I'm dead, what do I do now? (1056 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JesterLilt (View user info) at 2008-05-04 06:04:11 EDT
Jannina was stepping out into a busy street.
A bus hurtled towards her.
She looked up.
Eyes wide, body frozen
The bus swerved to the right.
The corner caught Jannina
Sending her sprawling...
Her head cracked off a pebble dashed wall
She lay limp and lifeless.
Jannina stood scratching her head. Somehow it felt different. Not like scratching, more like sending a ripple through a series of molecules agitating electric charges.
'That was weird,' she thought to herself, followed by, 'What am I looking at?'
'Holy fucking Jesus, shitting buggering hell... Holy fuck... Is that fucking me?' Her mind began to reel. She stood for about 5 minutes absorbing the scene around her.
'So, this is bad because my body is laid out in a crumpled broken heap on the ground spewing blood out every orifice. I could have picked a more attractive way to die, I've definitely looked better. On the other hand, I'm dead but not dead in the way I always suspected I might be. This is not as bad as I thought it would be. I shouldn't make a decision on this until I've found out a little more about it. It could be good... wonder if there's heaven and hell then...'
Clap... clap... clap
"What a way to go! You should have paid more attention you daft bint."
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Nobody in particular, just passing by. Can I help you with anything? My name is Roger."
"Well Roger, I don't think its escaped your attention that I've recently carked it. I'm feeling just a little out of my depth here. Any pointers you might have will be received and appreciated."
Roger stood relaxed on the pavement with his hands in the pockets of his combat trousers. 'Not bad looking...' She thought. 'Stop it! You've just fucking died and you're weighing up whether or not this guy is hot!' He did look set apart from the passers by. He was more a suggestion in the air opposed to a definite presence but there nonetheless.
"So, are you going to explain this to me then? What am I supposed to do now?"
"That's a tough one. Let me put it like this... You can do whatever the hell you want to do. You have no bills, no home, no job, no wardrobe, no car, no boyfriend, and no family. This time honey, the world is really your oyster, a land of opportunity."
"Do I have any special dead powers? Can I walk through walls? Can I possess somebody? Can I rattle chains? Can I call Beetlejuice?"
"You can walk through walls, you can't possess anybody, you can't rattle chains and if you can find a ghost called Beetlejuice, you can call on him."
Jannina mulled this over for a moment, "So I can't drink, can't eat, can't take drugs... can I have sex?"
"No food, no drink but yes, you can have sex. You see, we can interact with each other as we are similar matter. We can't interact with the physical world anymore because we are no longer physical."
"Any sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy in the dead world then? I take it because condoms are physical, men can no longer wear them."
Roger laughs. "No diseases and certainly no babies."
"Right then, so I could fuck you on this pavement, in front of this bus stop, an old lady sitting on the bench, that mother standing with her five year old kid and none of them would know or see it?"
"You could..."
"Do you fancy it then?"
"You catch on quickly."
"Well, seeing as I'm dead, I may as well make the most of it."
"My thoughts exactly. Come here sweetie, I've never fucked road kill before."
User Reviews
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2008-07-06 12:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
crap
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-06 12:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-06 09:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That has put imagery in my head I could really have done without... I have problems enough dealing with my own warped sensibilities.
You my friend, are past help.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-06 09:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My willy has always been more perverse than my brain.
How else can I explain arousal as I watch my gran carve the Christmas turkey?
Submitted by Hobocore (user info) at 2008-05-06 09:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If only..
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-06 09:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-06 13:49:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me too. I was beginning to fear the little guy had risen to his last occasion.
----------------
You might want to be having words with it. I'm sure its not appropriate for it to be responsive to dead people and roadkill...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-06 09:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
s'alright
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-06 08:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me too. I was beginning to fear the little guy had risen to his last occasion.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-06 08:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just pleased to get a reaction.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-06 05:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a neat idea, it made me hard...but a few lines and word-choices made me floppy.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-06 04:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny that, I had to get on the bus on Saturday, first time in ages. Kids screaming, smelly people, old grannies and it was a bendy bus. Bendy busses scare me obscenely. Its a fine balancing art carrying a laptop, a handbag and shopping to get up and ring the bell, get to the door and not fall flat on my ass before getting to the exit.
I was once the only person on a bus besides a load of kids. They set fire to the back of it. I had to go up to the driver and say, "Excuse me driver, your bus is on fire!" He slammed on the breaks, I went hurtling forward landing on my knees and I swear I'm pretty good at disgusting language but I've never heard anything like the curses that came out of his mouth. Highly entertaining albeit terrifying.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I rode the public bus today. It was scary and exciting in a strange way. Kind of like the first time I fucked a girl.
So, basically, what I'm saying is that I popped my cherry today.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2008-05-05 15:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-05-05 14:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the very last line got me
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-05 12:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Scourge - you just don't love me..... *running off into the corner to cry about it"
Yeah right.
On the up side, I've managed to create the prettiest graphs today I think I've ever done! Sweet looking report. A strange sense of achievement for a Monday afternoon, I've managed to side step all the usual waste of time meetings and get some work done.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-05 12:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
didn't love it
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-05 12:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And Janina? Why not just call her Flitoris?
---
hahaha
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-05 12:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-05 10:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Flitoris! Maybe I'll write part II and Jannina can be the Ghost of Flitoris...
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2008-05-05 00:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flitoris FTW!!
Submitted by bjrog2 (user info) at 2008-05-04 23:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining, in a slutty-macabresque way
Another one of these please, Author
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-05-04 20:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Topic's been done, quite literally, to death, and this treatment added absolutely nothing to it. And Janina? Why not just call her Flitoris?
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-04 14:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a 1 until the last sentence
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-05-04 14:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, thanks for taking the time to post this
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-04 14:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Linus - you would come along and spoil it you old scrooge. I was doing well up until you!
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-05-04 13:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Bleck.
Submitted by rawpizzaeater (user info) at 2008-05-04 13:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good one
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2008-05-04 13:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Come here sweetie, I've never fucked road kill before."
GOLD
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-04 13:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, very good.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-04 13:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, I've enjoyed thinking about this today. Lazy sundays parked on the couch watching films and not doing much else. Bliss
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-05-04 12:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ggggguyib
Submitted by watcher (user info) at 2008-05-04 12:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clap... clap... clap
"What a way to go! You should have paid more attention you daft bint."
--Priceless! I swear, if I've gotta go sometime it may as well be amusing to someone. Just so long as I don't die by someone stupid (that'd just be insulting), I'm fine with it.
"just carked it"
--I've never heard that phrase before and I about pissed myself.
Great job!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-04 11:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-04 09:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bizarre but I liked it
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-05-04 09:01:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable.