Things You shouldn't Expect of me. (427 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.63 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2008-05-08 01:06:09 EDT
You really shouldn't expect me not to play with matches. A young steak, a full pack of matches, and a lawn full of dried leaves and grass trimmings do not make for a happy fireman. So I set the lawn on fire. Not like it was worse than the shag carpeting or the garbage. That guy hated me, and I could swear he used to break into my house and move my zippo.
You shouldn't expect me not to play with the hose. They let me have free roam of the world when they put me outside to play, and decided that I would water the lawn. I finished watering the lawn then playing on the wet grass (Way better than a slip'n'slide because you could slide everywhere, although Tommy had one and it was the best thing ever.) so I decided to water other things. I watered the brick wall, the left window, the bushes, and the open window with the television in front of it. That's how we got the new TV.
It'd be best not to have me hit things to fix them, because I will anyway. New television starting to lose signal? Hit it and fixed the signal while making everything green for a few seconds. Clock not working? Hit it and broke the glass face, then replaced the battery. Car not starting? Hit it and dented the door. I get mixed results. Recently, I've added hammer, duck brand duct tape tape, solder, bigger hammer, and knife to my list of tools to fix things, but I still use the mainstay on occassion.
You can tell me your name, but you shouldn't expect me to use or remember it. I'll know your face and personality, but not your name. I simply never saw the need for them, as I grew up in a small town with a small school in what seemed to be a small life. Everybody knew everyone else, and there was no confusion as to whom I was speaking with. Thinking back on it, using names would have been a massive of my time, pronouncing all those syllables and taking up all that precious air would have shaved years off my life.
Don't take me to see a movie based on a book, especially a comic book, and expect me not to hate you forever. I'm at least half nerd, and have read comic books for years. No matter how many millions they spend on actors and special effects, it will not come close to years of avoiding direct sunlight reading the pages that inspired millions. I own an official The Tick spoon.
I do weird shit, so it's safest not to expect me to remain bored for very long. Escalator races, contests of accuracy (I can totally hit that waitress in the head with a peanut), playing catch with everything, attempting to juggle, and my personal favorite of being speculative are a fraction of my amazing time wasting abilities. I maintain that a hippo can kill an albino aligator or a male lion.
To go to the uber camping thing. Sorry all, but I'm probably not going to be able to make it. I'll try for it, but the 8-ball says outlook not so good.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-09 15:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-09 13:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok. I am gonna rate your old posts, make you an honourary Brit and secretly show you my boobs. ok?
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I'm all for that.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok. I am gonna rate your old posts, make you an honourary Brit and secretly show you my boobs. ok?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2008-05-09 01:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, the "bigger hammer" technique is world renowned. especially when dealing with anything that houses electronics.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-08 21:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-08 18:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
steak chooses me. i'm his best friend and he would like for you to +2 me forever. i'm on the phone with him. he says he likes your boobs.
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Hmm...
Me liking your boobs does sound like something I'd say.
But I'd NEVER say it over the phone, because I DON'T USE THE PHONE! Not even a cell phone. I do everything in person, as if it's not worth driving there and saying it myself, it's not worth saying.
I also wouldn't want anyone else to get +2 for life, because I'm selfish and an attention whore. Doing that would mean the attention turns away from me, and I can't have that.
Nice try.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-08 18:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
steak chooses me. i'm his best friend and he would like for you to +2 me forever. i'm on the phone with him. he says he likes your boobs.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-08 14:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
I could also -2 someone you don't e like for the rest of my Uber life?
Or if that is too mean, I could +2 someone you do like for the rest of my Uber life?
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I know :(
I've got an idea that'd be much easier to remember. Instead of going through and ruining someone else's work, go through and rate mine.
I'd have you -2 somebody, but I don't really care enough to hold an e-grudge for any period of time.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
I could also -2 someone you don't e like for the rest of my Uber life?
Or if that is too mean, I could +2 someone you do like for the rest of my Uber life?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have tendonitis on my wrist and can't play :(
email = prize or I will give it someone else.
(That sounded all threaty, but i didn't mean it to)
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I think you may have to give it to someone else, but send me a picture of what it was.
I think the post office doesn't trust me enough to let me use PO box. Not suprising.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have tendonitis on my wrist and can't play :(
email = prize or I will give it someone else.
(That sounded all threaty, but i didn't mean it to)
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-08 09:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once tripped while on an escalator and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-08 08:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you for being the wind beneath my wings!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116557
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-05-08 08:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love the concept of this, and will do a post about me in a bit
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-08 06:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah... none of that is good really. Maybe there's something wrong with you? Like aspergers or something?
I mean that is basically how someone with high functioning autism acts. I'm not an expert though so I don't know when a kid might do something like that and be a kid or whether they're so old that doing something like watering the TV is basically justification for electric shocks and tranquilisers.
In anycase it might be an idea to get an MRI to make sure your brain isn't about to fall apart like a damp paper bag.
Well whatever. I laughed.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-08 04:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-05-08 02:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SLUT
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-08 01:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you shouldnt expect me to stop scratching my scrotum anytime soon because it BURNS. i need to do some manscaping stat.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-08 01:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-05-08 01:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
GTFO STEAK
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STFU WHORE
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-05-08 01:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
GTFO STEAK
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-08 01:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, what shouldn't people expect of you?