a tatty blue envelope with neat spidery handwriting fell unnoticed from her shirt pocket onto the ground beside the stretcher. Blood from her opened vein splashed upon it; before it was knelt upon and mashed into the blood-sodden earth by the knee of the medic who was applying the hypodermic.
Sam looked across at the grim commotion that surrounded the stretcher. It was more than he could bear, it was a different Jane laid there, she looked small, fail and motionless, like a broken doll with a waxen face. He could see that the medical team were totally embroiled in the crisis of a life or death struggle - judging by the desperate intensity of their activity, Sam could tell that they were not winning it.
Jane's life was quickly ebbing away and they seemed powerless to stem the flow. With this realisation, a dreadful wave of anguish ripped through him, his knees weakened then buckled, he sank to the ground, put his face into his hands and instinctively prayed to no one God in particular. He recited the sobbing prayer of traumatised remorse, the one every God had heard hundreds of thousands of times before; the desperate, pleading cry for a reprieve, from those about to bereaved.
"Please let her survive this... Please!"
Jane was aware that she was lying on her back, she felt totally numb and everything around her seemed dull and muffled, there was no sharpness or clarity in any sound or vision and she felt strangely detached from the situation. She was no longer feeling much pain - she'd left it behind, but could sense that it was still there, waiting for her to return. Blurred images, faces she supposed, appeared in front of her own, a Medic fussing over her, his muted voice a distant noise, an inaudible sound from some other place.
She was paralysed, without the energy to move a single muscle and without the will or inclination to even try. Her throat was dry and she needed to swallow, but could not raise the effort required.
She was looking directly up at the sky, fixated; it was black, desolate and seemed to be getting nearer. Her awareness of the medical crew around her became even more remote and it was as if she was leaving them behind. She felt a sharp tinge in her thigh and then a sensation of heat spread slowly spread out from where she had felt the needle.
The stars overhead suddenly gained definition and she viewed them now with a crystal clear focus. Slowly at first but with gathering momentum she was moving towards them - or they towards her, she couldn't tell. Her mind lapsed into a state of panic as mortal fear gripped her, she tried desperately to hold on, to resist the pull, but the force of it was tremendous and she knew it was futile.
Jane let go, and at once the fear was gone. Her eyes widened as the myriad of stars all merged into one massive body of ultra-white light as the sky rushed down to meet her. When it arrived the light faded away as she was tenderly smothered in the comfort of a thick black veil and, as gently as gossamer thread on a strong, warm breeze; carried off deeper into the darkness.
User Reviews
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jane is dead.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so did Jane die? i couldn't read that far.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-04-29 22:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. But dude, I GOTTA know what was in that envelope. The suspense is killing me.
If you don't respond in this post within 24 hours I'm going to steal your story and characters, and write my own little diddy about what was in it. Yes, that's how deep this goes.
aaaaannnnnd, STARTTHECLOCK!!!
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-04-29 10:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-29 15:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good read
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-04-29 13:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers guys, any constructive criticism is welcome.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-29 13:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-29 13:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-29 11:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt like the line "the desperate, pleading cry for a reprieve, from those about to bereaved. "
i dont know why it just seemed wrong.
Other than that I enjoyed this a lot.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-29 11:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-29 11:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good read
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-29 11:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-04-29 10:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-29 09:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't notice missing words or anything and did not have to re-read sentences. then again i'm alos notorious for not editing so there you go.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-29 08:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more rape but otherwise okay.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-29 07:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A bit rough and overly described. Some of your adjectives got in the way of telling the story and missing a few small words here and there caused the reader to go over a sentence again making for a bumpy pass. If you'd like specifics I'll point them out, however, this is the first thing I've read on here in at least 2 months and it wasn't bad at all.
Submitted by CarterPFly (user info) at 2008-04-29 07:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very nicely written.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-29 05:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Weepy emos below.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-29 04:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A tender marriage of morbidity and rhetoric.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 04:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have another +2 this was written beautifully.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 04:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are some really lovely lines in this.
Nice. But sad.