Ubersite, Inc. to Purchase Disneyland (432 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.18 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2008-05-05 22:31:17 EDT
Los Angeles, Calif., May 6 /PRNewswire-Firstcall/ -- Ubersite Incorporated (NASDAQ: UBER), a world leader in internet content, announced an agreement with Walt Disney Corporation (NYSE: DIS) to purchase the Disneyland theme park for US$850M. Shares of Ubersite rose 4% to $753.44 on the announcement, while shares of Disney were unchanged.
Ubersite's president and CEO, Bart Cilfone, said the acquisition makes sense in light of the company's recent initial public offering. "We've got more money than we know what to do with," said Cilfone. "I've always been a big fan of Disneyland. Now I'll get in for free."
Rob Berg, general manager of Ubersite's lucrative Ubermagazine division, has been tapped take over the theme park, which will be renamed Uberland. "I think I know better than anyone what constitutes good fun," said Berg. "We have some new attractions planned which will be very, very fun."
Some of the planned attractions include:
Movieland
Audition barely-legal young ladies on an authentic Hollywood director's couch. These naïve Midwestern hotties will do anything for a bit part in your next B movie.
Animal Farmland
Real livestock provide all the excitement of Orwell's classic novel with the added satisfaction of bestiality. Dress up like a pig and fuck all the other animals good and hard.
Ethnic Cleansingland
Re-live the excitement of Yugoslavia's last days as a member of the Serbian army. You're on R&R at one of Serbia's infamous rape camps. Hundreds of young widows and orphans to choose from.
Jihadiland
Take your pick of two themes. You can either dress up in an explosives vest and murder a busload of women and children, or fly a passenger jet liner into a skyscraper full of civilians. The real fun begins as you experience the satisfaction of Islamic martyrdom with your own personal harem of 72 Arabian virgins.
Holyland
Use your assault rifle to scour the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps as a member of the Lebanese Christian Phalangist militia. The Israeli army surrounds the camp to ensure no one gets in or out while you take your bloody revenge on the Palestinian vermin.
Master Raceland (European)
Be the one to drop canisters of Zyclone B nerve gas into a sealed chamber packed with untermenschen. Use your Luger 9mm to finish off any survivors. Then supervise the cleanup as slave laborers load the bodies into the actual ovens used at the real Auschwitz death camp.
Master Raceland (Asian)
Experience the thrill of sacking Nanking as an officer in Emperor Hirohito's merciless imperial army. Rape all the women and waste all the men, then burn this exotic, centuries-old city to the ground. Take part in a beheading contest with your fellow visitors. How many Chinese peasants can you behead using only your Samurai sword?
Democracyland
Play the role of an American politician as obsequious lobbyists woo you with money, sex and drugs. Renege on all the promises you made to your constituents and vote for legislation that benefits only special interest groups and foreign countries. Deregulate everything, then wave the Stars and Stripes and point at Iran while the economy takes a big, giant shit. What do you care?
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-06 14:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, I'm obviously missing something because I have no idea what any of you are talking about. Where did phallic's review get pulled from?
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-05-06 13:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-06 09:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that this is not a solid +2 is making me consider (again) losing my Ubersite password.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-06 12:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I absolutely love this. Very fucking funny.
Phallic 1:0 Rob
Sorry Rob, Phallic's review is awesome.
I want give this +4, 2 for the post and 2 for Phallic!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-06 11:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
omg dis is so offensive omg u racist go worsh ur mouth oot with soap !!!1!!11
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-06 09:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that this is not a solid +2 is making me consider (again) losing my Ubersite password.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-06 09:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-06 08:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-06 03:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-06 01:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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See, if you leaf through all of my posts
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Excuse me, I havent got a spare gazillion years.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-06 01:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-06 00:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-06 00:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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the funniest part about this is i know it says something about other people spending their time on him and all i can think when i read it is it must have taken him a little while to type all that shit out.
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This is a rather questionable attempt at humor.
See, if you leaf through all of my posts and cherry pick certain inflammatory words and take various phrases out of context and mix it in with an inexplicable dislike of all things Berg - I guess that is what I sound like to crabbiest of uber's fuckwads.
Seems a little pathetic and sad to me... (and FAR more nerdy than I think they would care to admit)...but if they get their jollies from it ain't much I can do.
...I have to admit, though, it makes me very happy that you didn't get the 'joke'.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-06 01:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was back in '32 when times were hard
He had a Colt .45 and a deck of cards
Stagger Lee
He wore rat-drawn shoes and an old stetson hat
Had a '28 Ford, had payments on that
Stagger Lee
His woman threw him out in the ice and snow
And told him, "Never ever come back no more"
Stagger Lee
So he walked through the rain and he walked through the mud
Till he came to a place called The Bucket Of Blood
Stagger Lee
He said "Mr Motherfucker, you know who I am"
The barkeeper said, "No, and I don't give a good goddamn"
To Stagger Lee
He said, "Well bartender, it's plain to see
I'm that bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"
Mr. Stagger Lee
Barkeep said, "Yeah, I've heard your name down the way
And I kick motherfucking asses like you every day"
Mr Stagger Lee
Well those were the last words that the barkeep said
'Cause Stag put four holes in his motherfucking head
Just then in came a broad called Nellie Brown
Was known to make more money than any bitch in town
She struts across the bar, hitching up her skirt
Over to Stagger Lee, she starts to flirt
With Stagger Lee
She saw the barkeep, said, "O God, he can't be dead!"
Stag said, "Well, just count the holes in the motherfucker's head"
She said, "You ain't look like you scored in quite a time.
Why not come to my pad? It won't cost you a dime"
Mr. Stagger Lee
"But there's something I have to say before you begin
You'll have to be gone before my man Billy Dilly comes in,
Mr. Stagger Lee"
"I'll stay here till Billy comes in, till time comes to pass
And furthermore I'll fuck Billy in his motherfucking ass"
Said Stagger Lee
"I'm a bad motherfucker, don't you know
And I'll crawl over fifty good pussies just to get one fat boy's asshole"
Said Stagger Lee
Just then Billy Dilly rolls in and he says, "You must be
That bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"
Stagger Lee
"Yeah, I'm Stagger Lee and you better get down on your knees
And suck my dick, because If you don't you're gonna be dead"
Said Stagger Lee
Billy dropped down and slobbered on his head
And Stag filled him full of lead
Oh yeah.
------------
Damn that's a great song.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-06 01:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What? Are you serious, Assholy?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-06 00:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-06 00:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is, for me, the best pwnd review in the history of Ubersite. Hands down, the absolute best. I want to suck Phallic's dick, and I'm not even gay.
==========================================================
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-02 01:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, rob, i know you think that getting together with your little clique of Caulaincunt and Phagnum and ripping on me all the time is somehow hurting me, but the truth is, i love it!
You and your pathetic posse of cyber bullies think you get me down, but the truth is this ubersite thing is just one microsecond in a life that is otherwise a big awesome cake with awesome topping on it.
Also, the fact that you took the time out of YOUR life to write that review while i just continued doing what i do, which is working as the extremely successful creative assistant of a small creative company, means that i win even more! I'm that awesome.
So, you and your ring of allies can call me all the names under the sun but if you think it breaks through my massive wall of awesome you are very mistaken.
In fact, almost the opposite! I love coming on here to share in the collective idiocy that is ubersite. This microcosmic community of jackasses, pseudo-intellectuals and genuinely nice and funny people wouldn't be what it is without the collective idiocy of people like you.
I love to think of you, hunched over your little computer in wherever it is you live while i spent most of my day working as the creative director of a large creative company and hanging out with loads of friends.
You see, Ubersite is only a tiny part of my day. I actually have a lot of friends and just enjoy coming on here now and again, for about 2 minutes at a time when i have time off being the creative CEO of a massive, international multi-milllion dollar creative company.
You see, ubersite is not that important to me, but i love the collective idiocy of this group of outcasts, cool cats and people i can genuinely call my friends so, as you sit around pondering for hours what angry little message you're going to write to me next, i just sit back in my castle of awesome, coming on uber about 30 seconds a week and taking in all the attention that you lavish on me.
Oh, so you call me an attention whore, but aren't you a little guilty of that too, rob? In fact, aren't we all? When you see my next plan for "Uberbook", a social networking site based on uber that i've already proposed to bart in my capacity of God of the worlds largest ever creative corporation, i think you'll see that trolls like you just provide material for me and all my successful uber friends to sit back and laugh at while we chew awesome gum in Awesomeville.
So, while you think you are upsetting me, i actually love it when i log on once every 6 months for 5 seconds at a time and see all the attention.
So, to you, Caul, Sphagnum, and all the other haters. Thankyou!
And to the rest of Uber:
<3
Of course. :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the funniest part about this is i know it says something about other people spending their time on him and all i can think when i read it is it must have taken him a little while to type all that shit out.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-05-06 00:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm dissapointed. Ubersite takes over the happiest place on earth, and not ONE young man is raped by Tigger??!
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-06 00:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is, for me, the best pwnd review in the history of Ubersite. Hands down, the absolute best. I want to suck Phallic's dick, and I'm not even gay.
==========================================================
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-02 01:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, rob, i know you think that getting together with your little clique of Caulaincunt and Phagnum and ripping on me all the time is somehow hurting me, but the truth is, i love it!
You and your pathetic posse of cyber bullies think you get me down, but the truth is this ubersite thing is just one microsecond in a life that is otherwise a big awesome cake with awesome topping on it.
Also, the fact that you took the time out of YOUR life to write that review while i just continued doing what i do, which is working as the extremely successful creative assistant of a small creative company, means that i win even more! I'm that awesome.
So, you and your ring of allies can call me all the names under the sun but if you think it breaks through my massive wall of awesome you are very mistaken.
In fact, almost the opposite! I love coming on here to share in the collective idiocy that is ubersite. This microcosmic community of jackasses, pseudo-intellectuals and genuinely nice and funny people wouldn't be what it is without the collective idiocy of people like you.
I love to think of you, hunched over your little computer in wherever it is you live while i spent most of my day working as the creative director of a large creative company and hanging out with loads of friends.
You see, Ubersite is only a tiny part of my day. I actually have a lot of friends and just enjoy coming on here now and again, for about 2 minutes at a time when i have time off being the creative CEO of a massive, international multi-milllion dollar creative company.
You see, ubersite is not that important to me, but i love the collective idiocy of this group of outcasts, cool cats and people i can genuinely call my friends so, as you sit around pondering for hours what angry little message you're going to write to me next, i just sit back in my castle of awesome, coming on uber about 30 seconds a week and taking in all the attention that you lavish on me.
Oh, so you call me an attention whore, but aren't you a little guilty of that too, rob? In fact, aren't we all? When you see my next plan for "Uberbook", a social networking site based on uber that i've already proposed to bart in my capacity of God of the worlds largest ever creative corporation, i think you'll see that trolls like you just provide material for me and all my successful uber friends to sit back and laugh at while we chew awesome gum in Awesomeville.
So, while you think you are upsetting me, i actually love it when i log on once every 6 months for 5 seconds at a time and see all the attention.
So, to you, Caul, Sphagnum, and all the other haters. Thankyou!
And to the rest of Uber:
<3
Of course. :)
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-05 23:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The only problem with the place would be the massive Mao-like banners of berg's fat head plastered everywhere.
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You can be head of the propaganda division, flicks.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HOW DARE U STEREOTYPE MIDWESTERNERS
GO BUBONIC PLAGUE FOR U WOO!!!
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more rape.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The only problem with the place would be the massive Mao-like banners of berg's fat head plastered everywhere.
=================
I love this kid.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Loved it up until the "planned attractions" bit.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The only problem with the place would be the massive Mao-like banners of berg's fat head plastered everywhere.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew Berg would like this.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best thing I've read from you.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.