Humans (484 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.39 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shandythedog (View user info) at 2008-04-29 16:41:25 EDT
I've been lying in bed unable to sleep. It crossed my mind that I was not alone in this condition. Presumably millions or even billions of little human heads all over the globe sometimes find themselves awake in the middle of the night, thinking.
Apparently there are about 6.5 billion of us humans. But it is hard to actually conceptualise a number like 6.5 billion.
A decent sized sports stadium fits about 100,000. But a sports stadium is designed to allow people to watch sports. It's not designed as an efficient container of humans. A properly designed space occupying the volume of a sports stadium could obviously contain a lot more live humans - you wouldn't need the sports field, for a start, and the seats wouldn't need to be tiered to provide a view of the sports field. The shape could be a cube rather than a bowl. I should think at least a million people could be seated in a space the volume of a sports stadium. Probably more, but let's say a million.
So if we lined up 1000 of these cubes about the size of a sports stadium we could fit one sixth of the world's population in them. Six rows of 1000 cubes would fit everyone (quite comfortably, I would think). Every single human being could be allocated a seat. The globe could be entirely free of humans, they could ALL be sitting in one of the 6,000 cubes. The 6,000 cubes wouldn't take up much space, much less than a single big city. The whole planet could be empty of humans, except for that one spot.
Dead humans would take up even less space. I should think you could get at least 10 million dead humans into one cube, perhaps even more, perhaps 100 million. In this sense, 6 billion doesn't seem so many after all. Everyone could be rounded up and chucked into a decent sized hole in the ground, and that would be the end of us.
We humans have persuaded ourselves that we are very attractive to look at, or at least that some of us are. We put pictures of ourselves on TV and on the internet and on magazine covers all the time. We like to look at ourselves in mirrors. Humans paint pictures of themselves and then pay millions of dollars for these pictures. But from another point of view, we are surely one of the ugliest mammals alive. We are possibly even more ugly than those dogs that don't have fur. Humans are freakishly ugly animals. Perhaps that's why we are intent of enslaving all the other animals and destroying the planet - we are jealous of beauty.
This rarely acknowledged fact of our ugliness, combined with the current fashion for 'green' recycling, plus the generic state of anxiety and misery most of us live in, presents a magnificent business opportunity.
Trees, plants and animals are generally much more beautiful than we are. Think of undulating green fields, trees swaying in the breeze, deer frolicking, birds singing, sun showers kissing flower petals, etc, etc. Compare this to weird hairless humans sitting on their toilets in their pokey little ensuites, wiping at their arseholes with little bits of paper, rubbing toothpaste on their stinking decaying teeth, worrying about whether their house is enviable enough.
These are the kinds of images I will use to promote my Mass Eco Recycling and Rebirth Centres. I will need government cooperation to remove the legal barriers to suicide, but once that's done I have no doubt business will boom. Imagine if there was no social taboo or stigma associated with going to a nice place (charming gardens, tasteful decor, pleasant music, friendly staff), alone or hand-in-hand with your children and loved ones, drinking a pleasant sleeping draught, and your body then being conveyed into the recycling chamber. The nutrients from your ugly human body are then redistributed to the beautiful green grass, the flowers, the trees, the birdies, the deer, etc. You will in a sense become a part of this true beauty. A true makeover! What a contrast to those gruesome makeovers where plastic surgeons wiggle your ridiculous ugly human nose around a bit and suck a bit of fat out of your ridiculous ugly human buttocks.
Most of us have thought of suicide from time to time. How nice it would be if, when the efforts of maintaining an enviable house become too wearying, when the thought of going to work seems unbearable, when everything seems depressing and pointless, we could just decide, fuck it, let's go to the Rebirth Centre, I want to be part of something beautiful.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-30 20:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I recognize a kindred spirit when I see one.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-04-30 20:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soylent Green is people.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, because I dont want him and caul to turn gay and then ruin any... whatever I dont know.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i should probably also drop past canada for a heart to heart with caulincunt, see if we can get to the bottom (so to speak) of his emotional problems and animosity towards me.
perhaps i could take your psycho violent jailbird boyfriend with me in case things turn nasty...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ps method is a dick
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHA I love you... I can't wati until you come her3!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1KSaUEu_T4
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IT WAS UNAVAILABLE... SO CALL AGAIN BECAUSE i WAS ON THE PHONE ALREADY
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-29 20:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY DID I IDO THAT!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know. But I'm your new phone stalker. Please turn off your caller ID.
thnx.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-29 20:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY DID I IDO THAT!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-29 20:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shandy listen
call me
what am I about to odo
Im drunk
america+734-678-6718
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-04-29 20:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-04-29 20:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting, reminds me of Tyler Durden.
"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-29 20:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The crypt keeper below.
===
*insert whatever response you were hoping to get here*
==
Not what I was hoping for.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-04-29 20:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was quite great.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-29 18:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That yummy green stuff that comes out of the Mass Eco Recycling and Rebirth Centres is PEOPLE! PEOPLE!!!!
Submitted by MrB3213 (user info) at 2008-04-29 18:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-04-29 18:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I say we start burning chinks for fuel
What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if the term 'fag below' has ever been more appropriately applied i've not seen it but feel free to try
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Naming yourself 'SkullBiter' is a foolproof way of advertising you're into mansex.
Allow me to explain.
Men typically sex front to back, in the tradition of the dog and the caveman.
Front to back sexing often results in the skulls of the two men being in proximity to one another.
Proximity results in familiarity.
Familiarity breeds contempt.
Contempt is acted out in the form of biting, skull to skull, during front to back sexing.
The frontmost man, the 'skull bitee,' thus suffers an attack from the backmost man, the 'skull biter.'
Therefore, SkullBiter prefers to sex men in violent and impersonal fashions.
His contempt for the female is evident, and understandable, given his preferences.
It still does nothing for his smelling like lubricant and oily, overweight male strangers.
I didn't even read this post.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason this post made me think of Joseph Smith, laying in bed unable to sleep and dreaming up Mormonism.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about a Bird Offering?
I'm too lazy to Google it, but I think it's Tibet or some place where they take you to a mountain, hack you into little bits, and let the birds carry you off piece by piece, carrying your spirit to heaven, or wherever.
...okay, I did check it out. Here's a good description. Right back to nature, baby.
http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~pamlogan/skybury.htm
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rather than green cemetries, i had in mind simply taking the body to a processing centre and getting a nice little bag of compost and fertilizer for the garden. should be minimal cost, or even a free public service.
the other idea was to combine this with reforestation. ie, start planing trees in some wasteland, with each tree beign given the compost of a particular person or people, so that that tree becomes in effect their headstone. so you can take the kids to a big old tree and say 'here is grandpa' etc.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The crypt keeper below.
===
*insert whatever response you were hoping to get here*
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i like the idea of green disposal of human remains. there are a few green cemeteries in the U.S. the cost is (or was) astronomical to utilise them though.
i told my wife to simply stomp the teeth out of my remains and dump the meat in remote a place as possible and save herself the 15K or whatever it was.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't really intend to go on with the recyling stuff here, i was initially more interested in how much space the entire human population would occupy if they were all gathered together, for no other reason than curiosity
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge - the cunts must have stolen my idea!!!
actually, the original idea i had some time ago was for organic funerals, ie when you die you get properly composted rather than incinerated or stuck in a box. it had nothing to do with suicide.
(after a bit of research, i found out that that idea had also been stolen)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-29 17:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are very lucid today shandy...
there is a sci-fi story i read recently which uses the exact term 'Rebirthing Centers' to describe basically what you have proposed here in regards to the re-use of the human body. main plotline was more centered on extreme longevity and the potential for great human overpopulation though.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's people!
Soylent Green is made out of people!
They're making our food out of people!
We've gotta stop them somehow!
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The crypt keeper below.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reads a bit like Vonnegut.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh, what the fuck?