My First Fight and the Spoils of Pre-Teen War (713 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.82 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2008-04-30 14:42:26 EDT
I have decided that I am going to attach a song to every post from now on, not because they are appropriate, but because I feel like it
My Parents divorced when I was six years old. The only importance that holds to this story is that because they were both single Parents enjoying equal custody of me, they both had full time jobs. This meant that when the much anticipated three months of summer vacation came around, I was sent off to the YMCA's summer school program for about eight hours a day.
This particular summer, I was eight years of age, and had just quit playing baseball so that I could have time to study Kung Fu San Soo. Sounds like an odd choice for an eight year old to make, unless you know that I had an unhealthy obsession with Bruce Lee, a step-dad with a fifth degree black belt, and a father who had pretty much forced me to play baseball for a year and a half straight (I had been playing longer than that with breaks in between seasons, this stretch lacked any breaks from baseball what-so-ever). When summer vacation started, I had my yellow belt and was being trained to use a staff. Obviously, I wasn't exactly a master of the martial arts, but I could certainly hold my own with the average six to ten year old.
The YMCA's summer school program was enjoyable enough, I suppose. Most of the time we were doing arts and crafts, or having an assortment of different sports competitions (My mother still has a bunch of my 'outstanding achievement' awards for archery and baseball...); rarely did we have to actually learn anything, which can be a huge downer for an eight year old trying to enjoy his summer break.
For the most part, the different age groups attending the program were kept separate, or perhaps we were just drawn to, and put off by each other naturally. At any rate, on one particularly hot day, it was decided that we would all band together to participate in the ancient summer ritual of Slip 'N Slide.
Things were going smoothly enough, until on one of my trips to the back of the Slip 'N Slide line, I stumbled upon a well-known asshole ten year old bullying a fairly well liked six year old. The dispute seemed to be over candy; the six year old had some, and the ten year old wanted it.
Perhaps it was the call of justice that provoked me to do what I did, or maybe I was just drunk on Kung Fu San Soo power and Bruce Lee movies, whatever the cause, I decided I had to step in.
"Why don't you pick on somebody your own size!?"
Yes, I really said that. I know, I know, it was an incredibly cliché thing to say, and at least a little homosexual, but fuck man...I was eight!
Now, setting the lame aspects of my outburst aside, there was another reason why it was a stupid thing to say. If the age gap doesn't make it immediately obvious, this kid was a lot bigger than I was. Factor in that I was the shortest male in my class until I grew eleven inches from eighth grade until my freshman year of high school, and my poor decision making skills become even more apparent.
The bully also noticed our size difference, and shortly after laughing vociferously at me, he began rapidly hitting me about my chest and arms.
I didn't fight back immediately; I suppose the whole thing took me aback. Sure, I had pretty much invited him to start pummeling me, but having never even come close to being in a fight at the time, the feeling was a tad surreal, as if it wasn't me that had threatened the giant kid and was presently being assaulted by him.
Luckily for me, getting hit in the chest isn't very effective, unless you're aiming for the solar plexus. After taking a few shots to the chest, I gathered my wits about me, and delivered a right roundhouse kick to the bully's ribs.
I have been in a fair number of fights since, but not one of them has been as satisfying as this one. I am by no means an advocate of violence, and tend to think the use of it is unnecessary and excessive, but I can say with no shame that this was one of the most satisfying moments of my life. Even better than when I lost my virginity.
The incredible slapping sound of wet, naked flesh on flesh, coupled with the sick crunching sound of the bully's ribs was so manly and homoerotic at the same time, that while experiencing the premature dropping of my tiny, eight year old balls, I had to suppress the urge to ass rape this kid as he lay crumpled and crying in a pathetic heap on the wet grass.
"You saved my life!"
The six year old immediately ran over and started hugging me, and the gratitude didn't end that day (this isn't a bubba post, get your fucking head out of the gutter). For the rest of my time at the YMCA, I exploited the hell out of this kid, as much as an eight year old could exploit a six year old, anyway.
If he had any candy I liked, it was mine. If there weren't any swings open, no problem, I could have his. Got to the ball box to late? He would gladly hand over the basketball he grabbed; I had saved his life, after all. It was the American Dream in action, and it was all thanks to a little testosterone and a short display of male domination. If it wasn't for me, he would have to give up all his candy, now he lived the good life of only having to give up about 60% of the things he owned.
On second thought, he would have been better off if he had just taken the ass beating.
I truly am a descendant of the colonials.
16 People.m4a (4 MB) [audio/m4a]
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-05-09 08:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.400monkeys.com/God/
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-05-03 09:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, this made me think of this: http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/
I'm not sure why.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-02 15:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha, actually, because they taught you to yell "De!" when you kick and "Ha!" when you punch, I totally yelled "De!" It's important to breathe whilst unleashing dangerous martial arts on unsuspecting ten year olds.
Why didn't I put that into the story? Oh well.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-05-02 13:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you unleash some kind of high-pitched kiai or something when you kicked him, like Mr. Lee would've done? 'Cuz that would've been AWESOME.
Er! Awesome-er!
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-02 12:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick his ass Seabass!
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-05-01 16:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
retal
punk
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:47:42 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read it. But I feel bad for picking on you earlier.
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You shouldn't do. Not only is Haiku REALLY fat, his girlfriend is hot.
He is living the dream and thus impervious to all criticism.
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Wow, Berty, aren't you the intuitive one!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:38:08 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read it. But I feel bad for picking on you earlier.
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No way man, we had some good times, you and me.
Plus, I'm morbidly obese, and have an incredibly attractive girlfriend, so I'm pretty much immune to internet critique.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read it. But I feel bad for picking on you earlier.
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You shouldn't do. Not only is Haiku REALLY fat, his girlfriend is hot.
He is living the dream and thus impervious to all criticism.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read it. But I feel bad for picking on you earlier.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"but I can say with no shame that this was one of the most satisfying moments of my life. Even better than when I lost my virginity."
---
Rethink.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bosh
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 04:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to remember so much of my childhood but now everything has faded to nothing. I struggle to remember stuff when I was a teenager, which was only 6 years ago.
It's a sweet release really, like ejaculating over the edge of a cliff.
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2008-04-30 21:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-30 17:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am into qouting other today : )
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 haiku
even though you have no vagina
*****
hahahahaaa
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-30 15:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-30 12:21:27 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 asiafag
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You don't like Bruce Lee? The man ripped out a chunk of Chuck Norris' chest hair, and then proceeded to kill him, with his fists! How could you not get behind that?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-30 15:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 asiafag
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-04-30 15:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was you?!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haiku "fisticuffs" mikoo
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 haiku
even though you have no vagina
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You better hope I don't see you around the slip 'n slide, mister!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-30 14:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i mean i started reading this and then I just thought..."isn't this guy a cock" and then I stopped and produced this review, it has no relevance to your story other than it splitting equal time with all the other reviews.