Internet Irrelevance Kills a Tiny Piece of Me Each Day (745 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2008-05-13 03:16:34 EDT
Hello Ubersite. You probably don't remember me, but I used to write for you on occasion. I was never as popular around the internet worldwide as Matt Drudge, the Chocolate Rain guy, or Loki, but in my small town of Los Angeles, I was a bit of a local folk hero. I was someone the people around here could call a local celebrity of their very own, beloved to all. (In fact, Elliot Smith killed himself a mere two days after I stopped writing for Uber. He died on October 21, 2003, while I lived on the very same day. Coincidence?)
I had it all. But I couldn't deal with the pressures of fame and the stress of maintaining such a high level of post on a serious writer's forum. So, one day I just walked away from it all. Maybe I wanted to have a baby. Maybe I thought I would just do a lot of drugs and come back anorexic and pale. I don't really know what I was thinking, to be completely honest with you. I just needed a break.
But damn, man! I didn't think I would fall this far. I can't even get decent head in this town anymore. It isn't that good, celebrity head with the lollipop noises and predicting the future in the lines of your balls (By the way, this is how I know I'm nearly immortal. My lifeline runs all the way from my scrotum to the end of my penis. If I allow my pubes to grow enough and fold along the line, it looks exactly like the smoldering twin towers). No, instead it's that fallen from grace head you get in which she grinds her nose into your junk because she cant look you in the eye long enough to avoid a frown, and even though you've become completely distracted by her pity, you've got to try and man up to avoid the inevitable premature ejaculation that will catastrophically end in a DNA Fu Manchu.
Here are a few actual conversations I've had with women since I've left Ubersite
Me: Gabba gabba hey, ladies
Tasty Morsels: What television show or movie have I seen you in?
Me: No, it's nothing like that. I actually used to contribute to a serious writer's forum.
TMs: You write for Ubersite? Do you know Method's mom?
Me: Actually, no. I've never met Method or any of his family members. And I don't really post anymore.
TMs: Do you know Method's dad?
Me: Hi, I'm Tinactin of Ubersite fame.
Average broad: Umm, I'm sorry. That doesn't ring a bell.
Me: You know, Ubersite? From the intraweb?
AB: Oh, I think I remember you. You always included race in your posts, right? You were a Palestinian or something? Always with the Zionist jokes?
Me: My name is Jared. Perhaps we could go out sometime?
Me: Hello. Can I buy you a drink?
Oven-roasted douche bitch: I've already got one, genius.
Me: I'm sorry. I didn't notice it behind that gigantic gift basket you received for "hottest single mom employee at Hooters."
ORDB: It was a pretty deep field this year, believe me.
Me: It's a very nice basket. Wicker really brings out the color in your eyes (this is a lie, obviously. Just so you're aware, ladies, nothing brings out the color in your eyes. No matter what you do, your eyes are the same fucking color. You know what would really bring out the color in your eyes? Crayons).
ORDB: Look, you seem like a nice guy, but I'm just not interested, ok? I am pretty high maintenance and you do not seem like you are equipped for that. How many hits do you have? Do you know Method?
Me: I just lost interest. Your bulge is showing.
ORDB: That's just a tampon.
Me: Whatever, dude.
ORDB: I don't need your attention. I would still fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard.
Me: I'll see you later
ORDB: Fuck y...Hey, did I say you could open up my bottle of Juergens? PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!
After that, I figured I would save myself the humiliation of rejection by completely stealing Method's identity. I would travel to the local bars, pretending to be 200 different people, maintaining a zen-like manner unless someone threatened or annoyed me, or I stumbled onto polaroids of somebody's miscarriage. Shots of pita bread were generously credited to my non-existent tab, and bitches fell in my lap.
The nights were wonderful. But I could never handle having a user lift the slanted sombrero up from over my eyes only to have it dawn on her that I was never the man who called her a fat ugly cunt on various camwhores, the man who's opinion she claimed not to care about while writing about him on six different posts. The look of disappointment and shame in her eye was always too much for me to bear.
So, I've decided to come back to Ubersite. Hopefully, by tomorrow morning I'll be masturbating to 6 reviews and 200 hits.
User Reviews
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-05-29 10:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: It's a very nice basket. Wicker really brings out the color in your eyes (this is a lie, obviously. Just so you're aware, ladies, nothing brings out the color in your eyes. No matter what you do, your eyes are the same fucking color. You know what would really bring out the color in your eyes? Crayons).
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2008-05-15 21:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha... twin towers.
I'd give you good head if I weren't an old matronly Mrs. Also, if my wisdom teeth wouldn't hurt so much.
Welcome back! I'd join you but babies and husbands suck the imagination out of you. They suck it right out of the nipples.
I'm going to the beach. Talk music with you when I get back.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-05-14 15:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bosh
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-05-13 17:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who are you again?
you write about comic books or something?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-13 16:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TOUGH ACTIN'
Look at you, bringing absentee Uberers out of the woodwork with you.
Coley - flash your Ts, now.
A_D - polish your dome for good luck, now. No, I mean your skull. Asshole.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-13 15:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you were close on the 200 hits
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-05-13 14:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-13 14:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tinactin! woooo!
i remember. write some more.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-13 14:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tinactin! woooo!
i remember. write some more.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-05-13 12:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-13 12:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-13 12:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-13 09:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i expected better based off of the rating this has.
=================================
Welcome back. Write something good next time.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-13 10:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Elliot Smith
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-05-13 10:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read this later.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-13 09:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i expected better based off of the rating this has.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-13 09:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I upset EbolaMay?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-13 09:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Phalic is Beano, all alters are me from now on it seems.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-13 08:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-05-13 08:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, but it's probably just because I think you're hilarious.
For the first post in about a year and a half, this is pretty strong.
And you were in my dream last night. Weird.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-05-13 08:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2008-05-13 08:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you were gay?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-05-13 07:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y'all coming out of the woodwork lately.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-05-13 06:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i meant that as an insult to rob, not you.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-05-13 06:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow, its like rob leaving has broken a dam of gayness.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2008-05-13 04:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus 2.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-13 04:11:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phallic is my Special Wollongong Friend.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-05-13 04:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Phallic, you're Method... remember?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-13 04:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, who am I?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-05-13 04:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaaaaaaaand once again a(n?) uberuser's constant reference to their own genitalia results in an uncomfortable silence....
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-13 04:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY! :D
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well please linkwhore to one of mine before you leave so i can luff s'more. i always enjoy reading your drawn out similes.
i really need to have a scrotal reading sometime. i've always promised myself one, but never had the time. you just have to make time for things that are important, i suppose.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, great. Now I know who Phallic Cymballs is.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i guess the berg trade was a wash
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Who the fuck is berg?
===================
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116575#2707942
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe, Dan. I'm pretty lazy. I'll probably post once more and disappear for a year
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i guess the berg trade was a wash
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Who the fuck is berg?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I joined after you left.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit! a Tinactin post. and even better because it's been so long. won't you stay a while?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, c'mon...
... everybody KNOWS that Method doesn't actually have parents.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNOW ONE THING, YOU ARE A GODDAM MESKIN
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i guess the berg trade was a wash
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
consider me like the Uniter
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
assumption: i will enjoy this tomorrow.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-05-13 03:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Speaking of "nothing really brings out the color in your eyes", I'm SO FUCKING SICK of people who say "oooohhh my eyes change COLOR depending on my MOOOOOOD"
oh SHUT THE FUCK UP if your eyes were so COOL I'd pluck them out and make my OWN AWESOME MOOD RING BITCH