Last Night... (449 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.71 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (View user info) at 2008-05-09 04:22:57 EDT
Last night I attended an award ceremony for the volunteers at the hallowed hall of learning I attended. I didn't really want to go as the year before I had been working at the event and video taped the whole sorry occasion. If you've never been to a non commercial event at a Students' Union before I'll briefly explain; they're pish. To be honest, they're important as in order to get masses of funding from the associated University, the Union has to be seen to be doing something other than getting students drunk and having sex in bathrooms with regrettable looking strangers. I'll re-iterate though, the non commercial events are pish.
Last years "Volunteer Awards Ceremony" had a theme: The Blues Brothers. 'Great' I thought, 'Might not be all that bad!' How wrong I was. What I had to endure almost ruined the film for me. A fat man and his gay friend utterly ruining every great song from the movie. The pair called themselves 'The Two Chrises' or something equally retarded. One Chris is fat and from Northern Ireland, 'nuff said. The other is camp as fuck and totally in denial about being gay. He's also very earnest and is what is known around these parts as 'a Union hack', read: Irritating cunt who won't fuck off and let people get on.
Shortly after ruining the event last year with his terrible singing and equally bad dancing Camp Chris decided to run for the most important position within any Students' Union, The President. The results of the student elections are a public affair and last year was the first time we used an electronic voting system. The beauty of this system is that it is in graph form and the graphs shoot up according to the number of votes you get. In public and animated form. Chris' opponent was far more popular, though just as much of a twat, and it was clear to all but the mentally challenged that he was going to win. Well, the bars shot up and Chris got 200 odd votes, his destroyer got about 1200. It was at this point Chris collapsed in a pile of fucking emo tears and had to be helped from the venue by his friends.
After this happy occasion he swore he was going to have nothing more to do with the Union. Fucking lying cunt. He hung about like a bad smell trying to undermine shit with his camp faogouche-ness. It was embarrassing for all concerned. It got worse last night.
There was no theme for last nights ceremony. Actually, if the theme was 'the worst fucking entertainment you could possibly imagine; worse than the Oscars even' then they were successful. True to form I immediately took up residence at the back of the large space the horror was happening in and propped myself up at the bar. I hadn't immediately clocked what was happening on entry, but then to my dismay realised it was 'Footloose' on the PA. Yeah, fuckin' 'Footloose'. Not content with playing one of the worst songs ever to open the event, Chris and his gaggle of retarded friends were fucking dancing. I say dancing, but I mean wiggling their feet. It was seriously the worst 'performance' ever.
I wasn't alone in thinking this either, I was surrounded by drunken staff members who were all hooting sneers of derision and generally mocking the sorry sight. After the song some awards and bollocks happened, some people I knew won some things and I politely applauded. The next entertainment on the agenda was to be a stirring rendition of 'You're the One That I Want'. I hate Grease as much as the next man, but decided to watch because a certain fat bastard was in the role of John Travolta. This corpulent pig fucker had recently performed 'Your Song' by Elton John at a different event. No biggie right? Wrong, he sang it for his friends dead mother (if you're even remotely familiar with the lyrics you'll know why this was a stupid choice) and he can't sing for shit. I think I lasted about 30 seconds into his rendition of another 'classic' before practically collapsing with laughter and retiring outside for a smoke.
Outside I spoke to a number of other people who thought the event was similarly shit and claimed 'I'm only here because my flat mate is winning an award'. I told them I came for the free booze and hookers and was sorely disappointed. They gave me awkward smiles, and we went back inside.
More awards, more booze, more derision. Pretty easy really. There was actually a good performance tucked neatly away in there by someone not involving Chris. It was pointed out to me by my lady friend that a member of the dancing troupe was actually a friend of ours and I wondered why she hadn't been more involved. 'Chris is a cunt' she casually whispered in my ear. Damn right, I thought. Doss fucker. The most insulting thing about the whole occasion is that there is an award winning and damn good 'Dance Society' at the Union and they weren't involved at all.
Things went from bad to worse as Chris and a 'friend' (in the loosest sense of the word) proceeded to do a shitty double act as comperes for the second half of the show. The highlight, however, was yet to come. Ever seen 'Hairspray'? It's not as good as 'Pink Flamingos' but there are parts of it that are pretty offensive. Such as a fat man in drag.
I should have seen it coming. I really should, and I should have gouged out my eyeballs before I witnessed what I subconsciously knew was gonna happen, or at least left. That's right, fat Northern Irish Chris made an appearance. In drag. It was fucking terrible and I had to bleach my eyeballs afterwards. Fortunately, his mic wasn't working so I didn't have to hear him sing.
All in all, a sorry display of ineptitude and shite. I guess the whole point of this would be a recommendation to avoid non commercial student events, that would pretty much be the gist. Actually, just avoid student events altogether. You won't have a good time as you'll be surrounded by sweaty wankers in shit clothes who think they're the bollocks. They aren't; go to the pub instead.
User Reviews
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-10 21:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you sound jealous you should totally put this to music on youtube
Submitted by Fat-Sacks (user info) at 2008-05-10 05:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So.. no turtles were invited?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-09 10:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BeforeEmily below.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-05-09 10:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-09 10:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.gabbly.com/www.ubersite.com
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-09 09:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Honesty is the best policy. I didn't think this was particularly 'bloggish', but I guess it could come across that way.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-09 09:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-2 Blog entry.
+2 Gif.
Sorry old man, I'm trying to be honest these days.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-05-09 09:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you had a shitty night. I hope you got laid afterwards, at least.
Also, I like the GIF.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-09 08:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOING
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-09 07:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I went because my lady wanted to go and some of my friends were there.
Heckling was done in our group but it's a big deal for the Union and University relationship so being too vocal would be a pretty lame move.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-05-09 07:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And if you did go, and hated this Chris character so much, why not heckle him?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-05-09 07:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If it was such shit last year, why did you go again?
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2008-05-09 07:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are such a fag!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-09 07:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for reminding me how much Pink Flamingoes made me feel so very not-fucked-up.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-09 06:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hear hear!
Get fucked up with your mates instead and go to the pub. I remember why I didn't frequent this place very much.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't hear my words there...
lol. That is my house.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ORPHY I'M SURPRISED AT YOU!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ol6ulBEIQ0I
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*nods*
You are a modern-day sage, Orphelia.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't protect = lifetime of regret.
I just made that up all my pretty little self.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, it is a religious thing...
Catholic girls like it freaky.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FJ doesn't use skins. He is dirty.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God yeah, it was his mate's girl.
I wouldn't...couldn't risk mixing it with his ginger juice.
Gads.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That guy is both a politician and a ginger. He has no friends. Bell is lying.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Hurty, it was his mates girlf. I made that mistake too. Thank God I was wrong.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That guy is..... *blarfs*
I am going to watch the Cosby Show and have a snooze.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He looks like a fat idiot. I can't believe you stirred his porridge.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, what cbb??
==================
I can't remember when it was on, but the guy I was at uni with was president of the youth parliament or something...*rummages*...this guy: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7214697.stm
He hated me :o(
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-09 05:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you condense this into a few words, dear?
Also, what cbb??
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-09 04:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I watched Big Brother for about 20 minutes once and turned it off, thoroughly disgusted.
Alan Hansen is a fucking tool. As are most of the Scots who played for Liverpool and make them think their team is worth something.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-09 04:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You ever watch that celebrity Big Brother that was on recently? I didn't, but the fat ginger Scottish guy was at Uni with me. I fucked his mates girlfriend and he would give me evil glares whenever I saw him out. He was a bigger tool in real life than he seems on the telly.
I always avoided these events. I went to my graduation though, and Dame Diana Rigg was the Chancellor, so she capped me. She's surprisingly attractive for an older laydee.
Alan Hansen graduated with me, getting on honorary degree. He gave a stirring speech about how 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going' and the girls all creamed in their pants. What is it with that guy? They love him.
Shocking!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-09 04:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You should see the cunt they've got. He wears shirts worse than you and is so fucking 'right on' about everything it's unbelievable. Having said that, he's one of those people who doesn't actually want to change anything, he just wants to check that change is possible.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-09 04:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
People who run for positions like 'Student President' are greatly irritating, in my experience.