Fucking cockneys (248 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.55 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <monkeylove.at.easy.com> (View user info) at 2008-04-30 09:25:15 EDT
I suppose it was a Tuesday or a Thursday. One of those insignificant days in the middle of the week, neither close to the beginning nor the end.
It had been a boring day no doubt, otherwise I wouldn't have remembered the phone call would I? I'd be telling a more interesting story than this one. As it is, this is all we have.
So anyway, I'd been home from work less than an hour. Some of the copy for the Clive Bannister account had vanished from the system and had to be re-written. He's a pain in the arse but his account is one of our biggest. He takes out nearly fifteen pages every week in our property section.
Once home I decided to try my hand at one of Jamie Oliver's recipes from his cook book, he'd saved the kids from Turkey Twizzlers after all, I should give the Mockney scamp a chance.
The book was a meals in minutes thing, just what I was after. I wasn't impressed though, the paper was dry and the ink left a nasty after-taste. I made cheese on toast instead.
Finally I could relax with a beer in front of the TV where I could allow my blood to boil at the morons given a platform on channel after channel of crap:
Changing Brooms, street cleaning colleagues swap brooms for a day
Big Smother, a debate on euthanasia chaired by Davina Macall
A Question of Snort, celebrity addicts go head to head over their knowledge of narcotics.
When the phone rang it was a relief, for me and the remote control. My channel hopping was bordering on button abuse.
'Hello there, could I speak to Mr Francis Hyde please?'
'Speaking,'
'Mr Hyde it's Greg here from The Halifax...'
Oh shit. They've realised my overdraft is bigger than the national GDP of a small country. They've twigged I'm still using my student bank account and paying no interest. I've been made. Shit shit shit shit shit. Ok, think excuses...
'Mr Hyde, I need to ask you a couple of security questions for your own protection, ok?'
'Right, ok,'
'Ok, what's your date of birth please Mr Hyde?'
God I wish he'd stop saying Mr Hyde
'Er..'
Er? What the hell is er? It's my birthday for Christ's sakes. Not really a confident answer was it?
'Er, 15/7/84'
'Thank you Mr Hyde, and your Mother's maiden name?'
'Parker, it was Parker.'
'Thank you Mr Hyde. The reason I'm calling today is to tell you about a brand new service from The Halifax, the Excusive Personal Injury Accident Cover Scheme,'
'Right,'
'What this does Mr Hyde, is provide you with cover should you have an accident almost anywhere...'
Interesting phrase, almost anywhere, where doesn't it include?
'Tell me Mr Hyde, do you use public transport?'
'Er, no,'
'Well if you did Mr Hyde and you were to be injured, this policy would cover you for any time off work and medical expenses you should incur during that time off.'
Holy crap, this isn't about my overdraft, it's not about my account! Oh thank God, shit Greg from Lloyds TSB I could kiss your spotty no natural light call centre face.
'So Mr Hyde, can I tell you about the pricing policies of the Exclusive Personal Injury Accident Cover scheme?'
Exclusive? What's exclusive about it? Best not ask, just keep this short and get off the ride before their red lights start flashing about your chronic lack of funds and scant interest payments.
'Er, no, no thanks, I already have insurance and I don't use public transport,'
'Well it's not just public transport Mr Hyde,'
'I'm still not interested thanks, thanks for the call,'
'No worries Mr Hyde, I'm sorry to have bothered you, good night Mr Hyde.'
And that was it I thought.
I returned to my beer and the latest episode of Find Me a Canine Bride, where it looks like the collie is the lucky bitch.
Second Contact
So a few weeks went by. There was nothing to distinguish them really. Had they been particularly interesting I would digress at this point and tell the stories contained within those roller coaster days.
As it is they were pretty baron, that or my memory is bad, I forget now. I think I have a good memory but I suppose I wouldn't know if I didn't, I'd forget right?
Anyway. Another night, another dinner, another beer, another tired tirade of shit on the box. I don't know why I bother anymore. I hate it all, the dramas, the panel shows, the consumer cowboy builder makeover programmes. It's all so boring but I can't help myself.
On this nameless night, I can't remember what day it was
(another mark against my memory)
the phone rang once again. Nobody ever calls me after half seven, not on the landline. In fact not many people call my mobile either.
I'm already turning into my parents in that, when the phone rings after a certain time I clench and expect bad news. For somebody to call after Emmerdale almost inevitably means somebody has died. Probably killed themselves watching Emmerdale actually.
But no.
Nobody was dead.
'Hello there, could I speak to Mr Francis Hyde please?'
'Speaking,'
'My Hyde it's Debbie here from The Halifax...'
Ok it must be the overdraft this time. I've spent like a man dying the last few weeks. Why the fuck did I take my card to that casino? What was I thinking?
Oh crap oh crap, they're going to call me in to see an account advisor who sounds nice but who's really a shark. They'll drag me in, offer me coffee then slap a copy of my statement onto the desk. They'll have highlighted all of my reckless and not to mention illicit spendings. They'll ask how I have the gall to gamble with what is, ostensibly, their money, when I've been paying no interest on my student account. Christ, Jade was thin the last time I was a student and the Spice Girls were virgins.
'Mr Hyde, I need to ask you a couple of security questions for your own protection, ok?'
'Er, Ok,'
'Ok, what's your date of birth please Mr Hyde?'
Again with the Mr Hydes, best not quibble, you're in the red remember, or is the black? Either way I'm in the shit
'Erm 15/7/84'
'Thank you Mr Hyde, and your Mother's maiden name?'
'Parker.'
'Thank you Mr Hyde. The reason I'm calling today is to tell you about a brand new service from The Halifax, the Excusive Personal Injury Accident Cover Scheme,'
'Er, Ok,'
Perhaps she'll tell me afterwards I'm being called in to discuss my finances, she knows they've offered me this before
'What this does Mr Hyde, is provide you with cover should you have an accident almost anywhere. Tell me Mr Hyde, do you use public transport?'
'Er no,'
'Well if you did Mr Hyde and you were to be injured, this policy would cover you for any time off work and medical expenses you should incur during that time off.'
It's exactly the same, why are they calling me about this? Why aren't they calling about my overdraft? What's wrong with them? Are they stupid?
'So Mr Hyde, can I tell you about the pricing policies of the Exclusive Personal Injury Accident Cover scheme?'
'I'm sorry, I've already been offered this service and I said no, I'm still not interested, sorry,'
'Oh I'm sorry My Hyde, I'm sorry to have bothered you. Good night Mr Hyde.'
'Thanks, bye.'
So I sat down bemused, the TV on but unattended. What was going on with this bank? If I had any money I'd be moving it. A smile broke out on my face. They hadn't called me in. I was still safe.
User Reviews
Submitted by deej_deej (user info) at 2008-05-03 03:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bad jokes, badly written.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucking hate cockneys
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Right, yeah, where I've said in the past that the content of a post isn't as important as the quality of the language used I should perhaps have pointed out that worthwhile content does help.
You know, at least untill you've gained a compelling personality and the ability to articulate it.
Better luck next time, sport!
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
downhill from the title onwards.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
There's no cockneys here. If you're looking for cockneys, try elsewhere.
Also, barren, in the instance cited above, refers to 'Lacking in liveliness or interest'.
A Baron, on the other hand is 'A nobleman of continental Europe, ranked differently in various countries'.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read all the way up to the second word and lost interest.
Submitted by Aussie_em (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
umm.. i liked the bit where it ended
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-30 09:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This was pretty much the same story twice. Is there something clever that I'm missing or is it just as boring as it seems to be?