A Totally Self-Absorbed Story About My Life, Because I Can. (807 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.8 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2008-05-01 10:40:09 EDT
Lol OMG! Who the fuck are you!! Lol like we care omg get over yourself!
Fuck off. Simply put.
If you have any interest in a little soirée into the past few months of my life, then feel free to read on, and for those of you that don't, it'll probably still be of relative interest.
On September 6th I bought my first place with my fiancée. On October 26th we split up, because she fucked someone else. I wasn't bothered; I hadn't been fucking her for a long time so it wasn't like I was stirring another mans milk. It was just that she'd gotten really fat, rude and obnoxious. She was aggressive and abusive and just a general cunt.
SO when she fucked someone else I originally didn't really care. It was when I got paid a bonus at work and I wanted to put Sky TV in and she said no, that I thought 'Fuck it. Man up and actually dump this cunt. She fucked someone else and you couldn't be less happy.'
So I ended it with her.
I spent the next 6 months sleeping in the spare room on a sofa bed. I've done my back some massive damage, and I was still paying the VAST majority of the bills. I felt bad ending a 3 year relationship, and I didn't want to throw her out. With hind sight I wish I'd either paid someone to kill her, or kicked her out... either way.
Anyway on the Tuesday 25th of April the Mortgage finally changed names from ours into just mine. She'd moved out the day before, and I remember this great feeling walking up to my house. A real sense of pride and ownership. When I opened the door I couldn't have been more shocked.
Chunks missing from the wall, marks all along it. They'd obviously been back to move more out. The welcome mat had long since been taken. I walked up stairs and into the master room.
There was grease all over the floor and walls. My wardrobe door had been pulled off, bits of plaster had been knocked out of the wall, rubbish all over the floor. My walk in wardrobe had had the rail pulled off, all my clothes dumped on the floor. The door handle had been pulled off and the mechanism inside removed.
All the lights had been fucked with too, and she'd left her bed and massive TV for me to deal with on my own.
The kitchen had shit everywhere, stuff all over the floor. Little did I know until 2 months later that there was also some rotting food left in the oven.
I had all my art off the walls stolen, and she even stole a vase my Grandma gave to me. She stole a digital camera and a digital camcorder.
She owed me over £200 in bills, and little did I know until a month later that she also hadn't paid some bills at all. This affected my credit as the house was listed as 'In Debt'.
That night I had a friend take me out and get me paralytic.
The next day I threw all her stuff out on the street. I spent the whole day cleaning the house. I contacted my solicitor in regards to the stolen property, but because we had been living together she said it wouldn't be worth pursuing. I resigned myself to the fact that she was out my life.
She is the only person in the world I would not mind see dying. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. I'd probably start it.
I don't care now. It's all over. Me hating her implies she has control over me. I don't hate her, I'd just enjoy watching her suffer.
Anyway, I then went on Safari, courtesy of my folks; which was awesome. I saw all this incredible shit in the wild; Lions, giraffes, elephants, buffalo, leopards, cheetah, rhino and a shit load more. It fucking rocked. South Africa is awesome, except there's a lot of yarpie cunts there. But most of them were pretty cool too.
SO I came back off holiday ready to rock, I set up my Super King sized bed, my desk and everything else. The house looked fucking awesome.
2 leather sofas and 47 inch 1080p LCD TV with a PS3? Yeah I have it. It fucking rocks.
I have the best girl now, she's got an awesome body, looks hot, good to talk to and we have some serious fun. I finally got my sex drive back too, so fucking her is a more than regular occurrence.
One of the things I didn't realize until the fat cunt left, was how much she'd held me back, and how little she made me feel. I genuinely feel really free, which is why I haven't been writing that much recently... I'm not angry or upset... I am really fucking happy!
It's an odd feeling.
Anyway, after I got back and set up my house, I was having major issues with my job. I was on £18500 plus around £4,000 in commission, but I was getting fucked. I hated it.
So I thought fuck it. I refuse to be held down any more. I applied for a new job, which I got.
I now have a basic of £29,000 and commission OTE is expected to bring in another £20,000. I work from home and they pay for all my phone bills, internet, I get a laptop, Blackberry, credit card... the works. I have a fucking profession again. I'm aspiring and climbing my own god damn fucking mountain.
These cancerous fucking leaches in my life like my Dad, my Step Dad (not as bad as the others, but still), my two uncles and the fat cunt have all been cut out. I have literally taken a scalpel and shredded them out. I have cut them out entirely.
Do you know what feels really good? I'm 21... I have a house, a great job, a car, a beautiful girl on my arm... everything I could ever fucking want. It's like a modern day spiritualisation... I have reached this odd state of mind which few in this day and age reach. Pure fucking happiness. Yet I still want more... I'm happy with where I am at... but I want more... I always will. I promise you will see me one day with a lot more than what I have now. These absolute cunts have tried to take my fucking spirit... they've tried to break me. I would smash anyone of their faces in, in anyway possible. Why? Because I am so much God damned fucking better than any of them.
So what's next?
Well, I don't need a lodger any more, so I'll sell the bed and shit on Ebay and turn that into my new office. I'll leave my beautiful Mac in my room and set the spare room up as my little hub.
You doubt me? Nobody will ever doubt me again. I swear to you, I will make all those who stood before me and laughed eat their fucking words. I will watch their eyes as I shove my superiority down their throat. I'm back in the gym... I'm back in my head... I'm fucking back baby; and fuck me does it feel good.
If this came across as arrogant, then you're mistaken. This is confident and happy aggression, mixed with a passion for life and so much more.
User Reviews
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2008-05-03 02:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think it's sad you have to be so defensive to write about yourself. I mean, sad that our world is such that you have to.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-02 00:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-01 18:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy - Rancid's on tour. Got your tickets?
Not yet...didn't know. I'm out of the loop, apparently.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-01 20:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Having established that you were engaged to a fat sociopath at age 21 the subsequent "Master of my own universe" epiphany came with a grain of salt.
Also, it's a shame you didn't charge her for all the damage.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-01 20:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"If you have any interest in a little soirée into the past few months of my life,"
Is anyone on this website actually literate?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-05-01 19:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you're 21. there'll still plenty of time for your life to go to shit. congrats on not marrying tons-of-fun though.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-01 18:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy - Rancid's on tour. Got your tickets?
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-05-01 18:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
blog
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-05-01 17:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad for a 21 year old.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-05-01 17:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-05-01 17:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoy it.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-05-01 16:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT
Actually I did. Good for you.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-01 15:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
her story:
On September 6th I bought my first place with my fiancée. On October 26th we split up because he could never keep it hard long enough to satisfy me.
So I fucked the hot pakistani gardener and FINALLY had a decent orgasm.
My fiancée cried and begged, but when I told him it was over he went completely apeshit and practically destroyed the place. It was sorta funny because it was mostly his stuff.
Now I'm living with a hot commodities broker who makes £300,000 a year and doesn't need his mommy and daddy to pay for safaris.
And he doesn't whine like a little bitch on the internet.
I'm getting fucked proper now baby, and fuck me does it feel good.
I'm confident and happy, with a passion for life and so much more.
What a fucking pussy!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-01 14:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2008-05-01 14:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey I'm a yarpie cunt you fuck. Glad you enjoyed visiting our great nation though.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-01 14:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
her story:
On September 6th I bought my first place with my fiancée. On October 26th we split up because he could never keep it hard long enough to satisfy me.
So I fucked the hot pakistani gardener and FINALLY had a decent orgasm.
My fiancée cried and begged, but when I told him it was over he went completely apeshit and practically destroyed the place. It was sorta funny because it was mostly his stuff.
Now I'm living with a hot commodities broker who makes £300,000 a year and doesn't need his mommy and daddy to pay for safaris.
And he doesn't whine like a little bitch on the internet.
I'm getting fucked proper now baby, and fuck me does it feel good.
I'm confident and happy, with a passion for life and so much more.
What a fucking pussy!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-01 13:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 happiness
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-01 13:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-01 13:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice one.
I had to move to the US to make it happen to me.
LOL at your puny salary though.
--
Shlongy has been franchised. Apollo is the UK edition.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-01 13:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice one.
I had to move to the US to make it happen to me.
LOL at your puny salary though.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-01 12:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No one cares about you or your life. You're essentially a happier version of PerkMan.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-01 12:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So many of these kinds of posts lurking around. Some pathetic, some quite entertaining. Good job, you're not lame. At least I don't think so anyway.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-05-01 12:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, GC is a little bitter after Renaldo left him for the cabana boy they had a threesome with, skipping away, hand in hand, into the sunet
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-01 12:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 08:42:57 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
whatever you do, don't let this new one move in, either.
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Monty! I swear that's not like you to say a thing like that. Goodness gracious, what has come over you?
Did you see someone die in Iraq and come over all '1000 yard stare', emotionally remote sort of thing?
=================
my issues have little to do with Iraq.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HUZZAH
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
whatever you do, don't let this new one move in, either.
-------------------------
Monty! I swear that's not like you to say a thing like that. Goodness gracious, what has come over you?
Did you see someone die in Iraq and come over all '1000 yard stare', emotionally remote sort of thing?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You and Perkman had the same Junior High English teacher, didn't you?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
whatever you do, don't let this new one move in, either.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
At first I thought this was written by perkman. This sounds exactly like his retarded "my life doesn't actually suck" fantasies.
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It does, doesn't it?
I've known a fair few people in my life who have difficulties with telling the truth, not maliciously mind, and this just sounds, well, familiar. Not saying you haven't had problems, of course, just that it looks like you've dressed them up in a fancy suit and tie.
Then again I'm a terribly meek fellow and rarely find myself in such extaordinary situations.
£29k is a sales manager salary, so the whole working from home thing'd be reliant on making calls to businesses and generally doing a lot of driving around. It's odd work, Sales, hard too. Not anyone can do it, you've got to be a very particular kind of person. It can, if you're not that kind of person, fuck with your head and you're only 21 so...
Are you sure you haven't just applied for the job? I'm just saying people recruiting for those sorts of positions usually look for a little bit more experience, although I've seen people in their 20's recruited into them in the past.
Well whatever. I'm sure you'll love it.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm tired. If that's how you inteded it, I apologise.
I would like to point out that I have had a rough few months! I'm used to getting my back up quickly.
Girls suck... in a totally 'i'm not queer' kinda way.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Little did I know until 2 months later that there was also some rotting food left in the oven.
=====
Not having used your oven for two months amused me. Also, I can kind of relate to the transition from crazy bitch (f.e., heating up a butter knife on the stove and branding her own arm with it, wtf?) to awesome lady.
Can't relate to the materialism and emoticons too much, though. If I didn't have this woman, I'd be back to living off a little under three thousand dollars a year. Presently I'm getting my degree so I can afford to breed if I so choose.
Hey, I had to read about YOUR crappy life.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you related to Perkman?
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I thought exactly the same thing.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was actually congratulating you and saying that things get even better from here in a sarcastic fashion but please....read into things more and throw hissy fits...its entertaining
seriously bro....why the fit?
at 21 things are good for you....at 26 they should be even better because regardless of what you might think there are always more lessons to be learned
unless you're shlongy
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could have dealt with the trashing. It was the fact she stole my cameras and stuff. That was pretty weak, they had a lot of good memorys on them.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you related to Perkman?
The only reason I'm not -2ing this shitpile is because I actually feel bad that the fat cunt destroyed your house before she left.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
User id: 31045
Registered on or around: 2007-05-21 10:31:49 EDT
# Messages posted: 5
# Reviews written: 560
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 146
# Hits: 3315
Average rating of all messages: 0.17
Wompom... your opinion counts.
And Mudwhistle, it must suck sitting on your pedestal :( here's a hint; I'll do better than you in life. I'm sorry, someone has to tell you, but you're a tool. Your cutting 'witty' comments just aren't what they used to be any more big boy, and FYI people who say shit like 'grow up', it usually implies they feel insecure, possibly even inadequate about their own age. I've probably reached a level that it took you years to achieve, if you ever even have. But you know what? It's cool man, even if you want to act like an internet bad ass, that's totally cool, and I still wish you all the best.
:D
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sincerely happy for you.
But it won't last. This girl is either gonna get pregnant and take you for a shit load of money, or get hit by a flying meteor. Things never go that good for very long and the fates will see to it that you will indeed be miserable again. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Word of advice. If you want to keep all your shit, ditch the broad. You'll be much happier.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-01 11:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just imagine how cool life will be when you grow up
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
eh heh... eh he he heh...
BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
At first I thought this was written by perkman. This sounds exactly like his retarded "my life doesn't actually suck" fantasies.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, it sucks when the girl gets fat.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. Would have been a better ending if you had tracked down the old G/F and poisoned her with a little Stronium 90.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you fella.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I concur. But I am really happy. SO I don't care.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-01 10:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Last paragraph was well gay, however well done for not being a pussy any more.