The Monkey King (706 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.58 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-05-01 05:14:38 EDT
Chapter One of yet another unfinished novel.
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Suspend your disbelief, friend, for I must tell you of Hovis, the Monkey King. He lived in a vast palace, suspended high among the treetops of a remote South American jungle, and at one time or another, he has been to me a best friend, a trusted father, and a loathed nemesis. Hovis was the last ruler of the grand and ancient realm of the Old World monkeys, and his reign was liberally sprinkled with mania, generosity, euphoria and death. I came to know Hovis intimately towards the end of his time in power. I must start at the beginning, however, since I have heard that it is a very good place to start.
In February 1967, the heavyweight champion of the world, Muhammad Ali, was stripped of the belt for his refusal to take part in the Vietnam War; in June of the same year, the Beatles released the famous Sergeant Pepper album; and in July, I, Fraser James Bell, graduated from University with a thoroughly average degree in English Literature.
After graduation, I was so consistently harassed by my family about my imminent employment prospects that I took up an offer from a guy with whom I was vaguely acquainted, to go travelling for a few months. His name was Alexander, and if I'd had any notion of the bother he was getting me into I would've ran for my dear life when he asked me, innocently enough I suppose, "Man, d'you wanna come to South America?"
It sounded like the perfect escape from the persistent interrogation of my parents and the boredom of Scotland, and I agreed to go on the very same day, much to the annoyance of my dear family. We left on August 13th, seven days after my twenty-first birthday; our destination was Fortaleza, Brazil. Whether we ever got there or not is anybody's guess.
My companion, Alexander, was decent enough company on the trip. We left on a grubby-looking vessel not much larger than a ferry from Ireland, and the voyage was expected to take about three weeks, weather permitting, of course. The plan was to go to Rio de Janeiro, to see the big statue of Our Lord.
After that, we would see what took our fancy, living from town to town, picking up brief employment here and there, and have a smashing time. Alexander would speak eagerly about the forms of the Brazilian women that he'd heard so much about, and of the beating sun, and the golden beaches. Sitting in our tiny cabin, I dreamed happily about the blissful promise of some peace and quiet for a month or two, and passed a bottle of whisky back and forward, musing naively about the fun that lay ahead.
"D'you think there'll be any blondes in Brazil?" I recall him asking. "Or are they all dark-haired?" Alexander preferred blondes, you see. Didn't mind brunettes, and wouldn't sniff a ginger, but he loved a golden-haired lady.
"Nah," I sniffed, taking a harsh sip from the bottle. "They'll all be dark-haired. It's the sun, gives 'em that dark Latino complexion. If you wanted a blonde, my friend," I took another glug and passed the bottle back, "you should've booked us on a ferry to Scandinavia, or somewhere."
Alexander sunk deeper into his chair. "Aye. That would've been braw". He was a nice enough fellow, and it was an awful shame what would become of him. We might have been friends still.
I was woken one night, violently, when the wall next to my bed suddenly leapt forward and battered into my face, throwing me bodily from the quilt. The floor was about two feet beneath where it should have been, and it flew towards me at a high speed as my tired body dumped onto it. The boat was being thrown wildly from side to side, Alexander was not in his bunk, and I had to grab onto the doorway to try and steady myself. There was yelling from above deck, and when I clambered up the stairs - after being considerably bruised from wall to wall - I was met by a chaotic, terrifying scene. This was my first sea voyage, you see, and I had daftly assumed that the relative peace, which had reigned supreme thus far, was the status quo for such journeys.
I couldn't find Alexander, but then again I couldn't have found my feet if you'd asked me. The world outside was black, even though it must have been well after sunrise. The sky looked as though it was lingered within touching distance; just one awful, huge, rumbling cloud that enveloped us on all sides; the kind of cloud that you see in the distance, and actually go to the bother of pointing it out to someone, such is the menace it contains. Well, I could have spat on it, this one was so bloody close.
As well as the lack of any kind of light source, there were terrified wee men charging around, screeching like - well, like monkeys, as much as it pains me to say. They were diving from side to side, trying to judge the hideous rocking of the ship, with ropes and buckets and God-knows what else in their hands. Great waves battered ferociously into the side of the boat, and the ceiling of clouds battered us with raindrops the size of your fist.
"Alexander!" I screamed, but there was no point. I could've fired a pistol and no-one would've heard it. "Alexander!" I yelled again, as a short, stern-faced man bundled into me, gibbering. Praying, probably.
"Bugger this," I muttered, looking around for some element of safety. It was mayhem. I didn't have the first clue about seafaring, particularly when it looked as though the Earth might just actually be imploding above our heads, and I was terrified, wet, bruised and cold. I stumbled downstairs, roaring in an unattractive blend of blasphemy and pious prayer, and slipped back into my cabin; my natural timidity inadvertently saving my life.
.....
User Reviews
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-05-02 10:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, this was pretty good. I liked it. And though I have a bizarre man-crush on Berty, I disagree with his criticism of the name Hovis, which I thought was kind of cool-sounding. The "I heard that is a good place to start" line is a cool one, but doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the narration. And I liked the banter about Brazilian women, though the line about how Brazilian women have dark hair because it's sunny made no sense. The sun bleaches hair, it doesn't, uh, burn it or whatever.
All in all, good show.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-01 13:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed the story but there were quite a few mistakes and stuff. i do wonder if some of the things i had issue with were because of your "home" language but who knows. or cares for that matter. I'd read more.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry Flash, but this didnt grab me. It was good, few little errors but nothing that took away from the story too much. My problem is that it didnt grasp my attention enough to get me waiting for the next part. It just wasnt long enough, I know that goes against the grain here on the attention span deficient place known as Ubersite where if it doesnt consist of 4 lines containing cunt, fuck, ass rape people switch off.
I didnt care about him losing his mate as I didnt know enough about him to care, and to be honest his conversation was banal anyway.
Anyway this is only my opinion so who cares?
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i could read more of this.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh.
Submitted by jasumthin (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-01 07:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought man +2 on 20 ratings...must be gold and then I read it and thought...what?
And then I noticed that of the 20 reviews 16 were either you or other users rating multiple times
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It's interesting how some people truly resent the idea of people being chummy on Ubersite and wittering away, whereas others see that as the whole point of Ubersite.
The epic war of content versus community! Ah, such battles that have been fought over the years.
He's right though, it's a good story, a good post, but it isn't that great. It's not Bickerstaff.
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I find your assumptions funny Berty, I alluded to the reason behind the rating I made with the term "what" and then just made an observation....but please keep digging
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more tapirs.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 09:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-01 07:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought man +2 on 20 ratings...must be gold and then I read it and thought...what?
And then I noticed that of the 20 reviews 16 were either you or other users rating multiple times
-----------------------
It's interesting how some people truly resent the idea of people being chummy on Ubersite and wittering away, whereas others see that as the whole point of Ubersite.
The epic war of content versus community! Ah, such battles that have been fought over the years.
He's right though, it's a good story, a good post, but it isn't that great. It's not Bickerstaff.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-01 08:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw my title in the title, and this got an automatic +2.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-01 07:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought man +2 on 20 ratings...must be gold and then I read it and thought...what?
And then I noticed that of the 20 reviews 16 were either you or other users rating multiple times
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 07:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm up for it. Typos = blowjobs.
So long as you don't mind stubble and chapped lips...
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wait HOLD THE PHONE
am i right? have i heard correctly? if i spot errors in your writing i get head from you, personally, right now?
im going to go read this brb
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only ever post complete crap, so could probably do with the +2s. Deal.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you should go to his house and suck his cock. Seriously. It would change Ubersite forever.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno. How about the next time you post I gush +2s all over it like a house-wife on a sybian.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Prize being..?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yup. You spotted the deliberate mistake, and win a prize!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"as though it was lingered within touching distance"
You missed that one too. Surely 'lingered' or 'was lingering'?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Piss. Just realised I used the term 'battered' twice in one sentence.
God, my proof-reading skills are completely non-existent sometimes.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-01 06:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this, it will be interesting to see where it goes.
A few lines seemed odd but didn't put me off too much.
Nice.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your comments have been noted, processed and filed. Much appreciated.
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Um... I don't know how you operate, but where I'm from that is code for 'ignored'. That's fine and everything, I mean it's your creation. You can take or leave my comments and suggestions.
Of course it's perhaps worth noting that I'm always right about everything, but you know... your call. Although I guess, thinking about it, if this is something you did yonks ago then you're probably already aware of those things, especially as the only reason I'm always right is because I only ever state the blatently obvious.
So yeah, I'll shut up then. Sorry for wasting your valuable time.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah Berty I posted it for some decent feedback.
Your comments have been noted, processed and filed. Much appreciated.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not nitpicking, am I? I don't want to nitpick. This was well written, in that I didn't stop half way through to stare at the ceiling and shout "OH MY GOD I AM SO HORRIBLY BORED THAT I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO GO FOR A RUN OUTSIDE" which I sometimes feel like doing reading some of the tripe that I read.
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your style.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apart from the points I've raised there, it's good reading. Not too partial to the jibber jabber about blondes vs brunettes. That was a little bit hackneyed. Perhaps they could talk about their immediate situation of being on a boat? Maybe they could talk about something to give us a better understanding of their characters, some dimension beyond their libidos.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I must start at the beginning, however, since I have heard that it is a very good place to start."
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That's at best a cliché and a rip off at worst.
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Yeah, didn't like that either.
Braw is a vastly underused term.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's at best a cliché and a rip off at worst.
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Its from the Sound of Music and its something I say almost every day...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just a working name, Berty. I call most of my characters 'Hovis' or 'Fanta' or 'Heinz' while I am sketching out ideas.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I must start at the beginning, however, since I have heard that it is a very good place to start."
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That's at best a cliché and a rip off at worst.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 05:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right, yeah, not read this yet (although I'm sure it's great) but "Hovis"? Seriously?
If you ever want to get published you'll want to sort that out.