Glory Hole Smurf (525 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 0.58 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-05-07 20:38:50 EDT
Every time I see some blonde at the grocery store, church, anywhere my first and only thought about her is that she's a whore. That's not an idea I was born with. It was instilled in me the same fucking way that a kid learns that violence is the answer to all of life's ills by watching his dad routinely beat his mom like a piñata. My real dad didn't teach me shit. All he did was sit me in front of the TV while he wailed on my mom for 20 minutes.
While my mom was getting introduced to "tough love" for fucking up the meatloaf, I was being introduced to influences that could only turn me into a sociopath. I would have been better off helping my dad than watching the fucking Smurfs.
All I learned from those fucking blue bitches was that there is no need to put much emphasis in expanding your vocabulary. There were 421 total episodes of that fucking show and each and every one of them made me dumber and lazier. Why bother learning new words or appropriate ways to express myself when they made apathy look so attractive? If they could last on TV for 8 years which dialogue consisting of the constant use of the same fucked up word for nearly every part of speech, then why couldn't I be successful using the same formula? Of course, I couldn't walk around using "smurf" so I adopted "fuck" and its many variations.
"Fucking lovely."
"You're a real fuck."
"I fucked your daughter in the ass."
Those three sentences alone cost me my first job. I contested the release with my "smurf defense" and became an instant hero at that day care center, but they still fired me. Fuck.
I then moved out to a little shack that my dad had out in the woods where he hid out from the cops after a good mom beating. In that stupid little shack, I finally understood the "Unabomber". He wanted to be like Gargamel. He lived alone and plotted ways to get his enemies. Hell, Gargamel had all kinds of schemes and plans for the Smurfs: genocide, turning them into potion and gold, or slaves. He was so ahead of his time. I liked his style and even tried it with my own personal crusade against the homeless. Unfortunately no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot take a $10 crack whore and repackage her into something that someone would pay a decent price to fuck. "Flip This House" the adult version.
With all the Smurfs and their odd little gimmicks, I can't help but think that the cutting room floor and editing process left out the real interesting ones. Who the fuck cares about Brainy? I'm much more interested in Sniper Smurf. Glory Hole Smurf. Tourettes Smurf. Baby Mama Smurf. Fisting Smurf. Jaundice Smurf would never fly because yellow and blue make green.
Those gay little white hats they wore were too KKK for me. At the end of each episode I always expected cross burnings and lynchings. It's wrong to break a little boy's heart like that. No telling how it might fuck up and impressionable youth.
Leave a comment then go Smurf yourself.
User Reviews
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-05-11 02:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every time I see some blonde at the grocery store, church, anywhere my first and only thought about her is that she's a whore. That's not an idea I was born with. It was instilled in me the same fucking way that a kid learns that violence is the answer to all of life's ills by watching his dad routinely beat his mom like a piñata. My real dad didn't teach me shit. All he did was sit me in front of the TV while he wailed on my mom for 20 minutes.
While my mom was getting introduced to "tough love" for fucking up the meatloaf, I was being introduced to influences that could only turn me into a sociopath. I would have been better off helping my dad than watching the fucking Smurfs.
HAHHAHAHA. That is fucking deliciously funny. I can't believe I just read that. I can't stop laughing.
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-05-10 11:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
die smurfs
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot take a $10 crack whore and repackage her into something that someone would pay a decent price to fuck.
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I beg to differ sir. You'd be surprised what people will pay to fuck.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2008-05-08 06:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are trying too hard.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-08 05:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm serious. I want to know what Jas thinks of his mum.
Of course he doesn't have to tell me, that's his privelidge, but I think it'd give us all a big insight into who he is now and not just where he came from.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-08 05:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love his mom, she makes awesome cookies.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-08 05:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you love your mum?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-08 00:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sure this would have been better if I'd grown up with the Smurfs. Sniper Smurf was good.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-07 23:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've got issues, it would appear.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-07 22:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
whose daughter did you fuck at the day care center?
thank smurf you didnt mention communism anywhere in here because i am SO tired of hearing that.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-07 22:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm beginning to suspect that BeforeEmily thinks your username sucks. Whether that's worth anything to you is, of course, your decision. Just a thought: it may be because no one knows if the 'j' is hard or soft.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-05-07 22:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-04-28 19:41:53 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-04-24 17:48:02 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-04-20 17:27:29 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-04-20 09:36:54 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-04-15 17:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-04-13 18:57:34 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
your username sucks