Help Berty to do his job! (721 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.05 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Berty (View user info) at 2008-04-30 04:23:24 EDT
I am tired, GTA 4 has been out for 24 hours or so. It may be more, telling the passage of time has become difficult. I need to write a notice letting people know that a deal is on the up and up, plus that people aren't to go posting whatever mad deals they find. This is 'official', apparently.
This is what I've come up with so far:
So this offer, what is on this notice board next to this notice what you are reading, is proper genuine and not a wind up. You can trust us because we are HR and we are the kings of Ultimate Truth.
This offer, what is 3 cm over there on this most official notice board, does not give you carte blanche (that's posh for 'do what you want') to distribute stuff willy-nilly. This is a special deal what we, the Kings of Ultimate Truth (aka Human Resources), are endorsing and thus you can know that it is kosher.
Bish, bash, bosh.
The Management
Reckon you can do better? Well? Do ya'? Punk?
User Reviews
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-02 08:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*imagines Beano staring at his brand new PS2 and his copy of GTA4 with a look of bemusement*
You still haven't answered me on why you have purchased a shotgun and, presumably, a gun license.
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My silver slimline PS2 is being delivered Tuesday (while the WHOLE WORLD buys PS3's!)
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*imagines Beano staring at his brand new PS2 and his copy of GTA4 with a look of bemusement*
You still haven't answered me on why you have purchased a shotgun and, presumably, a gun license.
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I have taken up clay pigeon shooting.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*imagines Beano staring at his brand new PS2 and his copy of GTA4 with a look of bemusement*
You still haven't answered me on why you have purchased a shotgun and, presumably, a gun license.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-01 08:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you know, I am now buying a PS2 so that I can play GT and GTA.
I'm just like a child with a mans bank account sometimes.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He's quiet now but Beano is reading that back and thinking "I've hurt him! Yessssss...". Licking his lips and wiping his hands on his trousers.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your post makes no sense, somewhat like you hair.
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:(
Wounded.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your post makes no sense, somewhat like you hair.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-04-30 22:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hmmm
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-04-30 22:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-30 22:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
not really i just wanted to push you into the negative for fun
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-30 22:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you cunt apple
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-04-30 21:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have to -2 this I'm sorry. My boyf wants this and I know I'm going to have to buy it for him and I know I'm going to have to go to bed with my ears ringing with the sound of super cars and game pads being bounced off the walls.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-04-30 20:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
go with "I'm from HR and I'm here to help you."
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-04-30 15:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My Give-A-Shit® meter must be un-plugged.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-30 13:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HR.
We know what sicknesses you have.
We will tell your loved ones.
The ones you want.
The ones you will never have.
HR
We know your bank account details.
We will take your money.
We will take your precious things.
The things you coveted.
HR
We're genuine bastards.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-30 12:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What the hell happened here?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ideal" indeed. Doubtless she'll be mortified over the loss of her 1980's, cathode ray, monstrosity. Do you know how heavy those things are? Lugging that out will only make me MORE disabled, not to mention not net me enough dosh to cover todays outrageous petrol charges.
Really all these barriers preventing me from making a living from robbing people's homes is both ableist and racist.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing is making sense to me today.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess it is so showy and flash and that feels chav for someone with my demure taste.
Don't sue!
I shall put you onto my gran, she has a house full of goodies - with ramp on the fromt door, stair lifts and two converted toilets and one walk in shower. For you, it is ideal.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry berty, no. And I live at the top of a very steep hill. I am sure if all the neighbours clubbed together we could buy a tram service.
It is bolted to the wall anyway.
I am very fond of my TV, I feel so chav waching it though, I draw the lounge curtains shut in shame when I watch it.
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Forgive me, Pheely, I'm not seeing the chav connection to your impressive television. Is it stolen? Otherwise it is decidedly choice.
Also due to your unfriendly access, which prohibits me from doing my job of robbing your cool stuff, I will be suing you under the Disability Discrimination Act of 1995, section 6.
Brown power.
*complicated hand gesture*
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry berty, no. And I live at the top of a very steep hill. I am sure if all the neighbours clubbed together we could buy a tram service.
It is bolted to the wall anyway.
I am very fond of my TV, I feel so chav waching it though, I draw the lounge curtains shut in shame when I watch it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 08:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 08:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-30 13:34:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 12:22:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
But GTA4 has 'Sprunk'
===========
It's been around since Vice City.
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I have only ever played a couple of the others on PSP - I can't see shit on the screen.
No, now I have my beautiful PS3 plugged into my 32" HD plasma screen TV, I can see everything.
Oh joy.
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IMO burgle your TV.
Um, does your house have wheelchair access?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 08:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-30 13:34:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 12:22:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
But GTA4 has 'Sprunk'
===========
It's been around since Vice City.
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I have only ever played a couple of the others on PSP - I can't see shit on the screen.
No, now I have my beautiful PS3 plugged into my 32" HD plasma screen TV, I can see everything.
Oh joy.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 08:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the meekness of Nico, the protagonist. After San Andreas and Vice City's dynamic and outspoken bravos, the slump shouldered, floor staring, introverted, Nico is very refreshing.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-30 08:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 12:22:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
But GTA4 has 'Sprunk'
===========
It's been around since Vice City.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 08:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I LIKE worship, Skrappy. We all like worship. We all fantasise about brainwashing a group of confused, californian women and living the dream in some dirt farm.
Uber provides that outlet, only rather than sinister semen its vainglorious verbage.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 08:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-30 07:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
*yawn*
You were better off reviewing and not posting.
--------------------------
You're right of course. Still, I've been here for years and I feel obligated to put something out now and again.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-30 07:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HR. Might've known. I'd say more but in this company we don't tolerate intolerance, no matter how richly deserved.
As to the content of your post; as an alternative you might try a more straightforward and less worship-needing approach...
<-----See that? Do that.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-04-30 07:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
*yawn*
You were better off reviewing and not posting.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 07:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But GTA4 has 'Sprunk'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 07:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
COD4 is a fast paced, stylised shooter incorporating the glamourised weapons of modern warfare.
GTA4 is a game where you play a Slavic, illegal, immigrant who plays pool with his cousin. COD4 doesn't have that hilarious cab driver who resents driving you around for free though.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-30 07:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have GTA4 for the PS3, I tried to arrange a party but no one came.
If anyone wants to play me on Vegas2, let me know your handle. I have an earpiece and everything...
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-30 07:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
how is GTA4....is it worth me putting down the COD4?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Orph, you should do a post about how strange it is to play a game where basically you drive really badly and phone your mates to go to the pub to play pool.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The following offer is a sincere offer, a genuine offer, incorporating the values that we all hold dear. Values that have been fought over, that people have died over. The Company wants to make it clear that we are grateful for this offer and that means we need YOUR help to express our gratitude. Gratitude that people, perhaps even from your own family, have died to allow you to give to our valued customers and friends.
A person who is not grateful, who is not grateful in his manners, is an ingrate. Being an racist, a rapist or an ingrate is grounds for dismissal gross misconduct. Furthermore unemployed, non-homeowners will be at risk of deportation following the Governments "Swap a Sop" act due to pass through parliament in 2011.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The cars are hard to control at the beginning, but I was getting the hang of it late last night.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And I think you finally have a winner there Berty.
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Yes it was pretty good. Quite hilarious.
I imagine you reckon I'm the cats pajamas now.
*puffs out pidgeon chest*
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I like Berty more than cinnamon.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've played it on the PS3 (my housemate's, not mine) but I've got a mate with it on the Xbox.
I like it, although they all keep moaning about the cars being 'too twitchy' and 'uncontrolable at high speed'. All I know is that I jumped a public footpath, spattered a pedestrian over the bonnet and then landed the MPV on its bonnet. The car then fell onto its wheels, totally crushing some dude who was cowering beneath its shadow.
After that I was like, "Yes". The PS3 controller is shit though and that tilt thing is uncontrollable.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm rating the poster's left shoe, not the post.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps3 or xbox?
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And I think you finally have a winner there Berty.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And lo' did God make the heavens and the earth. He said "let there be light" and it was so. He created the fields and the forests and the creatures that walk and soar. He created the lesser creatures that crawl upon their bellies and live in Australasia. He created woman, to give them all something to do.
Finally, on the 6th day, God created Barry Scott and buried him beneath the ice. Upon his icy packaging He enscrolled, in divine angelic text, 'break in case of Godzilla or celestial angst'.
Refusing this offer will course God to be unhappy. Take the offer; keep Barry Scott in prison.
The Management
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Barry Scott? You don't know who Barry Scott is? Berty I had such high hopes.
He is that stupid twat who does the cillint bang adverts. Always starts with:
"HI I'M BARRY SCOTT!" as if we should know who he is. Very powerful though, I bought cillit bang just in the hope that he would stop shouting at me from the tv, I have cupboards full of the shite. Maybe I should stop buying it then he will be seen to have failed. Ahh yes. I've been doing it wrong.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Barry Scott has endorsed the following offer. If you don't take it up he will FUCK you! He will fuck you with BOTH hands!
Seriously people, he wears soverign rings. Take the offer.
The Management
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:08:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nevermind that. So who's Barry Scott?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, I'm buzzing. Very tired and lots of coffee.
I got emailed by a spaniard woman in error and when I told her she sent me a message saying "Oops! Thank you sorry so much for bothering you Alex! RRrrrrhhhh".
WTF? 'RRrrrrrhhhh'?
The whole world has been specially built to trip me out.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who is Barry Scott?
Is he... is he Jesus!?
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-30 05:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What exactly is the notice about?
The best thing to do would be to make a little advert and get Barry Scott to shout at them.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the idea of intimidation though. Intimidation coupled with politeness.
How about:
The following offer has been acquired at great personal expense by our man in the bush. The Management encourages all employees to accept the offer wherever possible.
The housing market is an unpredictable beast and in these turbulent times it is impossible to say whether employees not taking up the offer will be financially secure. Liquidation is a terrible thing to have happen to one's assets.
Or one's mother. If you catch my drift.
Hail to the King, baby.
The Management.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
exactly!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Try:
This notice is REAL, apply to it or face ramifications.
Remember we know where you live and your bank account details, we also know your mothers maiden name and our secret squirrel operative found out your first pets names the other day over cream buns in the canteen.
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My God, with that information we could threaten staff with releasing their secret porn star names to the world!
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Try:
This notice is REAL, apply to it or face ramifications.
Remember we know where you live and your bank account details, we also know your mothers maiden name and our secret squirrel operative found out your first pets names the other day over cream buns in the canteen.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:26:47 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
I should have titled this post 'regret'.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have no idea what your talking about.
Never take advise form Uber.....you will end up alone.ALONE!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 04:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I should have titled this post 'regret'.