Surprise Buttsecks! (899 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.66 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (View user info) at 2008-05-12 13:34:54 EDT
The butt. We all joke around about doing it in the butt. We all make passive attempts to put our manhood into our woman's shit tube, but we get denied. In reality, I dont think we actually want to do it. It's more fun to try and get continually shot down. Besides, once you do it, it's not as fun to joke around that you're going to do it later.
How do I know this, you ask? Well I will tell you how I did it. So just sit right there and get ready to pound one out viciously as you read the eyegasm of grammatical poetry that I am about to shoot your way like a hot, steamy load from my dominant wanger.
The night was young. The ex was visiting for the first time since she had moved across the country. This was well before I found out she had been cheating on me, so I still liked her a little bit. We had no plans for the evening and decided to get hammered and watch a movie. We stop at the packy and I buy a bottle of Jager and 3 cans of Rockstar. Jager Bombs should do the trick. However, I'm too cheap to buy more Rockstar or Red Bull, so I make 4-shot Jager Bombs. Half a can of your energy drink, 4 shots of Jager. You dont pound it, though, you just take big gulps and drink it rather quickly. Then you drink another one right away, and you can literally sit there and feel your face melt and you go from sober to fucking fat chicks in 10 minutes flat. Anyway, back to the story. We got the alcohol and headed back to my apartment for a night of what I assumed to be crazy, ass-wild sex. Our sex life was ridiculous enough, but when we got drunk it got even crazier. An absolute dynamo in the saddle, she was. I was hoping for a night of some of the weirdest shit I could think of, and boy was I right.
We arrive at my apartment and pop on the digital video disc "Spies Like Us," a classic. If you have never seen it, then odds are that you're a communist and should be fired out of a cannon into a shark pit. I hit the lights, pour us some drinks and let the fun begin. About half way into the movie, we're both completely trashed. She looks at me, licks her lips and orders me to remove my slacks. I tell her to do it herself. So, she pulled my pants down and began mouthifying my wang with all the care and compassion that a hooker gives to Charlie Sheen. After a nice blow j, I pick her up and throw her on my bed. Clothing gets ripped off, sparks flew, emotions ran high...like a tractor beam, she sucked me right in. We're going at it like its a conjugal visit in a tiny room at Alcatraz. The sex was fantastic. After 3 rounds of vaginal annihilation, courtesy of my titan schlonger, we take a break to rest. We finish the entire bottle of jager and are at this point, near black-out drunk. To start off round 4, I grabbed her, picked her up and shover her against my wall. I spun her around to make sexings from the opposite of her front side when she said something interesting. She turned her head and whispered for me to stick my love pump up her fecal ejector. I thought she was kidding. So I rammed her dick garage with my trouser snake like there was no tomorrow. Then it dawned on me that maybe she wasn't kidding. I mean, she was into dirty talk, but this was more of a request. So, I complied with her dirtiest desire, pulled out of her vaginey-gine and made my way for her poop canal. Right before I entered, I held her hands above her head against the wall and yelled, "SURPRISE! BUTTSECKS!" She winced with pain as I made my way past the sphinctoral muscular intersection and kept on going until my produce makers hit her butt cheeks. Balls deep, as they say in the "industry." I held my position for a few moments as she gathered herself. I ordered my man to stand his ground, no matter what tactics the enemy threw his way. After 30 seconds or, we began to make love like they do in all those educational movies I see on the intertubes. Let me tell you, not that great.
All in all, the butt is not anywhere near comparable to the vajayjay. She liked the thought of it, because it was dirty...so she said. But in reality, when you're actually up in her butthole...it's kinda icky. I mean, there's no natural moisture, the entire time you're wondering what your dick will look like when you pull out, and you're afraid poop will get up your pee hole thing-a-majig.
So, if any of you were thinking of crossing the line between joking with buttsecks, and actually inserting your jimmy jam into someone's shit funnel, then be weary of the consequences.
But hey, you can't get preggers in the butt. Right?
User Reviews
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-03-27 17:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121617#2876448
fucking hilarious.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Thing with buttsecks is you only need to do it once, get your "brown wings" and there's no need to go back to it.
Saying that, i have a friend, a lawyer, who until recently was banging a chick far younger than him (15 when they met, 4 years ago, he was 23, dirty bastard) who loved nothing more than being banged in the shitter.
Dirty little slut.
Anyways, congratulations on getting your brown wings man.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2008-05-14 01:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And your name really is "Rhymenocerous." Cute. If cute meant GAY!
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2008-05-14 01:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's with fuckers and writing? Less words and more pictures. Of porn.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-05-13 18:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Balls deep, as they say in the "industry."
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Nice
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-13 14:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you know nothing of anal you child
Submitted by HerrSchniedelwichs (user info) at 2008-05-13 13:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You Sir, are an Officer and a Gentleman.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-05-13 12:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-13 08:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anal is vastly over-rated.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-12 21:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny and it made me want to drink Jaeger.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-12 21:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-05-12 15:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
needs more pronouns
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-05-12 15:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-05-12 14:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-05-12 14:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never. Ever. Understand the obsession with buttsex.
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Me either! I didn't actually want to do it. She told me to! On the other hand, I'm semi-glad I did so that now I know I will never do it again... And knowing is half the battle.
GI JOE?
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Now whenever I think of you I will think of anal sex. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing...
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-05-12 14:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-05-12 14:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never. Ever. Understand the obsession with buttsex.
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Me either! I didn't actually want to do it. She told me to! On the other hand, I'm semi-glad I did so that now I know I will never do it again... And knowing is half the battle.
GI JOE?
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-05-12 14:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never. Ever. Understand the obsession with buttsex.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-12 14:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am older so I really don't get it. If a man wants to fuck someone in the ass find another man that likes to take it in the ass. Surprise! Guess what you're gay.
Submitted by ralphyboy (user info) at 2008-05-12 14:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mud on the Turtle!
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-05-12 14:11:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anal is boring. Have her shit on your face next time. That's the only way I can get off these days.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have never understood the fascination/desire for either gender to willingly give OR receive anal sex. For the same reasons that you went into detail on.
Thanks for firming my "one-way-street" thoughts on the matter.
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Me either. But when you're shitfaced, sometimes really bad ideas seem like really good ones. Especially if the girl you're currently doing makes the request.
Women are evil.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tried it, never doing it again
good thing I got rid of the asshole (heh) I did it with, too, or he'd still be pestering me for it. he LOVED it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what he said
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v
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"So, if any of you were thinking of crossing the line between joking with buttsecks, and actually inserting your jimmy jam into someone's shit funnel, then be weary of the consequences."
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If posts like this are the consequences, I'm weary of them already.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm, I joke about it, but I would never even consider, not even if I was begged.
I'm not a fan of poop dick.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have never understood the fascination/desire for either gender to willingly give OR receive anal sex. For the same reasons that you went into detail on.
Thanks for firming my "one-way-street" thoughts on the matter.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hoo fah, am I wrong that I found this creepy?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sober to fucking fat chicks in 10 minutes flat. hahaha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-12 13:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Save your stories for when you're sitting on Santa's lap, Aesop.