I Just Want To Fucking Murder Everyone (550 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 0.81 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2008-04-30 00:01:18 EDT
Every day, I wake up to the sights and sounds of paradise. It's bright and sunny and cheery all day. The perfect world full of love and harmony, where everybody is friendly and nice. Well, almost everybody.
As I walk down the charming little path from my cottage, I see Mr.Bunbun as he hops over and offers me a plate of cookies. He's a five foot three rabbit, and the town's only member who's been to war. What was the war about? It was over before anyone could figure it out, as they ended it by skipping and dancing, hands held in a circle. I take them, only to let them fall to the ground. He says "Oops, you must have dropped them. I'll go bake you another batch" before he hops away to bake once again.
I've given up on yelling at them years ago, because they're either oblivious to it, or they'll start crying tears that cure cancer. I've pretty much given up on causing havoc and destruction, because it's there the next day, and they're all too happy to fix it. Sure, things may take them a little while, like if I sink something major, but how much damage can a guy really do when the gingerbread houses are actually made of gingerbread. I havn't found their ovens yet, but they have to bake it somewhere. For the most part, I've even given up on physically hurting these people since they don't actually get hurt. Even when I attempt to eat them, by the second bite the first bite wound has completely healed. At this point, I'm only slowing the cuteness down.
More and more often, I'll find myself having mango chai tea with Mrs.Ducky, looking at the perfect sunset which only shows up when I'm tired with the schoolchildren, reading to the elderly with non-rebellious teenagers, making candy canes to add to the candy cane forest, and generally improving the quality of life around here. It's all starting to get to me.
I keep stomping out the flowers growing in a window box. I know I didn't put that window box there, and I know damn well I didn't plant flowers, especially not flowers that taste like gumdrops. Everything here tastes unnessisarily delicious, and just once I'd like something to taste awful. I pray for Wilford Brimley's diabetes.
There isn't an escape to this place. No matter how far you swim away from it when you're at the beach, you only end up at the other side of the place. I walked into the candycane forest and came out at the same place I walked in. I tried to break the glass windows and use the shards to cut my throat, but it's made of clear powdered sugar and dissolves in my hands. I made a catapult, and no matter where I landed, it was always in a big pile of marshmallows. I stole a gardening shovel, and tried with that, but it slips from my hands every time, then Mrs.Kitty walks over and joyfully exclaims "You've found my shovel! Thank you ever so much." then hugs me. I tried to rape her, but when I rip off her sun dress and gardening hat, there isn't a hole to fuck. By the time I blink, she is once again wearing that damned perfect sun dress and I know there has to be a hole to fuck on her because she has children and her poo is Cadbury Creme Eggs.
It's morning again. There's Mr.Bunbun hopping along as happy as can be. I join him and we hop into town, sharing a big cookie. I hold hands with strangers, and hug people as I greet them. h
Would you like a cookie?
User Reviews
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-30 15:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fursecution -2!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-30 12:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's entirely mutual, I'm sure.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-30 11:52:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-30 11:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 11:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty, I fear my body may give up all hope with the birth of this child.
If the TV has to be filled with goo, I can't see the refill hole.
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That's why you make the hole. Refill it with baby goo.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 11:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty, I fear my body may give up all hope with the birth of this child.
If the TV has to be filled with goo, I can't see the refill hole.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 11:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:( I can't believe you think that of me, but then I guess I am a stranger to you.
I understand.
I bet you kinda like the idea of poo though ;)
Email your box thing then when you have it. My address is on my first posts. Don't worry, you don't have to make conversation or anything, if that makes you feel more comfortable.
:)
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:54:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Large boxy one then, you paranoid nerd. :)
What am I going to do with your address though, really, sell it on the Uber black market? Fly thousands of miles to ring the front door bell and run away?
Berty, I shall have written into my will, the TV goes to you. Bide your time, I don't think I have long.
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You could post it, then people could mail me poo. I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO MAIL ME POO.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Large boxy one then, you paranoid nerd. :)
What am I going to do with your address though, really, sell it on the Uber black market? Fly thousands of miles to ring the front door bell and run away?
Berty, I shall have written into my will, the TV goes to you. Bide your time, I don't think I have long.
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Correct me if I'm wrong but don't plasma TVs need to be refilled with goo every decade? So by the time you turn your toes I will be getting a SEVERELY wonky set, not to mention the fact that everyone else will have their holo-tables or perhaps organic, vat grown, tele-fetus.
Hopefully by then I will be able to have my useless buttocks removed and replaced with a fully functional, hover-arse which will mean I am no longer mocked as 'The Dalek' when confronted with stairs.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this.
I also like cookies.
You win this time.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Large boxy one then, you paranoid nerd. :)
What am I going to do with your address though, really, sell it on the Uber black market? Fly thousands of miles to ring the front door bell and run away?
Berty, I shall have written into my will, the TV goes to you. Bide your time, I don't think I have long.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if you do not want your prize, shall I give it to someone else, maybe of your choice?
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*cautiously puts up hand*
I er, I happen to be rather partial to physical possesions. As long as it's not a camera or a teddy bear or something equally useless.
I don't need any tools though. Or cookware. Or marital aids. Or pretty much anything for that matter.
Basically I'm in the market for a big, flash, TV and if you want to give me one then that's coo.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what the internet is for.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if you do not want your prize, shall I give it to someone else, maybe of your choice?
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I still totally want the prize, but I am unsure the size of PO box to get.
I'm too paranoid to give out my actual address.
Should I get one of the large boxy ones, or the tiny letter sized ones?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I pray for Wilford Brimley's diabetes.
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That was a particularly enjoyable line.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if you do not want your prize, shall I give it to someone else, maybe of your choice?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
'A slight grin'
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-04-30 03:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I'll have one.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 01:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the ending was vital
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-30 00:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Brilliant
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-30 00:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aww. A little piece got left out. I blame socialism.