Card Night (470 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by orph (View user info) at 2008-05-07 06:20:12 EDT
'Heresy!' he boomed, and threw his hand down on the green felt in disgust.
I hate playing cards with pope Innocent III.
Every time I win, he yells heresy, threatens to excommunicate me or worse still, begins planning yet another crusade.
If that is bad enough, the Cathars that make up the rest of the table constantly draw two pair, and snigger amongst themselves. Some in-joke about duality of purpose or something that leaves me thinking why I ever volunteered to host these games.
I grabbed another round of beers from the fridge and dolled them out as Raymond of Toulouse dealt. The pope threw his back in one draught, and made me get another, as he mumbled insults at the Venetians that sat around the TV in the lounge. Always get distracted he says. Never stay the course he says. Diverted the fourth crusade to Constantinople he says.
I wish he'd get over that. So do the Venetians. They love poker, but can't play until he lifts the last excommunicative papal bull.
Richard, Philip and Conrad dropped in at about eleven - late as usual, and again turned up with a rowdy mob each in tow. I was running short on pretzels and ale, so they planned and executed a raid on my neighbours, hauling back booty and some exotic lasses to get the party into full swing.
Saladin was pissed. I sent William of Tyre back to smooth things over. They seem to get along, what with Sal's penchant for chocolate coated peanuts, and Willy's love of kung-fu movies, they both settled in for the night to watch Drunken Master on video.
Innocent finally won a hand, aces over eights. This brought on a round of postulating and a sermon on just war. He even started pulling down my curtains and cutting up little crosses for us to sew on our clothes. Ray noted that the pope had won with the dead man's hand, which, as you can guess, triggered another round of papal abuse. It only ended when Ray agreed to cede Languedoc and handover succession rights to Louis.
Louis, where to start? Son of a king, this bastard has the moves. Man, he's one cool cat. When it comes to getting down with the ladies, the Capetians know all the right buttons to push.
I busted on the last hand, so was out of the game. Old Innocent let me know it too. I really am starting to dislike him. I went and chilled with the Venetians, but after five minutes I was left sitting in my boxers, wondering how these bastards had fleeced me of all I had without even gambling.
I hit the sack around two.
When I woke up, all hell had broken loose. The Cathars were just smoking corpses, tied up around the kitchen table. Innocent, eyes blazing with what I assume was righteous indignation with a smattering of Christ-inspired piety, chanted some letter from St Paul as he prayed for the souls of the departed. Ray was cowering behind the settee, rightly assuming he would be next.
The three kings had left, leaving me a drunken rabble to clear out. Each one insisted on me granting them indulgences for the night's revelry, so I herded them past the pope in the kitchen, and he sprinkled a few drops of Evian on them as I kicked them out the back door.
I couldn't handle this anymore. I dressed and left, only to find those bloody Venetians finalising the sale of my house, and negotiating trading privileges with bloody Alexius from down the street. Never, ever trust a Greek.
Sal and Willy were still up, so I grabbed a spot on the couch to catch the end of Pray for Death. We all love Sho Kusogi.
Tomorrow we'd plan the Reconquista.
I needed my place back for the game next week.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-09 06:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
----
I pity the future of the UK...
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
To be honest, some of the content lacking posts are better than this!
Gave me cat AIDS in the eyes just reading it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-07 21:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-07 14:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-07 12:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I'd only paid attention in History class I'm sure I could have appreciated this even more.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-07 12:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't all posts be like this one? This was bloody brilliant!
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-07 12:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-07 10:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
orph
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-07 09:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-05-07 07:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-07 07:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-07 07:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The idea of playing poker with a pope really tickles me.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-05-07 06:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic!
Have you ever read The hollow chocolate bunnies of the apocalypse? It reminded me a lot of that. Except the book is about nursery rhyme charactures and toys.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-07 06:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm