Casanova, I Am Not (877 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.06 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2008-05-07 18:30:35 EDT
GIRL: Hey....
ME: .....
GIRL: Hey!!
ME: Hm?
GIRL: Quit staring at my chest, asshole.
ME: I wasn't. I was staring at your collarbone.
GIRL: Oh come on! What kind of freak stares at collarbones!?
ME: The kind that likes breaking them.
GIRL: ........
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ME: Hi.
GIRL: Uh..... hi.
ME: Do you want to dance?
GIRL: Not with you.
ME: What?
GIRL: I said I don't want to dance with you.
ME: No, you misunderstood. I said, "your ass looks fat in those pants".
GIRL: Fuck off.
-------------------------------
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
GIRL: You can, it won't get you anywhere, though.
ME: Well, that's too bad. Is there something wrong with me?
GIRL: I only date older guys.
ME: I'm 23. You look 21 at most. What's the problem?
GIRL: Listen. I'm a mother. You're way too immature to understand what it's like being a parent.
ME: On the contrary. I have a daughter myself, and I'm more than mature enough to realize that that has nothing to do with my ability to fuck you until you squeal like a pig.
GIRL:Ew......
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ME: Do you have a cigarette?
GIRL: I don't smoke. Sorry.
ME: What a coincidence! I don't either.
GIRL: Then..... why did you ask me for a cigarette?
ME: Just looking for an excuse to talk to you, I guess.
GIRL: Uh huh......
ME: .............
GIRL: Listen, you seem really nice, but I'm not interested.
ME: Interested in what? We haven't even had a conversation yet, and you're throwing up all these road blocks!
GIRL: Yeah, and you'd better quit now before I throw out a spike strip.
ME: Hey, that's pretty clever. While we're on the subject of automotive metaphors, how many potatoes can you fit in your tailpipe?
GIRL: Oh God......
------------------------------
ME: Look..... I'm just trying to have a decent conversation with somebody tonight. Do you think we can have at least that? Or am I wasting my time?
GIRL: You're wasting your time.
ME: Jesus Christ. Why?
GIRL: *sigh* I'm HIV positive.
ME: Hey, cool! I took a Hepatitis test once. Got 2 As, a B, and a C.
GIRL: You are a horrible human being. Don't ever come near me again, you insensitive bastard.
ME: Whatever. Watch out for AIDS, bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-05-09 08:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-08 11:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-05-08 09:09:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:24:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by adamleathertramp (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed even though none of these conversations ever took place.
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-05-09 02:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're not the first motherfucker to think up these stinking lines sayeth the Lord.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2008-05-09 01:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gave me wood.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-05-08 18:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed heartily.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2008-05-08 17:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to go, guys. You sure found me out.
Of COURSE none of these ever took place. What I will say, however, is that all of these (except for one) were thought of by me on my way back from work when I figured, "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if a conversation like this could ever feasibly take place?"
So no, none of these are "old" by any stretch of the imagination, except for possibly the "your ass looks fat in those pants" joke. That one was a less-used pickup line joke that I changed to put in a more realistic context. The only reason why I included it was because this would've been too short without it.
Boy, you guys sure exposed me for the sham that I am.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
these are fucking old dude
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"While we're on the subject of automotive metaphors, how many potatoes can you fit in your tailpipe? "
--------------------
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-08 11:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-05-08 09:09:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:24:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by adamleathertramp (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed even though none of these conversations ever took place.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm guessing that just of the comebacks were thought up by YOU, or perhaps even someone else, and definitely not at the same time as the rest of the conversation. Fail.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-08 09:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd be willing to bet money that 100% of these are afterthought comebacks.
Either that, or you're one smooth cat.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-08 07:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-08 19:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
None of it was funny aside from just this huge, negative mass of rejection
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ubersite.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-08 05:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
While I agree with Berty I'm not sure its THAT bad.
Just old.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-08 05:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-08 05:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't get why this has a high rating.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-08 05:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't get why this has a high rating. None of it was funny aside from just this huge, negative mass of rejection that we're supposed to laugh at in a mechanically cynical way.
America is like that though. There's that massive adulation of the 'hit in the nuts with a football' gag, not to mention Benny Hill. So yeah, congratulations. You have represented yourself and your country in a negative light. Quite frankly, posting this should be grounds for you to be sentanced to guantanamo bay.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-05-08 09:09:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:24:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed even though none of these conversations ever took place.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:24:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed even though none of these conversations ever took place.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:24:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed even though none of these conversations ever took place.
======
Sorry honey!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 03:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Buh?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-08 03:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, fuck you too, Hurty.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 03:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:12:42 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed even though none of these conversations ever took place.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-05-08 03:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-07 23:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed even though none of these conversations ever took place.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2008-05-07 23:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed even though none of these conversations ever took place.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2008-05-07 22:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shizzle dizzle
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-07 22:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-07 20:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Skrap- I think YLW and I would get along just fine.
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I suspect you're right, and I suspect it would behoove me to be busy grilling steaks out of earshot and arm's reach should that meeting ever occur.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-05-07 20:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
go with a mail order bride
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-05-07 20:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
also, I meant to say...
"I can attest to that"
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-07 20:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Skrap- I think YLW and I would get along just fine.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I have a thing for collarbones. Clavicles. mmm.
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When MLW started training in martial arts, we were discussing her jab punch technique and why it differs from mine. Women have longer clavicles, so rotating the upper arm parallel to or over the shoulder during forward motion is made more difficult. It's really visible in sports where a ball is thrown, hence the term "throw like a girl". Jokingly I told her she punches like a girl. Without hesitation she nailed me with a powerful jab to the solar plexus.
It's why I love her.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha. More please.
Submitted by adamleathertramp (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me laugh
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Rob said.
Also, I have a thing for collarbones. Clavicles. mmm.
I'm serious.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-07 19:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I also wish I employed some of these lines when I was striking out with slightly overweight college chicks with bad shoes in Columbia last night.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope to God you didn't JUST figure this out, Sparky.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ME: Do you have a cigarette?
GIRL: I don't smoke. Sorry.
ME: What a coincidence! I don't either.
GIRL: Then..... why did you ask me for a cigarette?
ME: Just looking for an excuse to talk to you, I guess.
GIRL: Uh huh......
ME: .............
GIRL: Listen, you seem really nice, but I'm not interested.
ME: Interested in what? We haven't even had a conversation yet, and you're throwing up all these road blocks!
GIRL: Yeah, and you'd better quit now before I throw out a spike strip.
ME: Hey, that's pretty clever. While we're on the subject of automotive metaphors, how many potatoes can you fit in your tailpipe?
GIRL: Oh God......
---
This exchange inspired a full-on chuckle.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i've seen a couple of these somwhere else. but they still made me smile
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bbc did a casanova special. It was riviting and kind of sad.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-07 18:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment