SPT: My Friend's Fiancé's Pomeranian Dog (634 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2008-05-14 23:13:17 EDT
My friend's fiancé had a Pomeranian dog. It was hardly bigger than a cat. Long, snow white hair obscured all the features which should have identified it as animal--legs, face, tail. I couldn't tell one end from the other unless it was moving or barking. (I would add eating and shitting, but it once fooled me by puking.) If you were to have shoved a broomstick up its ass it would have looked exactly like a mop. It scurried around the house on invisible legs, stopping to bark at hallucinations. It barked with such force that each earsplitting yap sent it sliding backwards on the hardwood floor. After half a dozen yaps it would pause and run forward to its starting point again. I'm sure it would have aroused murderous intent even in Gandhi.
Anyway, my friend's fiancé had named this dog Kendall. She insisted on feeding Kendall only a specific type of expensive dog food. Feeding him anything else, she insisted, would have disastrous consequences. Of course, I did what any normal, curious person would do. As soon as she wasn't looking, I fed him half a ham sandwich.
It's not like I had to force feed him. Kendall loved the sandwich. He loved me after that, too, which turned out to be my undoing because he normally hated everyone except my friend's fiancé. I could tell she was suspicious when he started following me around, staying so close to my feet you might have thought I was wearing a really gay slipper. I should have got the hell out of there, but I wanted to see first hand what would happen. Did he really have to eat that expensive shit?
Nothing happened at first. Kendall fell asleep at my feet while we sat back and did bong hits. I began formulating an argument for expanding his diet. Kendall's veterinarian was probably colluding with the pet food company in the same way doctors collude with pharmaceutical companies. How grateful my friend and his fiancé would be after I exposed the marketing ploy to which they'd fallen prey!
Kendall woke up and scurried off to the master bedroom where they kept his litter box. He looked healthy enough. I was just about to embark on my monolog when my friend's fiancé shot me a very dark look. I held my tongue. An uncomfortable silence ensued, broken only by my friend's gurgling bong hit. He was still oblivious to the drama unfolding around him.
Then, from the bedroom there came a terrified yelping, as if Kendall's life was in danger. He shot out of the bedroom and ran full tilt down the length of the hallway, yelp-yelp-yelping. I heard him scratch for traction as he tried to execute a U-turn on the hardwood floor, a thud as he slammed into the garage door at the end of the hall. Back up the hall he raced, then into the living room where we were sitting. In a frenzy, he made one complete circuit of the room, then continued down the hall to the bedroom. It was as if a demon only he could see was hot on his tail.
"You bastard!" said my friend's fiancé as she leapt to her feet and went after him.
"You didn't," said my friend, looking appalled.
"Jesus Christ," I said. "What the fuck is wrong with him?"
Kendall streaked down the hallway again, my friend's fiancé in hot pursuit.
"You must have fed him something," said my friend.
"A little piece of sandwich. I swear, that's all."
"Oh, fuck," said my friend, getting to his feet.
"Kendall!" shouted his fiancé. "It's all right, Baby. Come to Mama."
Kendall shot past her into the bedroom again.
My friend went to the kitchen and returned with a pair of scissors. Kendall's yelping intensified. "I've got him," hollered my friend's fiancé from the bedroom. "Come quick."
Looking grim, my friend strode to the bedroom, scissors in hand. I peeked inside as he knelt beside his fiancé. It was all she could do to restrain the wriggling dog. She glared at me and shouted above Kendall's frightened yelping, "If he eats the wrong food, his shit sticks to his hair and he freaks out."
I burst out laughing. The vision of Kendall running frantically away from the shit stuck to his own ass hairs, my friend on his knees gingerly paring it away with scissors, his fiancé staring up at me with murder in her eyes--it was too funny. I thought they might eventually see the humor in it, but they never did. And they never again left me alone with Kendall.
User Reviews
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-06-25 03:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-06-25 02:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-17 10:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by Baxter (user info) at 2008-05-17 04:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-05-16 21:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-16 17:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent in every way including the length, language and delivery.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-15 23:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a really silly story, but it made me laugh out loud.
Just don't feed the furball chocolate.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best argument for short-haired breeds. EVAR.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-15 08:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you got a laugh, and you never have to watch their yippy bitch of a dog again.
Win/Win situation.
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Troof.
I hate these fancy little specialty breeds. People pay thousands of dollars for inbred animals that should've been wiped out by evolution. Then they spend all their time and money taking care of these beasts and catering to the problems that could've been cured by evolution.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-05-15 08:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
relevant whoring
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114870
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-15 08:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you got a laugh, and you never have to watch their yippy bitch of a dog again.
Win/Win situation.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-15 05:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Further proof that dogs are fucking stupid creatures.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-05-15 05:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this very amusing.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-15 03:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-05-15 03:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no shit
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-15 02:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-05-15 01:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For some reason I was half expecting your friend to have shoved a piece of sandwich up the dog's ass.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-05-15 00:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
buaahahahaha
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-14 23:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They never let it outside.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-05-14 23:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the fucking DOG had a LITTER BOX?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-14 23:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking fantastic.