The Long Awaited and Wayyyy Over-Hyped Seventh Chapter of The Shielded Land + Rape Picture (469 hits)
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Submitted by Registered_S_O (View user info) at 2008-05-01 03:19:48 EDT
(I didn't post this for so long in order to get all my rabid fans worked up into a fever pitch for when the next installment came)
Chapter 8
Minska stood on a platform that had been neglected for ages. Rubble crunched under his boots as he slowly made his way to the top step. The platform was a pale gray, with vines shooting out of its many crack.
Tall slabs of stone ring the small courtyard he was in. Each stone wall left just enough room between each other for a person to walk through. The moon was dim, which lent an eerie cast to this place. Minska quickly descended the stairs and moved through one of the openings.
The next courtyard he found himself in, while in the same disrepair as the last one, was massive. Thousands of people could have assembled here. Stone benches that looked as if they would exploded in a shower of dust should someone sit on them ringed the area before him. There were piles of rubble everywhere, but what had Minska's attention was the item before him.
Set back from the courtyard story a gigantic stone obelisk. A hundred men holding hands could not have encircled the thing. His breath was taken away as he made his way toward the thing. When he reached the base, he craned his neck, trying to see the top. He could just make out where the obelisk began to found to its oval pinnacle.
He placed his hand on the strange object, lightly running his fingertips up and down the incredibly smooth surface. Whoever had crafted such a thing had done an amazing job. Minska felt good when he touched the stone, as if all of his problems were insignificant.
"Minska?" he heard a woman's voice say.
Turning, he saw the back of a woman entering the courtyard he had started in. Something nagged in a back corner of his mind, but it quickly disappeared. He grudgingly removed his hand from the beautiful piece of craftsmanship and followed the woman.
He tripped on a few pieces of rubble near the entrance to the courtyard. When he regained his balance, he looked up to see his mothers warm smile. She was standing on the platform, her graceful hands clasped in front of her. She was smiling down on her son with the same smile she had always given him whenever he did something that made her proud.
"Mother," he began in a small voice "what is this place?"
You know where we are.
Startled, he awoke and sat up in his bed. Even though the nights lately were cool, he was drenched with sweat. He looked out his window and saw only a small silver of the moon. Minska swung his legs over the side of the bed, appreciating the coldness of the stone floor on his feet. He stood up ad stretched, yawning loudly.
Even though he had had a tiring day battling those five men, he felt wide awake now. Minska dressed, deciding he would go to the basement of the tower and continue his studies of Furylin's history. As he made his way through the warren of halls and stairwells, in his head he went over what he had learned so far.
Furylin was a kingdom that both fascinated and disgusted him. The earliest of the history he had managed to find was of the division between the surface and underground. The surface kingdom, who after several decades of trying to bypass the shield, eventually grew complacent with their situation. Certain factions within the kingdom had spoken up for continued efforts to get to the outside. After many deaths of people trying to find a way out, the crown decided to cease all efforts for escape. This decisions didn't sit well with some people.
A dozen men and women had come up with the idea to try and dig underneath the shield. Within a few years of this new project, the number of twelve had grown. Hundreds of people were present when one man had tried to dig past the shield below surface level. He had been killed for his attempt.
Several more years of digging deeper below ground passed, and several thousand people were there to witness someone's demise who tried to get past the shield several hundred feet underground. The futility of penetrating the shield had set in. But while they were unable to escape their kingdom, the few thousand people who had been digging underground found a new place to live. What had started as a mad dash to escape the isolation of flowered into a new place to live.
So instead of trying to dig deeper underground to escape the shield, this division of Furyliners began digging massive warrens of tunnels. They cut living quarters out of the soil and bedrock. Minska had previously found this much of Furylins history, but had to leave to start his another day of soldiering.
As the Furyrider descended the Soldier's Tower with its exquisite craftsmanship and multitudes of creature comforts, Minska applauded the efforts of a small group of people who wanted more than a comfortable living trapped in their own kingdom.
Soon he was in the basement, looking up at the large stone door of this tower's library. He pushed on the door, opening it quietly thanks to its well oiled hinges.
Row upon row of bookshelves that reached as high as the ceiling, containing volumes rich with knowledge, formed long hallways in and of themselves. Minska absently greeted the young receptionist to his right, and didn't notice the lustful smile she returned as he made his way towards the back of the library.
It was back here that volumes dedicated to Furylin and its history were kept. As Minska made the journey to the back, he looked from left to right, appreciating the sheer size and scope of this library. The long, wide open aisles of books led to other rooms with yet more volumes. The multitudes of colors of the spines of books were nearly enough to overwhelm his senses.
Minska had barely scratched the surface of this library with his study of the Furylin history section. He wanted to pick up where he left off, to the continued construction of tunnels beneath the surface. As he had searched more and more for the desired information, he had begun to grow frustrated. None of the books he could find took place in the time period he was looking for. He could only find history on what he had already learned, or things that were several hundred years later.
"The empire of Ieskia is the scariest place I have ever had the displeasure of visiting." Minska heard a man's soft voice saying.
He walked to the end of the aisle then headed towards the direction of the voice. Several aisles down, he spotted a man in grey robes focusing intently on a book he was holding close to his nose. The man had short brown hair that was cropped close to his head, as well as a hunched to his shoulders. Minska guessed that the man must be nearly ten years older then he was.
"Hello." Minska called out, raising his hand in a friendly gesture.
The man continued to pace in the center of the aisle, his gaze never moving from the book.
"Where's Ieskia?" Minska asked, again trying to gain the man's attention.
The man looked up, startled to see that he was not alone.
"I'm sorry?" he said distracetedly, looking back down to his book.
"Ieskia. I heard you say that. I was asking where it was." Minska said in his friendliest voice.
"Due south from here, shy a few dozen miles under one thousand." the robed figured replied with a satisfied smile on his face.
The smile was friendly. Minska smiled back, disarmed by this awkward man's demeanor.
He walked up to the man and offered his hand. "I'm Minska." he said, surprised by the powerful grip that was returned.
"Saiet." The man who was no longer a stranger replied, bringing his nose back down to his book.
Saiet turned away from Minska ad began pacing again. He was quietly reading to himself, having forgotten his new acquaintance entirely. Minska frowned, not sure what to make of the man in plain brown robes before him.
"Where in Furylin do you live?" he asked, attempting to strike up a conversation with Saiet.
"On the first level of this tower." Saiet replied absently as he turned the page of his volume.
"Oh so do I. On the third level with the soldiers."
"So you're a Furyrider. Surprised to see one of your kind down here with items of wisdom." Saiet said, looking up at Minska and fixing him with an intent glare.
Surprised by the man's sudden change in demeanor, Minska was silent for a moment.
"I didn't have much of a choice. Until a month ago, I lived in a city not too far from the shield. Now I'm here."
Saiet's dark frown turned into a look of awe.
"You're the one the other clerks have been all abuzz about." he said with restrained excitement as he snapped his book shut and placed in on a shelf.
Saiet came up to Minska and tentatively touched his shoulder, as if to confirm that Minska was indeed read. For his part, he stood there with a smile as he answered Saiet's barrage of questions. He liked Saiet. He found the robed figures subdued yet jolly personality refreshing.
"I'm sorry about your home." he said, returning a little into his aloofness once he heard of Cyntha's destruction.
"You said you live on the first level of this tower. I take it you are one of the clerks?" Minska asked, wanting to steer the conversation away from talk of Cyntha.
"I can proudly say that I am. It only took five years of being an apprentice." Saiet said, beaming with pride at his accomplishment.
"So I take it you help with the day to day paperwork of the castle?"
"Actually, I'm more of a historian. I have studied this basement library more than anyone I know of. It helps to know the history of the land you rule. That's what Queen Amber told me. I give her answers to a variety of questions she may have."
"Advisor to the queen. That sounds very important." Minska replied, doing his best to keep any sarcasm out of his voice.
"No, not advisor. I answer questions about Furylin's past that either the queen or other top officials may have." Saiet finished solemnly, tilting his head to the right.
"Must be a trying job, what with constantly being called upon to fill in gaps in other people's knowledge of their kingdom."
"Actually, I'm not very busy at all. Rarely do any officials seek my knowledge. Rarer still does the queen. In fact, of the handful of times she asked to see me, her questions pertained to the style of hair and dress of queens from centuries ago."
Minska detected a small amount of scorn in the clerks voice.
"Between you and I," Saiet began in a whisper, taking a step towards his new companion "I find our current queen to be rather...flighty."
Minska's esteem of this scholar of Furylin rose greatly after hearing his own estimation of Furylin's leader echoed by Saiet. Minska chuckled and gave Saiet a friendly slap on the back. Saiet, at first taken aback by the Furyrider's action, gave a small chuckle of his own.
"Well Saiet, I'm sorry to hear that your skills aren't very sought after. Perhaps you would be willing to teach me a bit about Furylin's history?"
"I'd be delighted to. Where would you like me to start?"
Minska placed his hands on his hips as he looked around at the gloomy library he was in.
"This will probably take some time. Why don't we find a nicer spot where we can relax and talk?"
"I know of the perfect place." Saiet replied, rubbing his hands together excitedly at the prospect of putting his knowledge to use.
*****
Minska was sitting on a wooden chair, the cool, crisp night air working to invigorate him. The chair he sat on was nothing spectacular, but it was study and comfortable enough. He decided that it served its purpose well.
In an identical chair across from him, Saiet was gazing up dreamily at the sliver of moon. His hands were tucked into the opposite ends of his robes and were resting in his lap. Minska noticed that the older man maintained his slight hunch even when seated.
Minska was pleased that his new friend had his own secret spot where he could go to be alone. Back home, Minska had discovered his own private sanctuary deep in the woods around Cyntha. A small stream that could be crossed in four steps let off at an outcropping of rock into a valley far below it. At the end of that small stream was this spectacular view of the forest for miles on end. The night time sky there seemed to hang so low that sometimes Minska would reach up and it was almost as if he could grab the moon.
He had spent many days at his solitary spot since his discovery of it. As far as he knew, no one had ever come upon that place. He was glad for that. It made him feel he had found something of the world that no one knew of.
"So, what do you think of this spot as a place to quietly talk?" Saiet asked, bringing Minska back to the present.
"I'm surprised this hidden passageway wasn't holed up years ago." He replied, pointing behind him to the man-sized hole in the castles wall.
"Well, there is a moat separating this spot from outside the castles boundaries not to mention the barrack filled with soldiers." Saiet laughed dryly, running his knuckles over the smooth stone of the castle.
Minska leaned his chair back against the wall and looked up. He couldn't make out the soldiers he knew were up there high overhead that were patrolling the ledge. This part of the castles wall had no tower, so he knew the walk to get to one of the towers would be long. He dismissed thoughts of the Furylin Castle as he brought his chair down on all fours and directed his gaze on the clerk who was tracing patterns alone the stone wall.
"Tell me of the time when the underground Furyliners stopped digging to escape, the time they instead dug underground to build their own kingdom.:
Saiet fixed Minska with an intent glare. By the pained expression he saw pass over Saiets face, he was given the impression he had asked a very personal and sad question.
"The timeframe marks the first great civil war of Furylin."
"Civil War?" Minska said, a thousand different vague ideas about his new home beginning to come clear.
Again, a look of pain came over Saiets face. The man paused for a moment, closing his eyes and whispering something to himself.
"That time was the bloodiest in Furylins history."
"Please tell me about it," Minska said, urging the scholar of Furylin on.
"Furylin Castle was built solely for the Furylin Queen as her stronghold. Not much is known about the Great Aspida, only that the world was embroiled in terrible conflict."
"Aspida?"
"It means shielding in a very old language."
"This is the castle for the Furyliner Queen," Minska said, rapping his knuckles against the wall behind him. "Kosh mentioned that the day I came here."
"I don't think you realize the gravity of such a statement," Saiet said, leaning forward in his chair. "From what little information I've been able to gather, and believe me, there isn't much, the first Queen of Furylin was lauded as a great ruler. She marshaled together the splintered lands together to form what then became Furylin."
Minska sat back in his chair, slightly aggravated.
"Yes that's amazing. I hope to marry a woman that great one day. What's your point?"
"The woman who was queen before and after the shielding was perfectly content with letting some of her subjects try to find a way to freedom. In fact, she encouraged it. It's when they attempted to find a way of life outside of her rule, while still living in her kingdom, that things began to go badly for everyone."
Saiet stood up then and strode angrily to the edge of the inner part of the moat. He clasped his hands behind his back and stared up at the moon once more.
Minska picked up the vile drink he had on the side of his chair and took a long swallow. The strange brown liquid tasted like death, but after a while its affect was soothing. Minska put the cup down and stood up. He felt bad for speaking to Saiet so rudely. He didn't realize the scholar of Furylin was so affected emotionally by the dark history of his homeland. Saiet had provided him with an expensive drink and a comfortable place to sit and talk. Minska reprimanded himself for not having been more congenial to someone who was doing him a kindness.
"By the time the queen of that era had noticed that her subjects were trying to create their own kingdom, thousands had flocked to the cause," Saiet began suddenly, still staring up at the moon.
"At first, the queen had tried diplomacy to appease her people who were fervently digging deeper and deeper underground. When diplomatic methods were exhausted, she had resorted to force."
Saiet turned and again fixed his intent glare on Minska. The Furyrider saw that the scholar looked sick despite the furrow to his brow. But within those eyes filled with sadness was a form of rage Minska had never seen. The various emotions he saw pass through the normally quiet ma was disconcerting.
"Decades of civil war ensued. Eventually, a peace agreement was reached between the surface and the underground, but at a cost of thousands of lives, Both sides were left bitter. I'm sure you've heard mutters from your fellow soldiers about those who live 'beneath' them. That bitterness has persevered through the ages to the present day."
"Why aren't any books of that time in the library?"
"Records of that time exist, but only underground. Perhaps the queen has some books in her personal collection. The peace agreement was a defeat for the queen to be sure. I once read in the official laws that any record made of that time much be destroyed, and anyone creating such records would be put to death. The line of queens responsible for uniting this diverse land to present a strong front against the tides of war is now responsible for trying to erase parts of history because it's an embarrassment. What a funny joke."
Saiet paused and had to talk several steadying breaths. He had begun shouting halfway through his speech.
"I must go," he suddenly announced.
He bade Minska a good night and entered through the crumbling entrance in the back of the castle, and then was gone.
Minska retook his seat and again drank the harsh brown liquid. He spent the rest of the night where he was, contemplating the startling portion of history he had just learned about his new home.
User Reviews
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-05-02 22:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, you overdid it with Saiet's reaction to the dark time of Furylin's history. Wasn't that hundreds of years ago? Why the hell should he care to the point of being visibly upset? It can't POSSIBLY be personal to him, as you suggested, because he wasn't alive, nor was his father or father's father, etc etc. And you'd think a historian would approach history with a little more detachment than that. If anything, he should be more upset that large chunks of history are being omitted from the records, THAT'S something a dedicated historian should get upset about.
I agree with your other points. However, the part about using dialogue to describe the moat and what ot, I've already previously described what the castle looks like. That was intended as useful information to include.
Also, your point above, another big plot point within this very story.
Thanks for reading and i definitely find the comments on this particular chapter quite helpful.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-05-02 10:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Adam has a point, sometimes you overelaborate the most trivial matters. Like when Minska sits in that chair in the Saiet's secret place. "The chair he sat on was nothing spectacular, but it was study and comfortable enough. He decided that it served its purpose well." There's no reason to tell us that.
Also, sometimes you use dialogue as a form of exposition for the reader and it feels awkward, like you're trying to find ways to cram as much information into your story all at once. Like this:
["I'm surprised this hidden passageway wasn't holed up years ago." He replied, pointing behind him to the man-sized hole in the castles wall.
"Well, there is a moat separating this spot from outside the castles boundaries not to mention the barrack filled with soldiers." Saiet laughed dryly, running his knuckles over the smooth stone of the castle.]
When you want to describe things like settings and background to the reader, you should usually have the narrator do it, not the characters. It reads horribly unnaturally and sounds like the characters are speaking to the reader and for the reader's benefit, and you don't want them doing that.
Also, you overdid it with Saiet's reaction to the dark time of Furylin's history. Wasn't that hundreds of years ago? Why the hell should he care to the point of being visibly upset? It can't POSSIBLY be personal to him, as you suggested, because he wasn't alive, nor was his father or father's father, etc etc. And you'd think a historian would approach history with a little more detachment than that. If anything, he should be more upset that large chunks of history are being omitted from the records, THAT'S something a dedicated historian should get upset about.
Keep on truckin'.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-05-01 07:34:21 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You need to read your stuff aloud to yourself. There are so many glaring fuck ups that I often find myself re-reading a line because it doesn't make sense. Also things don't always need elaboration. "the door opened smoothly, thanks to it's well oiled hinges." who cares?
-=====
I didn't read this, but the comment about the well oiled door made me chuckle.
It's good advice, by the way.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Woohoo!
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 fiction.
There is some past and present tense confusion, but it's nice to not have to read Minska 1000 times in two paragraphs. Personally, I think you use the name of the protagonist far too often, but that's just my worthless, faceless, internet opinion.
No you are correct. I'm working to fine tune those out.
Adam, that's actually a pretty good idea.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You need to read your stuff aloud to yourself. There are so many glaring fuck ups that I often find myself re-reading a line because it doesn't make sense. Also things don't always need elaboration. "the door opened smoothly, thanks to it's well oiled hinges." who cares?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Still didn't like it much.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read these and I don't really have the time but +2 for your enthusiasm for the project.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 fiction.
There is some past and present tense confusion, but it's nice to not have to read Minska 1000 times in two paragraphs. Personally, I think you use the name of the protagonist far too often, but that's just my worthless, faceless, internet opinion.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-01 08:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielJackings (user info) at 2008-05-01 07:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs moar rape
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't read a word. Needed more rape.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Picture not as advertised
___
:(
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Picture not as advertised
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wouldn't it of been better to post the edited part six version before this?
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-05-01 03:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is Chapter 7 technically. 6th was the last one I posted, then I wrote a chapter that I have decided to replace 6 with. So chapter 6 is the new one, chapter 7 is where Minska is on the practice field, now this is 8. Will post the new chapter 6 in a couple of days.