Bank Holiday Muse (209 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 0 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-05-06 05:49:03 EDT
I had a lovely Bank Holiday weekend, thanks for asking. I went to the park and drank beer and got sun-burnt.
It has also been a productive couple of days, in which I felt compelled to write these three vastly different bits of verse. I don't know what I was thinking with the first; I know exactly what I was motivated by for the second; and the third is a bit of an experiment in meter, rhyme and silliness.
Dear Handyman
COLIN - So, what did you get up to?
MATT - Last night?
COLIN - Yeah.
MATT - Not much, just hung about...
COLIN - In the house?
MATT - ...in the house, yeah. You?
COLIN - Same...
MATT - Just mucked about...?
COLIN - ...yeah, just stayed in. Had a bit of a wank...
MATT - Oh yeah? Any good?
COLIN - Bit of a strange one, in fact...
MATT - Really? How come?
COLIN - Well I wanted it to be, you know, a bit special...
MATT - Bit different...?
COLIN - ...bit of a treat, so I rummaged about for the ol' bottle of lube...
MATT - Sunflower oil?
COLIN - Extra virgin.
MATT - Aaah...
COLIN - So I strip off...
MATT - Naked?
COLIN - Butt-naked.
MATT - Socks?
COLIN - Off.
MATT - Lah-dee-dah!
COLIN - So I'm naked, and I've got my lube, and I turn on a DVD...
MATT - 'Pregnant Panters?'
COLIN - 'Dribbling Cross-Dressers Part XII'.
MATT - Any good?
COLIN - Brilliant. I'll give you a shot, if you like.
MATT - Cool.
COLIN - Anyway, so I've got my cock out, lubing the little fella up, turned on the DVD...
MATT - Get any lube on the remote control?
COLIN - Yeah. Bastard. I always forget.
MATT - Too keen to...
COLIN - ...to lube it up, yeah. Need to...
MATT - Turn the DVD on first?
COLIN - Right.
MATT - So, you're naked, lubed up...
COLIN - Yeah, DVD on, naked, lubed up, stroking away, pulling the foreskin right back...
MATT - Careful now!
COLIN - Well exactly. I'm pulling right back, I can see it shining...
MATT - ...with all the oil?
COLIN - Precisely, and I'm watching the screen, and these girls are seriously nasty, so I lay back and open my legs...
MATT - Going for the ass?
COLIN - Totally...
MATT - Lubing it up?
COLIN - Absolutely. So I've got one hand sliding up and down...
MATT - And the other one diddling your ass?
COLIN - Right on the button, and I think to myself...well...
MATT - What could you use for a dildo?
COLIN - Exactly!
MATT - Been there, my friend. Finger's fine, but...
COLIN - Angle's all wrong.
MATT - Completely wrong.
COLIN - What have you used?
MATT - For my ass...?
COLIN - Yeah, for an ass-dildo...
MATT - Toothbrush, dad's razor..shampoo bottle. You?
COLIN - Well...you gotta remember I was all slippery with the lube...
MATT - So size wasn't an issue?
COLIN - Not at all. And I was, y'know, already...
MATT - Wanking furiously?
COLIN - So I didn't want to have to...
MATT - Get up and go looking for something?
COLIN - Right. So I feel around, and what's on the bed?
MATT - Dunno.
COLIN - Something that's already got lube on it?
MATT - Man, you didn't use...
COLIN - The remote control, thank you very much.
MATT - Did it fit?
COLIN - Perfectly, 'cos of...
MATT - All the lube...
COLIN - Correct. So the remote's in my ass, I'm stroking my foreskin up and down, and let me tell you about the buttons...
MATT - Friction?
COLIN - Like you wouldn't believe.
MATT - Like what it must be like if you use a ribbed condom during sex?
COLIN - I would guess so.
MATT - Shit...
COLIN - So anyway, I finally start to spunk. I've got one hand on my cock...
MATT - And one thrusting the remote control into your ass?
COLIN - Mm-hmm. And that's when it hits me. Tissues.
MATT - You forgot them?
COLIN - Completely slipped my mind.
MATT - Damn. Spunk in a sock?
COLIN - Didn't have time to find one.
MATT - Shoot onto the floor?
COLIN - I was lying on my back.
MATT - Shit, dude, you didn't...
COLIN - Fucking squirted it all over my face, didn't I.
MATT - All over?
COLIN - Everywhere.
MATT - You didn't get any, like, in your...
COLIN - Mouth? Loads.
MATT - Euw. What did it...
COLIN - Taste like? Bogging.
MATT - That's unfortunate,
COLIN - Went up my nose as well. I was sneezing jizz all night.
MATT - That's not cool.
COLIN - Went in my eyes.
MATT - Shit. Could you see...?
COLIN - Couldn't see a damn thing. Went all bloodshot.
MATT - Looks okay now...
COLIN - Really? Thanks man, I washed them out.
MATT - Was that it?
COLIN - Well, I was lubed up and watching pissing girls with cocks, with a textured device deep in my ass, so...
MATT - There was loads?
COLIN - Fucking tons of the stuff. Must've spurted fifteen times before the bastarding thing was empty.
MATT - Sounds good...
COLIN - Aw, it was beautiful...
MATT - But still...
COLIN - Yeah, but still, the shit went in my hair. You know how tough that is to get out?
MATT - Jeez, once it dries in...
COLIN - You're fucked once it dries in. Went all over the pillow-case, too...
MATT - Have to sleep on it?
COLIN - Had to. Didn't want my mum getting suspicious...
MATT - If you asked for clean bedsheets...
COLIN - If I asked for clean bedsheets Mum would get suspicious. 'What the fuck's he been fucking', she would think. Especially after last time.
MATT - With the hoover?
COLIN - Yeah, she went mad.
MATT - So you had to sleep on it?
COLIN - I just had to sleep on it. It was stinking.
MATT - Smell that bad?
COLIN - Ugh. It was brutal.
MATT - Oh, man. But still...
COLIN - Oh, I mean it was awesome. Lubed up and ass-fucked. Watching shemales piss on their own feet. Can't beat it.
MATT - I hear ya.
COLIN - ...
MATT - ...
COLIN - Did you have a wank, too?
MATT - You better believe it. Unreal, it was.
COLIN - Serious?
MATT - Christ, it was out of control.
COLIN - Yeah?
MATT - Yeah, well my dad bought this new leather couch, yeah, and its still got the plastic covering on. So I fish out a bottle of my sister's moisturiser...
* * * * *
A Poem on Polarity
Madness is a fever diagnosed by two extremes
Love can overwhelm, while grief torments our dreams.
Suffering from either can change a person's soul
It never fails to spiral out of one's control.
Love is a condition which only time can mend,
Up and down, all around, feel its subtle blend.
In its finest hour, love can make you cry
Knowing foolish Icarus could never get so high.
Grief is a different beast, stretching mortal limits
It seeks out the decency inherent in the spirit.
It is a pain that barely fades, striking without warning,
Turning thoughts to misery, sorrow and mourning.
Madness is a fever which commandeers the mind,
It heightens every little sense, highlights every find.
In love or grief we find ourselves in a natural state
Free from power high above, designing our own fate.
Love will fade to loving, and grief into regret,
The power of the moment is one you shan't forget.
So embrace in equal measures such depression and desire,
For they are our equivalents of nature's rain and fire.
* * * * *
Jack, Kermit & Snoop
The silly swine drank all the wine and fell straight down the stairs,
The friendly Frog and his pet Dog saw to all his cares.
The pair played nurse throughout the curse, 'til he had recovered,
But when he woke he sharply spoke, asking 'am I bovvered?'
His broken legs were fixed with pegs, but still he tried to walk;
The happy hound heard this sound, and swiftly turned the lock.
The Drunk was trapped, so he clapped, summoning the toad,
'You little beast, fetch me a feast, or I'll hit the road'.
The Frog was tough, he'd had enough of this Drunk's demands;
'Shut your face you damned disgrace, or Dog will bite your hands.'
The silly swine could but resign, his future lay in bed.
He'd been a pest with his requests, by morning he was dead.
The friendly Frog and his pet Dog into tears did burst!
That very night they had a fight; which part to eat first?
* * * * *
And a pretty picture, for balance:
User Reviews
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2008-05-15 07:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
not very good really.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-06 07:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, fine.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116499
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-06 07:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
NSFW you fucking toolbag
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-06 07:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read this at all, but +1 for titties.
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-06 06:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's the kinda art you can masturbate over though.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-06 06:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aaah, come on. That's art, that is.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-06 05:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Some cunt will slam you for not having a NSFW tag on this you know. I'm at home though, so I can masturbate as casually as I want to over the pic.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-06 05:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The first one made me laugh.
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-06 05:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok,
1) I can see the sketch being acted out by the guys in peep show , I liked it.
2) Well ummm nice I think, I really can't make my mind up. Was the flow there or wasnt it? Hmmm I dont think it was. Icarus hmmmm Icarus.
3) Solid work.