So I finally watched Mongoloid Wars this weekend… (430 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.06 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2008-05-06 18:16:21 EDT
Otherwise known as Beowulf.
Christ, I can't remember the last time I saw such a cataclysmically fucked up excuse for a film, and I am a real fan of Zemeckis.
If presented as an audio play it would have worked, thanks to some passable voice-acting (have you heard The War of the Worlds, the version from the 70's with Richard Burton and all the singing and that ullaaaaaa shit? It should have sucked balls, but instead it kicked ass. Anyhow, back to the review). As a visual feast however, this offering made me want to projectile vomit. The wooden nature of the animated characters was painful to watch, making this one of the great embarrassments in the realm of CGI. Ralph's Bakshi's rotoscoped Lord of the Rings characters from thirty fucking years ago moved with more grace and weight that this state-of-the-art garbage, and in any animation, a sense of weight, a sense of mass, is the hardest thing to get right.
For me the most annoying thing was the creepy similarity between the eyes of every character. They all had the same weird eyelids, eye shape, something, fuck, I don't know, there was just a disturbing sameness to their faces, you know, like you see with mongoloids and Mongolians. They should have called it Mongoloid Wars. If they had called it Mongoloid Wars, I bet I would have liked it much more. Hell, I've been on Uber for years now, right? And what is the most prominent feature of Ubersite? That's right... mongoloid wars.
The writing was dicked, the computer generated images generally sucked, and the fucking thing dragged on way too long. In fact, that last line is probably how most of you would review this review.
As with any movie featuring Angelina Jolie, the only high point in this atrocity was Angelina Jolie. Specifically, her nekkid curves and pert little animatitties. It's unlikely those titties are quite as pert in real life these days, but who's complaining? Look at those eyes, those lips! Is that not a punim?
And let's be honest, guys. Did that Lugosiesque accent Angelina was doing not give you an erection so hard it rang like crystal whenever it smacked the bottle of beer you were holding?
If you have not seen Beowulf, skip it. Rent Gia instead. Gia, an HBO movie from quite a few years back, is a real downer, but in the movie Angelina is (1) young, and (2) frequently nekkid, so who gives a shit about the plot, right?
Rating 1/5 for a thinly-veiled, gravity-defying Jolie in the buff.
User Reviews
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-07 09:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116521#2704683
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-05-07 09:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All that comes to mind is from South Park--"Damn Mongoreeans!"
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-07 08:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In Gia wasnt' there a scene where after she's been gang-raped for being a smack whore and she's laying on the hospital bed, isn't her skin falling off in clumps or something?
I can't remember it vividly, it was many years ago, while I was stoned at 3 am working in a motel.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-05-07 04:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Relax, I'm not a racist, and I actuallly kind of like those little monkey-tards, the most gentle-natured and loving of all the brain-fucked.
______________________________
HAHAHAhahaha! jesus fuck, Jack...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-07 03:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I almost downloaded it, won't waste the bandwidth now. My main reason for seeing it would have been Ray Winstone anyway.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-05-07 03:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
those two dudes eating cookies played in a band i was in.
honest.
best fucking rhythm section you ve ever herd.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-05-07 00:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i thought it wasn't so bad.
i've wacthed Alien vs Predator : Requiem last night. now THAT sucked. you can't see shit! i guess turning down the lights isn't only useful for people who want to hide their disgusting porous ginger skin. it also helps cutting production costs.
angelina jolie has feline facial traits.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-06 23:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
don't hate me because i'm muscular!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 23:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"...jumping on the Anti-Jack bandwagon to try and get some legitimacy."
The operative word there is 'try.'
That's the second comment on this post where you've revealed the level of your reading comprehension skills.
I bet you're one of those guys who frowns a lot and and breathes loudly through his nose and feels overwhelmed with frustration when reading a book with a lot of big words. Then you throw the book on the floor and lift weights and tell the guy in the mirror you aren't no dumbass.
Well, I'm signing off. I guess you'll have to hit the weights and the mirror again since I won't be around to see what part of this reply you failed to understand.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-06 23:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ahahaha there's an anti-jack bandwagon which bestows upon its riders legitimacy?
sweet
i call shotgun
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 23:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's HotWillie in a nutshell.
Not one original post, most of them copycat shit. His first post went over like a turd wrapped in a tortilla, so he switched gears and moved away from the Oathmeal tough-guy bullshit and started giving me shit, jumping on the Anti-Jack bandwagon to try and get some legitimacy.
Pathetic.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-06 23:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It really eats you up, doesn't t?
v
v
v
v
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 23:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-06 22:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
as i said, what a timely review
your title has no bearing on that observation, my little self-published friend
are you one of those friendless cheapskates who never sees a film until a year after its release?
i guess that's a stupid question
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News flash, bud. You're the one who compulsively has to leave some asinine comment on every single post I put up, remembering of course to drop a random +2 now and then so Bart won't can your trolling ass.
I think you are the one who needs some friends, or ANY interest outside of Uber.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 22:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-06 22:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And in "Stupid News of the Day", http://www.tampabays10.com/news/local/article.aspx?storyid=79533
WIZAAAARD!
--
Burn him, I say.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-06 22:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And in "Stupid News of the Day", http://www.tampabays10.com/news/local/article.aspx?storyid=79533
WIZAAAARD!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-06 22:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
as i said, what a timely review
your title has no bearing on that observation, my little self-published friend
are you one of those friendless cheapskates who never sees a film until a year after its release?
i guess that's a stupid question
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 22:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-06 21:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Beowulf has so many flaws I'm genuinely surprised you picked the CGI.
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To quote me: "The writing was dicked, the computer generated images generally sucked, and the fucking thing dragged on way too long."
To quote the dvd box: "...groundbreaking filmmaking of epic proportions."
To quote me again: "Bullshit."
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-06 21:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Beowulf has so many flaws I'm genuinely surprised you picked the CGI. While not being photorealistic, it was pretty bloody impressive.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 21:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I am going to have to respectfully disagree, you son of a motherless whore.
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I laughed. I cried. I cursed your father for finding the right hole for once in his miserable existence.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 21:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-06 19:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what a timely review
--
Agreed. I should have said, 'finally watched' in the title of the post as an indication that I'm late to the party.
Wait...
You fucking moron.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 21:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
T -
When T2 came out years ago, I was thrilled by CGI that looks like shit now. Part of that of course was the story. The recent Kong remake had good CGI as well, as did The Hulk. In both cases you had moments where you got a real sense of weight and reality from the creatures. Granted, I think that at this time CGI works best when creating the past or future (the final three Star Wars atrocities were heinous, but they looked great, and look at the CGI used to create ancient Rome in Gladiator), but Beowulf was promoted as this ground-breaking achievement, when it looked like a shitty computer game. If I want to watch a shitty computer game, I'll buy a shitty computer game.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-05-06 19:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
indo and thecaes pretty much said it for me
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-06 19:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what a timely review
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-05-06 19:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus Jack, you can tell you don't watch very many realistic CGI movies. Beowulf is a HUGE improvement over other real-world (i.e. not cartoony) CGI films. There were several moments in that movie where I was stunned by how real it looked -- the entrance to cave, for one, the dragon was totally awesome, and every now and then I'd look at a CGI face and have to remind myself that it was a CGI representation of an actor, not the actor themselves.
Yes, the eyes all had a certain glassy lifelessness to them, but that's a really hard thing to get right, and if you want a real example of vacant stares, watch Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. I challenge you to find a prettier, more realistic-looking CGI film than Beowulf.
Your standards are way too high, Jack. If you want to watch a CGI movie that looks exactly like real life, maybe you should stick to watching non-CGI movies.
Now if you want to complain about the plot and the general mess that was made of the Beowulf poem, that's a different matter.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I am going to have to respectfully disagree, you son of a motherless whore.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the book and loved it. I started to watch the movie on a plane bored out of my mind and even then could not handle the mangle.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you kidding fg3? I watch a LOT of shit and enjoy the hell out of it, but this movie was promised to us as something it never attained. Shameful.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey I watched it and more or less enjoyed it. Seriously people, quit watching movies like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons.
Worst movie evar!
Allow yourselves to be entertained even if it means leaving a chunk of your IQ at the door. Sometimes it does a brain good to take a couple of hours off.
This is why I get a kick out of movie review discussion boards. Always, ALWAYS two or three nerds get into a fight.
I had to read the book in Junior High School. We had a teacher who I swear was a Nazi in hiding.
"ZIS BOOK IST EINEN CLA-SIC! YOU VILL READ IT UND YOU VILL LIKE IT!"
*class grumbles*
"VAT?!"
"Javol!"
"JA. ZAT IST VAT I THOUGHT!"
Shortly after the film hit the theatres, I saw some kid in a bookstore pick up a copy of Beowulf, open it, try to read a little of it, and then petulantly throw it down and walk off in disgust.
Is it really that hard of a book?!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Method-center-above the word Mongolians.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anvagina Jolly?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
MLW got that POS movie on Pay-Per-View this weekend too. 30 minutes into it we were both giving it the MST3K treatment.
"Wass ma name?"
"Beowulf! Hollaback!"
"I said wass ma name?"
"B-to-tha-A-O-WOLF!"
I read the book. Much mo' betta.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought this was about uber madness.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-06 18:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Relax, I'm not a racist, and I actuallly kind of like those little monkey-tards, the most gentle-natured and loving of all the brain-fucked.