I Shit ,Therefore I Am (19493 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.91 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FLAK (View user info) at 2008-04-30 13:27:42 EDT
The year was 1999. The turn of the millennium was just around the corner and
the world seemed swollen in anticipation of some mysterious eruption. Little
did I know, on that beautiful fall day, I was due for a major eruption of my
own.
As the late afternoon rumbles of hunger awakened my animal desire for food it
was decided that the family would get some exercise and walk the 15 blocks to
El Maguey. The Mexican invasion had recently hit Missouri full tilt with one
of the more positive side effects being the Tex-Mex restaurants that popped up
in every strip mall. We strapped shoes on the kids and headed toward our
greasy destination.
"Hot plate! Hot plate!" cautioned the waiter as he slid the steaming plates to
their places next to the empty basket that once held chips but now cradled
only a crumpled sheet of grease-spotted wax paper. As I hastily doused my
chicken chimichanga with what remained of the tiny pitcher of salsa I wondered
to myself if "Hot Plate!" was the first phrase taught to illegal Mexican
immigrants after their nighttime baptism in the Rio Grande.
Having finished our dinner and finding ourselves sufficiently stuffed, we
started the long journey home, hoping to burn off some of the recently
ingested Mexican fuel.
Six blocks into our hike I felt a familiar and unfriendly twinge of pain in my
lower abdomen. The cool breeze that augmented this near perfect evening made
me acutely aware of the beads of sweat on my upper lip and brow. As the caged
beast in my gut began to stir, readying for its violent escape, I quickly took
stock of the situation.
I needed to find refuge and find it fast. We were deep in the heart of a
residential neighborhood and at least 8 blocks from the dream of my own
toilet. "Just knock on a door," thought my frightened cerebrum. But what would
I say? "Hi, I know we haven't met but my name is Mark and I really need to
shit. Do you mind if I paint your toilet brown while my wife and kids play on
your lawn?"
I decided to try and make it home. With two kids, 4 and 5 years old, fast
travel was not an option. I was running out of time. I quickly
blurted, "Daddy's going to crap his pants. See you at home," and I waddled
ahead like a scalded penguin, pinching my butt cheeks for dear life.
The giggles and jeers from my children faded behind me as I pulled away. I was
doing alright -- shuddering with the rhythmic ebb and flow of abdominal
cramps. The contractions were becoming more frequent. Only 4 blocks to go.
The sun was nearly gone and the earth was in the final throws of dusk. I was
almost to the entrance of Columbia Country Club marked by a lighted sign
surrounded by several bushes and clumps of tall elephant grass. It was then
that the mother of all poop-cramps grabbed me by the back of the neck and
demanded submission. "Yes, master" I said as I shuffled into the delicate
landscaping and yanked down my shorts.
The caustic flow came so fast and so ferociously that I feared that I had not
dropped my pants in time. The power of the warm soft blast nearly pushed me
forward from my crouched position. RELIEF! God it felt good. I crouched there
with my elbows on my knees able to breath for the first time in several
anxious minutes. A cool chill raced up my spine. I felt the glow of a job well
done; the timeless relief of a powerful bowel movement. I had transcended. I
had communed with my ancestors. It must have felt much the same eons ago as my
prehistoric ancestor ran through the forest clutching his spear and noticed
that familiar twinge of pain.
"Hey, I see daddy's butt!" The sound of a child's voice snapped me back to
reality. I looked to my right and saw the silhouette of a woman and two
children; my children. Headlights! I quickly realized that my shiny white ass
was hanging out of the bushes reflecting in all its glory for every passerby
that drove the busy street just 10 feet away.
I quickly pushed my way deeper in the bushes and away from the blast zone. I
skinned off one sock and then the other. It was a two-socker. I left my socks
just feet away from my beastly deposit. I left them there as a gift for the
Mexican landscaper who would tend the area the next day. Fitting revenge for
the meal his countryman had served me.
My wife and kids could not contain their laughter but I felt like a million
bucks. I floated home on rubbery legs breathing the cool evening air.
Something had happened to me there next to that clump of elephant grass. I was
transformed. Right there in the bright headlights I had touched something that
transcends time and space.
I shit, therefore I am.
--Flak
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-10-06 08:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not quite constipation but funny nonetheless. A BM that relaxing is motivation for all of us.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-10-02 16:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you sir, are a true American
you have just proved that the "trickle-down" effect does indeed include Mexicans
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2008-06-27 17:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Normally, I don't "do" potty humor - but that was funny and articulate.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-17 18:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-17 17:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-22 15:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An ingenius piece of writing.
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2008-05-21 19:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shittystories should learn a fucking lesson from this post.
As beautiful as shit can be.
Nice one.
Submitted by ShittyStories (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to submit this to ShittyStories.com
Submitted by Majik_Marker (user info) at 2008-05-18 09:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WOW. That's all. But we all learned an important lesson... shit at the restaurant, dumbass.
Submitted by PMN (user info) at 2008-05-15 14:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mexican food sucks north of Texas
Submitted by Yoyo (user info) at 2008-05-12 11:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know whether to be amazed or scared that you remember a time you took a crap in the summer of 1999.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-05-12 04:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just beautiful.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-05-10 12:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It made me smile, but I'm not going to break a streak. And the fact that you used your socks to wipe your ass is something dreams are made of.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-08 07:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The contractions were becoming more frequent"
Hahahahaha
Also, "Final throes".
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-08 07:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAW!
Wd!'
Now to read.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-06 15:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-05-06 15:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-04 11:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poo story = v. funny
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2008-05-02 18:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a beautiful poo tale. been a while since i read one that made me laugh this hard. submit to poopreport.com immediately!
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-05-02 08:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your style.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A good shit can be a near-religious experience.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i read this earlier, didn't rate it. hilarious.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*snigger*
You said "eruption".
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality. Been in a similar situation myself.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-30 22:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-30 16:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
perfect.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-30 15:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahah. you said poo
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-30 15:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my hero!
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How odd that a post about poo' made me want a chimichanga.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was a two-socker."
Best line of the week.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Normally, I don't "do" potty humor - but that was funny and articulate.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed all the way through.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-04-30 13:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
been there
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-30 13:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-30 13:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was on the verge of loling at work... so funny!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-30 13:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SCORE
I pooped in a crawl space under someones deck once.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-04-30 13:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did you poop in your own yard?
You seem like the kind of man that would poop on his neighbor's lawn and then blame it on passing wildebeasts.