Dear Old Soldier (848 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: poetry
Rating: 1.18 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-04-29 05:37:19 EDT
Six years, old man, six long, lonely years,
Of silence, sorrow and too many tears.
The soldier strolls forward, his wars in the past,
His show goes on, despite incomplete cast.
She waited, you see, while he fought away,
Dreading the news that might come any day.
But the old man returned to his faithful wife,
Nazis defeated, and focussed on life.
A lifetime of shared hardship and joy,
He worked like a dog, she brought up the boys;
Who grew, and the pair were briefly alone,
and happy. One day, horror: she was gone.
Six years, old man, since you last saw the face
That no number of pictures can ever replace.
Six years, brave soldier, away from your wife,
Split not by oceans, but that border called 'life'.
Are you ready, old man, to open the door?
I'll miss your face, but she'll miss you more.
Worry not for those you might leave behind;
If it's time, then go, see what you can find.
Six years, my friend. Six long, lonely years.
Might glee and laughter replace tired tears?
User Reviews
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost cried. I thought this was very beautiful.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-04-29 08:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...why bother with this website at all?...
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-29 15:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-29 13:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111292
all gave some, some gave all...
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-29 13:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-29 13:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-29 11:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-04-29 10:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-29 09:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Incidently I find the fact that I mentioned posting pics of a previous girlfriend as a throwaway comment and then some maniac started wanging them all over the front page highly tripped out.
It's okay though, I will use my new reality-bending powers for good.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-29 08:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-29 10:59:43 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
This'll be most heated in about twenty minutes.
After O n F finish doing their thing.
:D
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Oh no, this post is far too lovely to degrade into a chat post
--
Thank god you arent doing that. hahahahaha
Also as for critique: I just didnt like it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-29 08:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't see the need to be specific in my 'critique'. If you had posted a picture of you ejaculating inside your girlfriend whilst giving the camera the thumbs up then I would simply call you a disturbed mess. If you posted a lenghtly rant against 4mm screws proving less value for money against 3mm screws I would simply call you boring. If you post poetry I'll simply say that it's lame and leave it at that.
Orgasmatron ruined it for everybody.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 07:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are an exception, Mr Hurty.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-04-29 07:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not quite Sassoon, but not too bad either.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-29 07:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here, I was constructive, despite what Toshi seems to think!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 07:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it is constructive critiquing you require, you are sadly in the (very) wrong place.
:(
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice critique, Berty.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
auto poetry -2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah the line
'and happy. One day, horror: she was gone.'
definitely didn't feel write when I wrote it, but those were the words I wanted to use. I just couldn't quite shovel them into a form that sounded right.
It would help if I could read it out loud to iron out any bumpy areas, but the guys sitting around me would undoubtedly think I was a lunatic.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He worked like a dog, she brought up the boys;
------------------------
i wasn't keen on that either.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Overall it had a decent rhythm and the subject matter was interesting.
However,
He worked like a dog, she brought up the boys;
Who grew, and the pair were briefly alone,
and happy. One day, horror: she was gone.
Seemed really awkward, I think it was the "and happy" bit, not really sure but something about it just didn't scan as well as the rest of the poem.
The last line didn't sit particularly well for me either; again, it seemed awkward and out of sync with the rest.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah I'm not much of a singer.
Seriously though, could do with some critique. What's good about the poem, and what doesn't work?
Anybody?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
It's not that I hate poetry, I like old war poems and Greek/Latin stuff. So I've definitely seen better.
And no, I don't like fucking 'melancholy guitar' either, so that wouldn't help. If you actually made a song and stuck it up that would be awesome, but last I checked that fucker Salmond had smelted all the musical instruments in Scotland to make that 'Scottish Government' sign. Cunt.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-29 10:59:43 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
This'll be most heated in about twenty minutes.
After O n F finish doing their thing.
:D
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Oh no, this post is far too lovely to degrade into a chat post, I shall just hound him with emails of my boobies instead.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah Hurty hates poetry, I have come to accept this.
Would it help if I told you they were 'lyrics' for a melancholy guitar song?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Go fuck yourself Toshi, I just don't like poems, and I've seen better than this one.
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-04-29 06:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HurtByTheSun seems to have a few problems reading posts with actual content.
Excellent work.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-29 05:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This'll be most heated in about twenty minutes.
After O n F finish doing their thing.
:D
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-29 05:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
At least it's not a story about you getting drunk and being a fanny.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 05:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching.