What Lies Beneath the Mask of the Burger King? (703 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.45 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-04-30 20:20:45 EDT
There is something disturbingly and frighteningly wrong with "The King". I know it. You know it. The upper management at Burger King knows it. If I have learned anything from television, movies, and comic books it's that I live a sad, lonely existence. But it has also taught me to fear any and all characters that parade around with masks and capes.
Darth Vader's outfit kept an extra crispy paraplegic alive so that he could intimidate and terrorize a universe. Dr. Doom's body armor also served a much similar purpose. Batman's parents were killed right before his very eyes after he begged them to leave a movie before it was over because he was being a pussy. Beneath the Ironman armor lies Tony Stark, an alcoholic. A disfigured maniac lurks beneath the mask of the Phantom of the Opera. An overdramatic cheesy actor lives beneath the toupee on William Shatner's head. A pedophile with frighteningly low self esteem hides beneath the countless plastic surgeries that are Michael Jackson.
There is something unholy and evil under that damn grinning mask. In every commercial "The King" moves with the silent terror of Michael Myers . What's under that mask? Is it some middle aged fry cook that had a horrible accident on the late shift? Is it some former Burger King board member that Dave Thomas and Ray Kroft roughed up and left for dead like what happened to Darkman?
My theory is that Ronald McDonald and the pig tailed whore Wendy were at a mascot convention years ago. The last night all of mascots attending the convention go to a big party complete with dinner, dancing, and drinks. Too many shots of tequila were followed up with regrettable, embarrassing drunk sex between Ronald and Wendy. When they woke the next morning in a makeup/cum stained cheap hotel bed the only thing worse that their hang over was the fear that maybe a certain clown didn't use protection and that a certain girl wasn't quite 18 yet. They parted without saying a word. If the world know that Ronald and Wendy got it on the consequences would be disastrous. The fast food equivalent of Romeo and Juliet.
Months later Wendy had definitely missed her period and was slowly gaining weight. She took a leave of absence claiming that she was becoming over stressed and needed to take time to evaluate her life. Afraid that not granting the request would result in her leaving for good, Dave Thomas granted her an extended vacation. She dyed her hair and rented a cheap apartment in a small town in Los Angeles. She stayed their without contacting a soul and gave birth without even going to the hospital. Her refusal to go to a doctor for prenatal care and decision to birth the child alone with even a single person around had dire effects on the baby. What was born that day was disfigured and unwanted. As night descended in LA, she quietly and discreetly abandoned the child in a dumpster and left town.
As she resumed her position at Wendy's the child was discovered by some homeless people. They took the child to a social services agency where it was cared for. Being mildly retarded, there were only so many options for a person like that to work when they grew into adulthood and all of those options had something to do with "do you want fries with that" as part of the job description.
After years of private torment from their guilt and shame, Ronald and Wendy secretly began searching for their love child. They no longer cared about the consequences, all they wanted was to do what was right. They wanted to give their child the love it longed for, the love it deserved.
Cleaning the fry machines one night after the store had closed, "the mildly retarded fry cook later to be known as The King" was surprised to see Ronald and Wendy at the counter. Due to his limited capabilities he was not intellectually, emotionally, or psychologically prepared for what they told him.
"Kid, I'm your father," said Ronald.
Confused and frightened, the young man shouted "dats not twu, dats m pos bel." But he knew Ronald spoke the truth.
Sobbing uncontrollably, he picked up his mop and went back to cleanly the floor around the fry cooker. Wendy reached out for her long abandoned son. He jerked away in fear. The quick movement, retarded motor skills and wet floor combined in a horrible accident sending the young man head first into scalding cooking oil. Horribly burned and in shock he collapsed on the floor. Seeing they failed their child for a second time was too much for Ronald and Wendy. They anonymously dialed 911 and left.
Emergency crews were notified as was the store manager. They arrived to find a horrific site. A young man who gave his life to his work at Burger King was horribly and terribly disfigured. He could not even speak due to the severity of his burns. This young man did his job with more passion and more integrity than anyone ever had in the history of the restaurant chain. But his accident would become his saving grace. The company constructed an elaborate outfit that could allow the young man to live out his days with the rest of humanity. His features would be hidden beneath the façade of a mascot. His passion for his work had made him a king, a Burger King.
User Reviews
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-05-01 18:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad that someone else thinks that Wendy's hot. This is what she looks like today (second from right):
http://www.nationalfamilyweek.org/2007%20NFW%20Web%20Site%20Material/Cornerstones%20of%20Care.JPG
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Y HALO THAR BIZNESS LEEDERS!!!
Great story. I laughed, I cried, I pissed myself with suspense.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-01 15:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-01 13:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-01 13:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by adamleathertramp (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. series?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would've been a +2 if you'd had a picture in there.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad that someone else thinks that Wendy's hot. This is what she looks like today (second from right):
http://www.nationalfamilyweek.org/2007%20NFW%20Web%20Site%20Material/Cornerstones%20of%20Care.JPG
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 comic nerd
+1 knowing lil' bruce wayne was a puss that made the parents leave the show early, causing their death.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing, now if you could have only gotten colonel sanders to tape it.
Submitted by traxadron (user info) at 2008-05-01 08:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it a little, good shit.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 08:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was magic.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-01 08:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Superb. 1 million shades of awesome.
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOur name sucks monkey ass.
Submitted by Fat-Sacks (user info) at 2008-05-01 01:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
why doesn't anyone post about turtles?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-30 21:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot the +1. Mea Culpa.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-30 21:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-30 21:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have "In the hall of the mountain king" stuck in my head now.
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King Crimson - "In the Court of the Crimson King" here.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-30 21:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have "In the hall of the mountain king" stuck in my head now.
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2008-04-30 20:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-30 20:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is better than I expected.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-04-30 20:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just thinking the other week... McDonalds, Burger King, KFC... They all must have managers and area managers and directors etc. I've never known or heard of any type of management people in any of these fast food places. Do they actually exist or are the people who manage them so embarassed of what they do that they ever admit to it?