Fucking Shlongy, or what happened in San Francisco between Jack McCallum and Crystle! featuring Berg, Bubba, Forensic, Hadley, Ttom and various other losers (1342 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.82 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HotWillie (View user info) at 2008-05-08 10:33:43 EDT
Jack McCallum stepped off his porch into a pile of berg.
"Goddamnit!"
He furiously kicked off his pokemon slipper and hopped over to where the newspaper lay a few feet from the driveway. Asshole-spic-paper-boy, he thought.
"Fucking foreigners," he said, "it's aboot time we sent 'em all back to their own countries."
He stood there thinking of all the lousy immigrants taking jobs from good, clean Americans, living like animals in illegal garage conversions with cement floors, poor ventilation and dozens of smelly, re-fried cousins fouling the already unbearably fetid air and felt his penis getting hard.
Racism gets me so fucking hot, he thought.
He tucked the paper under his arm and hopped into the house to stroke his bubba.
========================================
Crystle hit the snooze button again and slid her fingers back down to her pussy. Shoot, she thought. Still dry. How the heck did Forensic say this worked again?
Frustrated, she reached inside the drawer of her nightstand and withdrew a recipe box.
"M...m...m...here it is. 'Masturbation, how to.' "
She frowned at the drawing on the card, turning it upside down and sideways.
Finally she sighed and closed her box. Why is that darn thing so hard to find?
She felt a rumbling in her loins and threw the blanket aside, brushing the cobwebs from her vagina.
She had to take a berg.
========================================
Shlongy sat on the can reading Sports Illustrated and tried to remember whether he'd TiVo'd Desperate Housewives the night before.
"Gash!"
"What?!" Mrs. Shlongy screamed from the next room.
"Your goddamn meatloaf feels like a Buick idling in my colon. Check the recorder for my show, wouldja?"
"Do it yourself, Fucknuts!"
"Just check it, ya cunting bitch!"
Mrs. Shlongy entered the room holding two halters.
"Which goes best with my implants?"
Shlongy grimaced and dropped the magazine, gripping the gold-plated shit rails on each side of the toilet.
Mrs. Shlongy, who knew that look all too well, dove into the bathtub, shattering the glass enclosure.
Shlongy's face turned cock-head purple, and what felt like the largest berg of his life exploded from his asshole.
After several minutes he caught his breath and stood up to admire his work.
Mrs. Shlongy's eyes fluttered open.
"Rancid," she said.
========================================
When Jack got to his office, he couldn't believe his eyes.
"Ubercon San Francisco?"
He caressed his pot belly, wondering if he could lose 35 pounds and join Hair Club for Men by the weekend.
==========================================
When Crystle got to work, she couldn't believe her eyes.
"Ubercon San Francisco?"
She caressed her vagina, wondering if she could get laid with a Mac-10 and a handbag full of roofies.
=========================================
When Shlongy got to the golf course, he couldn't believe his eyes.
Two dipshits were washing their balls on the fairway.
And Ltap and Linus weren't even golfing.
"I need a fucking vacation," Shlongy said, pulling out his wood to scare them away.
Then he went back to the car to fetch his clubs.
When he got to the office at noon, he unzipped his pants and signed on to ubersite.
"Ubercon San Fransisco?"
He grabbed a fistful of Viagra from the jar under his desk and wondered if any of the uberbroads were into anal.
========================================
Jack drove across the Bay Bridge and found a free parking spot. He began the six mile hike to the ubercon gathering at the Ritz Carlton.
========================================
Crystle checked into the Motel 6 and caught a cab across town to the ubercon gathering at the Ritz Carlton.
========================================
Shlongy checked into the Ritz Carlton and did a line of blow while waiting for the uberbroads to show.
========================================
Jack stopped to catch his breath at a fagrack, leafing through a Blueboy and wondering how long before the pimple-faced vendor told him to buy something or move on. He opened the magazine to the centerfold and gasped at what he saw.
========================================
Crystle knocked on room number 1409. The door slowly swung open. She peered inside and gasped at what she saw.
========================================
Shlongy stood up from the hotel toilet and gasped at what he saw.
========================================
Jack drooled as he looked at the biggest cock he'd ever seen.
========================================
Crystle drooled as she looked at the biggest scotch she'd ever seen.
========================================
Shlongy snapped a picture of the biggest berg he'd ever laid.
========================================
Jack entered the elevator, silently cursing the hoity-toity doorman who'd mistaken him for a homeless person. He took out a comb, licked it, and ran it through his hair just like he'd seen his hero Paul Wolfowitz do in that Communist fucker Michael Moore's documentary.
========================================
Crystle entered the spacious sweet and headed straight for the drink Shlongy had left on the bar, downing it quickly and failing to notice the little blue pill in the bottom of the tumbler. I'm suddenly feeling a little swampy down there, she thought, fingering her vajay-jay. Must be the alcohol. She poured another drink and dissolved a few roofies in it. I hope a man shows up soon. Or even Hadley. She looked in the mirror and checked for grey roots.
========================================
Shlongy decided not to wipe his ass. I'm taking a shower, anyway, he thought. He dropped his robe and looked in the mirror, checking for grey pubes.
========================================
Jack was surprised to find the door ajar. He looked in and stared at the spacious sweet, who was laying in the middle of the floor diddling herself like she was conducting the Flight of the Bumblebee. Jack's thoughts turned from the red-spread to ubersite, and that cancerous guy Ttom. Didn't he work with bugs or something? I hope he doesn't pass me on the MVA. I really need to post something tonight.
========================================
Crystle heard a noise behind her and sat up on her knees, almost breaking her finger which was lodged up her cooch. "Who's there?" She sat up and saw Jack McCallum staring at her vagina like he'd never seen one before. Hmmm.
========================================
Fuck, Shlongy thought from his bubble bath. Forgot my drink. Every goddamn time I get in the tub.
========================================
"What's that?" Jack asked, staring at Crystle's vagina like he'd never seen one before. Hmmm.
"Well," Crystle purred, it's my-"
"Gash!" Shlongy screamed from the bathroom before remembering his wife was banging HotWillie in Fort Lauderdale this weekend.
Jack and Crystle's eyes locked. The shy, mousy redhead with grey roots looked across the room at the naked chick.
Jack said, "Do you want to-"
"Yes, yes!" Crystle shouted.
"-find a cybercafe and post something on ubersite?"
Crystle shook her head and slowly approached the self-published xenophobe.
========================================
Shlongy strode out of the bathroom and grabbed Crystle's drink, downing it in a single gulp, failing to notice the 27 dissolved roofies.
========================================
Jack sprinted down the hallway back toward 1409. He thought he'd lost her, but that Crystle was pretty fast. He just hoped he could make it back to the suite and lock the door until she calmed the fuck down. What on earth had gotten into her?
========================================
Crystle humped the Mexican bellboy like there was no tomorrow. The Italian tourists on the other side of the elevator just shook their heads in disgust.
========================================
Shlongy collapsed in the middle of the floor. His last thought before falling asleep was "Boy, that scotch really loosens your asshole."
========================================
Jack entered the suite. Shlongy was bare-assed and unconscious in the middle of the floor.
Jack entered the sweet.
========================================
Shlongy woke up the next morning with a major pain in the ass. (more painful than last year's golfing vacation with Nitty)
Crystle woke up the next morning with major sand in her bajiner. (the bellboy had crossed the border from Tijuana that morning)
And Jack woke up the next morning with a great big fat smile on his face.
Fucking Shlongy.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-25 17:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-05-31 08:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I figured the least I could do is give you a trip down memory lane and show your last comment:
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-29 21:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i am bart
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-28 14:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't know... for some reason this bored me almost from the beginning. maybe it's from reading through all your other posts which are all, but one, focussed on Uber. try something new.
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-05-26 21:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You nex rancid
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-26 20:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-05-26 19:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU'RE REALLY SHOWING HIM, ASSMUNCH. MAN, YOU'RE RUINING HIS DAY, I BET WITH THIS -2 BARRAGE.
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-05-26 19:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by greEn_uGly (user info) at 2008-05-09 04:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-08 23:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy decided not to wipe his ass. I'm taking a shower, anyway, he thought.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-05-08 22:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More rape?
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-05-08 21:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny as hell
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-08 20:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No shit. They might be spider webs but that's always a tough call.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-08 20:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahaha crystle i never implied you are easily offended i implied your pussy has cobwebs
don't get so easily offended
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-08 20:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where's horse87 with his comment?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-08 17:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess not. I thought some of your parts were amongst the funniest.
Then again, Shlongy's an uncouth pig.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-08 17:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not so much complaining as finally figuring out what this was lacking - I didn't find this nearly as hilarious as you did...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-08 17:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First you complain about never being included...now that you're included, you're complaining again.
IT'S JUST A JOKE, KIDS.
For example, I would NEVER let Jack bang me in the ass without showering first.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-08 17:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm slow today because of a migraine.. but I just realized what bothered me about this.
"shock" isn't humor... and seriously if you think this offends me on a personal level, why on earth do you think I keep clicking back to this site?
there were some funny bits, but the "offensive" parts were kind of weak sauce.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-05-08 16:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-05-08 16:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-08 15:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more Hookhand
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-05-08 14:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-08 14:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Besides yourself?
No one, you fucking idiot.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-05-08 14:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right then....so who's gonna do the "Unban S.I. Co." post?
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-08 14:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is gold.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're fast becoming one of my favorite posters.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
at least I made a list?
_______________
Awwww...
Crystle rules so much.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what a horrid thing to say!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-08 13:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your ridiculing posts are funny, HW.
Those in them, love the attention, despite their protestations.
Those not in them just want to be.
They are pretty accurate a lot of the time anyway.
I just don't see how you are obsessed. I think Hurty wants you to do him.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
at least I made a list?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaah
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
unfortunately, orphelia, i find many uber people are not that memorable
so i repeatedly make fun of those such as jack mccallum with his massive ego
or rob berg with his passive-aggressive uber-love
or crystle's spinstered crotch
or shlongy's wife's implants (here i'm just writing what i know)
etc
if i must continually draw from the well of those personas most easily targeted, it is a cross i will bear for the good of the site
i almost added a bell captain thorns but that seemed excessive
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 15:41:31 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
You obsession is getting way out of hand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't 'get' this comment.
What are you obsessed with, HW? Posting funny shit on the internet??
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it...this was funny. If you can't laugh at the cobwebs in Crystal's beave, well, YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.
At least I could get through this story in its' entirety.
When I read one of Jack's efforts, it's two paragraphs and then I start working on my insult.
I already KNOW the rating.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shlongy its a travesty to be sure
i'm sorry i made fun of horse1987's, i mean icarus87's boyfriends, rob berg and jack mccallum but at least i mentioned them
don't be mad i will include you in the next one if you develop a discernible personality
your sugarplum berg will tell you the hardest faces to characature are the uninteresting ones
who is tigerlilly btw were you making one of those idiotic uber in-jokes i hate that kinda shit
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking hilarious, BTW.
I don't care if I DID shit myself...excuse me, berg myself.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-08 12:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once again, WHY DOES THIS NOT HAVE A PERFECT RATING?
This is a conspiracy to keep interesting posts - like this one, and all of mine - from ever hitting the "Bored @ Work" board.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-05-08 11:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's amazing you're still single.
HotWillie: Hi, SO nice to finally meet you!
Blind Date: Hi... your mom said that if I didn't go out with you I'd get fired from the laundromat.
HotWillie: My name's William, but you can call me Hotwilly! Everyone on ubersite does!
Blind Date: Uber...what? Is that a gay bar or something?
HotWillie: LOL. That's really funny. Funny like Shlongy. You know, yesterday I was uberscrapbooking, that is when I take various pictures of Uber users and paste them into my vacation pictures. Then I make up stories about all the things we did and the great times we had.
Blind Date: ...
HotWillie: You know, I like to compare everyone to someone on ubersite. You, you look the most like Tigerlily, or as we call her soapyboobs. LOL.
Blind Date: I'm out of here.
HotWillie: SHOW ME YOUR HOLE! LOL!
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently, I was mentioned.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahahaha skrap
yes ltap i was insulting you
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry boys i'll try and work you in next time don't be mad
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Is Blightish for toilet paper going to be "berg roll" instead of a "bog roll" now?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This amused me, but...
Two dipshits were washing their balls on the fairway.
And Ltap and Linus weren't even golfing.
-----------------------
I didn't quite understand what you were implying, but it seems to be an insult, so -2.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You obsession is getting way out of hand.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i wish i cared enough to read this
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-08 10:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjxVe799wpg